


Breathe

by idmarryyoularry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-07 13:21:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 50,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/748960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idmarryyoularry/pseuds/idmarryyoularry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It was not abnormal for the boys to share food, walk hand in hand, sit or stand next to the other at all times and fall asleep in eachother’s arms. And all of this was completely normal and unthought-of until, somewhere along the line, Harry fell in love with his best friend and Louis fell in love with Eleanor."</p><p>Or the story of Harry Styles' battle with self harm, depression and falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This story can be extremely triggering so read with caution.

  


4.30am

Harry stood hunched with his hands on the counter staring into his own two eyes. He searched for any sign of life or light or hope in his eyes, but they were dead. His once sought-after curls hung limp and greasy and the dark bags that lie under his eyes did not help his appearance. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath and leaning his forehead forward until it bumped against the glass of the mirror. 

“Another sleepless night”, he muttered silently to himself, his voice crackly, quiet and apathetic. 

After standing there lost in his thoughts for at least five minutes, he finally forced himself to push back from the glass and walk back to bed. 

Harry was noticing that all of his actions were delayed these days: he would think about doing something well before he could be bothered to actually do it. Even basic things like standing up, or moving his hand took a lot of mental effort. 

His eyes burned as he slid back under the covers and he was crying again. It felt like he spent more time crying than not, but he couldn’t escape his thoughts: he was trapped in his own my mind. His thoughts buzzed around his head at a thousand per second and not one was positive. 

Some of the thoughts were bearable: simple insults on himself, at how pathetic, unloved and useless he was. However, a lot of the thoughts inside his head led him to actions that, if he ever got out of this slump, he would look back at as stupid. 

_You have a hidden box, up on that shelf… There are razors in there. Cut. Just do it. You’ll feel better and then you can sleep._

Harry squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think of a way to convince himself otherwise, but he knew it was a wasted effort. 

Forty seconds later, he was standing on a chair, reaching up to a small box hidden behind the one or two books on the whole shelf. His whole body ached, with every single breath and all he could think of was getting rid of that feeling and the thoughts racing through his head. 

Opening the box he found clean razors, tissues, antiseptic wipes and bandages. He briefly thought about how ironic it was that he felt the need to take care of himself when doing something so harmful and reckless, but shrugged mentally and sighed quietly as the blade dragged along the width of his wrist. The one cut was enough for Harry to instantly feel the clouds around him fade: not disappear, but clear slightly. The cut was deep. He always cut once deeply rather than several shallow cuts, as it was easier to hide. He spent the next two minutes cleaning up after himself and fixing up the incision with a thin, skin-coloured bandage: again, easy to hide. 

After putting the box back in its hiding place, Harry slipped into bed, now emotionless, and was quick to fall asleep. 

+++

Liam stood silently over a sleeping Harry, reluctant to wake him up, but the boys had to be at an interview at 8:00 and Harry had to be there, naturally. 

Liam immediately felt guilty, slightly shaking the younger boy. 

“Harry, mate, we’ve got to leave for interviews in 45. You gotta wake up,” Liam spoke quietly, as Harry struggled to open his eyes. 

The red lines and lack of shine through Harry’s usually bright green eyes took Liam aback. The curly haired lad, stirred awake silently and sighed heavily when he realised he had only had just over two hours sleep again. 

Liam took a step back, lips pursed, as Harry swung his legs over the side of the bed. 

“You look awful… You need to start getting some more sleep and food into you, Harry.” 

Harry felt his stomach drop and the seemingly-harmless criticism, but nodded in agreement. Liam stepped out of the room after reminding him that he only had 45 minutes to get ready and leave. 

Harry threw on a pair of track pants, polo and a pair of slip on shoes and dragged himself into his bathroom. After tugging at his hair for a valiant thirty seconds, he decided he was too tired to care and tucked his whole head of hair under a beanie. 

In the kitchen, Louis was making eggs, toast and teas for himself and the two others he shared a hotel room with. One Direction had just finished a massive promo tour and was finally back in the UK for two weeks of some R&R and family time. However, the boys still had two to three days of promo work that the needed to do for their up-and-coming American, Europe and Australia leg of the tour and so the label had put them in a hotel in London instead of dispersing them to their homes. 

Louis had found this the most frustrating, as Harry and he lived only a five minute drive from the hotel they were staying at, but the label had insisted that for efficiency with transportation and etcetera, that the boys stay together for a little longer. 

It wasn’t that the boys were sick of each other, because they got along perfectly, always, no matter how tired or sick they were. It was more or less that they were in desperate need of some wind-down-alone time, which was hard to do when you’re in the constant presence of your best mates, paparazzi and screaming and crying girls. 

Liam sauntered into the kitchen and plonked himself at the table, picking up the newspaper and flicking through aimlessly, mostly looking at the pictures and headlines. 

“You okay buddy?” Louis looked over his shoulder and asked Liam. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m obviously a bit tired, have you seen Harry though? He looks absolutely stuffed. Could you talk to him about taking better care of himself when you get home?” Liam was worried for his band mate, but knew that Louis would be able to work it out. “He’ll listen to you.” 

As if on cue, Harry managed to stumble into the kitchen, but didn’t respond verbally to the two “morning”s that greeted him. Instead, he just raised his hand in recognition. 

“I made you breakfast, Haz” Louis put on a cheerful tone, trying to lift the younger lad’s spirits, “Your tea is already on the table.” Harry looked up at his best friend who was smiling softly. 

“Thanks Lou, but I’m not hungry. I’ll just have the tea.” He pulled up a seat across from Liam, his back to Louis, and sipped his tea. He heard Louis sigh behind him and instantly felt bad for turning down the food, but he honestly couldn’t stomach anything. 

Louis turned off the stove and sat next to Harry with his own breakfast, putting a piece of buttered toast in front of Harry, “You have to eat something.” Liam subtly nodded in approval at Louis, which Harry didn’t miss as he looked up at the eldest boy. Louis wore a sloppy smile and his blue eyes shined with pleas. Harry felt any fight in him evaporate in Louis’ eyes and reluctantly picked up the toast and took a bite defeatedly. Louis playfully elbowed Harry in the ribs and winked, “Don’t eat the crust or your hair’ll go curly.” Louis laughed shamelessly at his own terrible joke, Liam chuckled from across the table and even Harry managed what might have been a half-smile. 

+++

“Oh thank _God_ ,” Zayn all but ran into the room and threw himself on to the couch, “That was the longest day…” 

Zayn lie with his hands over his eyes and his feet up on the cough while the other lads drifted into the room and on to furniture. They began conversations about the ridiculous things they’d been asked in the interviews and recounting things that had happened through the day. 

“And that stylist! I thought she was going to kill you, Harry!” Niall chortled, describing the outburst from the woman in charge of making Harry look ‘presentable’. She had been optimistic at first, putting him in a very classy, but still Harry-ish, outfit and turning his hair from a mop into perfectly settled, shiny curls, but after twenty or so minutes of battling his drooping, lifeless eyes with makeup, she had just about had a breakdown. 

Harry just hung his head, as he was too tired to join in the banter. Zayn and Niall (who didn’t seem like going back to their own room any time soon), along with Liam, had continued their conversation between themselves, but Louis noticed when Harry pushed himself up off the big, red armchair he was sitting in and started off towards his bedroom. 

“You going to bed, Haz? I think I might go too” Louis jumped up after Harry and said his goodnights to the other lads. 

Louis’ bed was on the other side of Harry’s: they shared a bedroom, as always. Harry slipped his shoes off, threw his clothes on the floor and hoped straight into bed, letting his eyes close, but not expecting sleep. Louis continued to walk around the room, preparing himself for bed and texting one of his mates from back home. 

“Haven’t heard from Eleanor in a while,” Louis thought aloud to himself. Eleanor and Louis had been dating for almost three months now and it broke Harry’s heart every time he mentioned her: not because he had feelings for her, though he did get along very well with her, but because he had more feelings than he should for his male best friend and band mate. “I’m going to call her, I’ll be back in sec.” 

Harry groaned when Louis closed the door to the bathroom. Louis was on the phone for at least ten minutes, in which time Harry did not move a muscle. He lie with his head on the pillow, not wanting to overhear any of the lovey-dovey crap that Louis was showering his girlfriend with. It wasn’t that Harry was possessive of Louis or jealous of Eleanor… okay, that’s exactly how it was. 

Ever since they had met, Louis and Harry had always been inseparable and were the most prized possession of the each other. Larry, as the fans had dubbed them, spent every waking minute together and even every sleeping moment: they had always shared beds or at least rooms. It wasn’t that the boys were an item as such; it was just that they were so close that usual boundaries weren’t particularly existent to them. It was not abnormal for the boys to share food, walk hand in hand, sit or stand next to the other at all times and fall asleep in eachother’s arms. And all of this was completely normal and unthought-of until, somewhere along the line, Harry fell in love with his best friend and Louis fell in love with Eleanor. 

That was when it got complicated, because for the first time ever, Harry had to share Louis’ time and touches. Eleanor became Louis’ priority naturally, and this coupled with his newly found feelings left Harry rather lonely and quite heartbroken. 

Harry heard Louis’ muffled goodbyes through the bathroom door and snapped back into reality as he heard the other boy walk through the door and towards Harry’s bed. Harry rolled over as Louis plonked himself down beside him and crossed his legs. Harry turned around to see his best friend’s face laced with concern. 

“Are you okay, Harry? Everybody’s talking about how tired you look at the moment and I feel like you’re distancing yourself from everybody… but mostly me.” Louis kept his eyes on his hands the whole time. 

“I’m alright. I’m just not sleeping too well, I guess.” Harry wasn’t lying, but he definitely wasn’t telling the whole truth and he hated not telling Louis the truth. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to: it was that he couldn’t. If Louis knew what Harry was doing to himself, he had no idea how his best friend would react. On top of that, Harry was not going to explain that it was because he’d fallen for Louis and had his heart broken and had no other way to deal with any of it. “People on Twitter are just saying stuff about me, too. You know me… I just can’t ignore those kind of things.” 

“What are they saying?” Louis shuffled closer to his friend who looked like he was going to burst. 

“The usual. They just attack me when I make one mistake and they’re always comparing me to you and the others for who’s the ‘fittest’ and ‘best’ and…” Harry trailed off. He was definitely telling Lou the truth this time: he was constantly abused on Twitter. The other boys got the same messages as Harry did, but they had thicker skin and were able to ignore most of them. Harry found it impossible to ignore their criticisms. “I know I shouldn’t listen to them.” 

“No, you shouldn’t. Harry, you know those people are only saying things because you’re famous. If you were still just Harry from a bakery in Holmes Chapel, nobody at all would think or say anything bad of you, because there is not a thing wrong with you at all, okay?” Louis reached out and lifted Harry’s chin with his finger. “Okay?” 

Harry mumbled a response along the lines of “Thanks Lou, love you” and felt like his whole body was being crushed on the last two words. The boys hadn’t had many close moments like this on the tour: Harry was too busy avoiding Lou, Lou was too busy calling Eleanor and both were too busy doing interviews, performances and photo shoots. 

“Love you too, mate.” Harry closed his eyes and smiled slightly to himself as Louis pushed Harry’s curls aside and kissed his forehead before walking back to his own bed. 

It wasn’t much, but Harry drifted off into the first proper sleep he’d had in at least a month. 

  
+++

Two days later and Louis and Harry were home at last and as nice as that was, their apartment was smack-bang in the middle of London, so Louis was woken earlier than he had planned by the sounds of the city. Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t somebody that could lie in bed for hours though: he had too much energy. So, once he was up, he was up. 

He walked out of his bedroom and down to the kitchen, where he put some toast in the toaster and turned the kettle on. While he waited for his breakfast to prepare itself, he moved into the lounge to put on some early-morning television. However, he only made it about five metres into the lounge before he thumped his leg into a coffee table. 

“Good Morning”, Harry chuckled from the couch, scaring the hell out of the older boy. 

“Fuck, Harry. Why are you up so early?” Louis limped over to the light switch so that he could see the curly-haired boy who was frowning. “What?” 

“Don’t swear, Lou. And I only just woke up when you came in. I couldn’t sleep so I came out here” He motioned around him at the couch, “I must’ve fallen asleep.” 

“Fair enough. Still can’t sleep?” Louis was still limping as he walked back into the kitchen. “You want food?” 

Harry followed Lou into the kitchen and sat himself at the table, ignoring the first question, “Mhm, thanks”. 

The boys talked over their toast and because it was their first few days back at home after such a strenuous tour, they decided to have a pretty relaxed weekend. They managed to sneak down to the shops, almost unnoticed, and grab a slab of beer and enough snacks to feed a small party. Back home, Louis grabbed the first DVD off of their ‘to watch’ pile and put it into the player while Harry snuggled up on the couch. 

“Beer?” Louis offered as he sat down next to the younger lad. Harry smiled at him as he passed him the beer. “Scoot over and cough up some blanket, yeah?” This made Harry smile even wider as he lifted up the blanket as an invitation and his best friend nestled up to him. 

Three minutes later, Louis sat up straighter and snaked an arm around Harry’s back: his hand resting on the curly-haired boy’s hip. Five minutes after that, Harry leant his head down to rest on Louis’ shoulder and by the time that the first movie was done the boys were entwined horizontally on the couch. Harry lie on Louis’ chest and Louis absent-mindedly traced patterns on Harry’s back, twisted his fingers through his curls and wrapped his arms around his waist protectively. Neither lad completely registered that the movie was finished, as both were off in their own world and thoughts. 

Louis’ thoughts revolved around noticing they the two friends didn’t have the intimacy they used to share that made them such memorable friends. He thought about how they had drifted apart: not so much emotionally, but definitely physically. The two boys had always been comfortable to lie like they were doing right now for hours and not think about it being anything more than what it was. Louis had never felt that at ease with anybody else before: he loved Harry. He still does love Harry as his best friend and has always been protective of him. He tried to work out what had Harry so… worked up. His mate wasn’t sleeping, barely eating or talking to anyone and had made what was once a perfectly unworried friendship something that required thinking about. 

Harry, on the other hand, thought only of how much he: firstly, missed everything about Lou and the moments they shared like this and secondly, how deeply he really cared for the other lad. It scared him in so many ways that he could barely keep his vision from dizzying out of control. The way that everything was so easy around Lou, the way that the smallest of gestures (like this movie-day-in) meant something so large, the way that Louis’ fingers running through his hair was covering him in goose bumps, the patterns being traced on his back were causing shivers and every piece of skin that Louis touched seemed to tingle for minutes even after he’d moved his hands. However, all Harry could do was enjoy the small things while he silently endured Louis’ relationship with Eleanor. 

And enjoy the little things he would. 

Harry took in a breath slowly and pushed himself up to nuzzle his face into Louis’ neck, which broke both of their train of thoughts. 

“I’ve missed you,” Harry barely whispered against the prickly flesh below Lou’s chin. Both boys froze for a split second. Louis was surprised and Harry was shocked at his carelessly spilled words, but when Louis relaxed and replied with an “I miss you too, Haz”, Harry instantly melted back into calm. 

“And…” Louis continued, “I mean that I miss who you were. I feel like you’re not all in there anymore sometimes. I miss this and I miss my best friend. Can you please either talk to me about this or tell me everything’s okay?” 

Harry remained silent for a few seconds and Lou caught his breath and sighed. Harry nudged his nose against Louis’ Adam’s apple and pushed himself up off the older boy. 

“Everything’s okay,” he said clearly, hovering above Louis and making sure his eyes looked as convincing as possible. He then pushed himself up and off and walked over to the television to put the next movie on. He hadn’t lied either, because at that point in time, everything was okay. 

Harry wasn’t thinking about anything that upset him as he sunk back into his best friend’s arms on the couch. 

+++

Sucked in, chewed up, spat out. 

That was exactly how Harry felt as he stormed back up into his room with tears streaming down his face that was red with anger and embarrassment. He made a point of slamming the door as loud as he could and practically ran to the side of his bed. He pulled his box from the back of his bottom drawer and readied his wrist. The fresh memories were still racing around his head at a million miles an hour and the yelling from downstairs wasn’t helping. 

“HARRY! HARRY GOD FUCKING DAMMIT JUST COME BACK DOWN HERE, _PLEASE_!” Louis’ voice was cracked and uncertain when he screamed, still in shock from Harry’s outburst. 

20 minutes earlier…  


As far as mornings went, it didn’t get much better than this one. 

Harry woke up well rested for once and even managed a smile at himself, as he got ready in the mirror. He didn’t want to get too far ahead of himself, but he had practically spent the whole of yesterday and last night with Louis and they had been as careless in their touches as they used to be: everything was finally falling back into place. 

Maybe Harry had overreacted in the first place. Maybe Louis didn’t like Eleanor as much as he thought he did. Maybe yesterday was them going back to normal. Maybe yesterday meant as much to Louis as it did to Harry. Maybe Louis has the same feelings for Harry that Harry has for him. 

Harry felt familiar butterflies flutter through his stomach when he thought that last thought, but again, he didn’t want to get to far ahead of himself. He told himself off in the mirror, “Pull your head in, Harry”, with a serious face, but couldn’t hold back another smile as he walked downstairs to have breakfast with the boy that was the cause of all this fuss. 

Harry literally skipped down the stairs and straight into the kitchen where he hugged the back of an unsuspecting Louis who laughed. 

“Morning love! What’s got you cheerful out of nowhere?” Louis chuckled, genuinely happy that his best friend seemed to be getting out of this slump he was in lately. 

Louis had been honestly worried about Harry. It wasn’t that he thought Harry would do anything stupid, not the Harry he used to know at least, but that was the problem: this new Harry was foreign. Everything about him was opposite to normal. Harry’s personality was always happy and bouncy and charming, but also caring and shy. This new Harry that have everybody worried was sad, didn’t talk, didn’t light up or seem to care about anything at all. 

Louis had brought it up with the other lads before they dispersed back to their homes. Although the others had noticed the same changes, they told Louis not to worry about it. He had practically scoffed because all he ever did was worry about Harry. 

Harry today, though, seemed like himself and the older boy prayed that it was all over. 

“Oh, nothing,” Harry remarked and was obviously hiding the truth. 

“C’mon Harry, I know that look, just tell m-” Louis was interrupted as Eleanor walked into the kitchen. 

“HARRY! You’re up!” Eleanor addressed the boy who wore a horrified facial expression. “I’ve missed you!” She bounced over to Harry and pulled him into a friendly hug, but Harry didn’t move a muscle. 

“Uhm…” Eleanor looked across to her boyfriend, “is he okay?” 

Louis saw that Harry had tears in his eyes and when Harry excused himself and headed towards his room, Louis ran after him, catching his arm as he attempted to walk up the stairs. 

“Harry? Talk to me? What was that all about?” Louis swung Harry’s arm around so that he faced him. The curly haired boys green eyes were overflowing with tears. Louis’ heart practically broke at the sight of… well… a heart broken Harry. “Harry?” He pleaded. 

“Just let me go, please.” Harry’s eyes watched the floor, his voice was defeated and he tore his arm from Louis’ grip. 

“NO! FUCKING TELL ME WHAT I’VE DONE WRONG,” the older boy screamed reaching the end of his patience. His words had his friend standing completely still a few stairs above him. He watched, as Harry seemed to go completely blank. 

Every piece of Harry felt like it was either bubbling or on fire: every inch of skin, every part inside of him. Despite the cliché, Harry felt time slow and thought his heart was going to stop. This didn’t last long, because within seconds his hands flew to his head and broken words and tears started pouring out of him. 

“I’M SICK OF THIS, LOU. I CAN’T DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS OR ELEANOR. DON’T YOU _DARE_ TELL ME YOU CAN’T WORK OUT WHAT’S WRONG,” Harry barely choked out the last words as he turned around and stormed upstairs. He left his best friend standing shocked to stone and silence in the lounge with his _goddamn_ girlfriend. 

+++

The next morning, things were still unresolved in the Tomlinson-Styles apartment. The boys hadn’t spoken since the fight: Harry had spent the day in his room, ignoring Louis at all costs and blasting music to calm down. 

The boys had fought before, naturally, but they had never screamed or swore like that and definitely hadn’t sobbed because of the other. Louis hated the idea that he had made Harry feel anything less than perfect and loved and he wanted to clear the air. So, he sat on the other side of Harry’s bed and waited for him to wake up so that he could apologise. 

Louis pondered how peaceful Harry looked in his sleep. His curls fell over his face and the pillow and his pale body sprawled out across the bed, weaving in and under the sheets. 

However, there were two things wrong in the picture in front of Louis. 

The first was that Harry kept frowning and tossing restlessly in sleep and the second was that his left arm was covered in neat lines changing from red and raw to white and healed. Louis had taken in a deep breath and even began to cry when he spotted them. Was he the cause for this or was Harry’s outburst at him just a side effect of this? 

Both ideas ran through Louis’ head hundreds of times, but he couldn’t place his finger on one or the other, because Harry seemingly had no reason to be this upset. 

There was a bandage over what Louis assumed was a cut from the previous night. The older boy joined his hands behind his neck and hung his head in frustration and disappointment. This was when Harry stirred awake. 

“Lou?” But he didn’t reply to his name, he just kept his head down and Harry sat up and just stared. It wasn’t until Harry saw a tear fall on to his best friend’s lap that he moved over. Harry’s voice was croaky from slumber, “Hey, I’m sorry about yesterday. Why are you crying?” 

“I’m just worried about you. I know you said that it’s obvious, but I can’t work out what’s got you like this. I’ve asked El to leave for a day or two so that we can talk about this and just sort everything out,“ Louis spoke and noticed when Harry flinched at the verbalisation of his girlfriend’s name. “You just flinched when I said her name… do you not like her?” 

“Uhm,” Harry’s cheeks flushed. His thoughts raced through his head at a thousand a second and he debated whether to tell the truth or not. He hadn’t really been ready to tell Lou anything, but he figured that he never would be. It was better to get an answer and response one way or another. So, he took a deep breath, closed his eyes and said, “I do like her… I’m just j-jealous of her.” 

Harry dropped his hands into his lap and waited for a response, but he didn’t get one. He cracked open one eye slightly to see his best friend’s face showing several emotions: guilt, confusion, surprise, disbelief and what Harry thought looked like sadness and remorse. Louis didn’t look like he was going to be the first one to talk and Harry figured he’d let half of it slip, he might as well keep going… 

“I really like you Lou. Well, I’m actually in love with you I guess.” Louis’ mouth gaped open at the mention of _that_ word and Harry was quick to add an apology to the end of his confession. 

“Don’t be sorry, Haz. I’m sorry for not realising before. Since when?” Louis knew since when. The second Harry’s confession had left his lips, Louis had pieced everything together instantaneously: everything finally made sense. He also had a weird feeling of empathy. He knew how Harry had fallen for him, because their relationship was always so warm and easy: it always felt safe and comforting. They had always been more than best friends, but for Louis it wasn’t love, it was just simply more than best friends. Although, he thought for a split second, that if he allowed himself to, he could quite easily fall in love with the curly-haired, mumbling mess sitting in front of him. 

“I guess it just developed,” Harry admitted; Louis had been right “because everything’s so easy with us Lou. Well, it used to be. I’m just not coping at the moment. You spend so much time with El and I know you think about her a lot and you love her… and I want that with you Lou. I’ve accepted that I can’t have that, but I can’t accept losing you completely. I’m happy as long as you’re in my life and we can be ourselves… the way we used to be.” 

Louis’ blue eyes watched Harry’s green, which were brimming with tears threatening to overflow. When Harry’s blinked, they did. 

“Hey…” Louis brought his friend into a hug. “You’re the biggest idiot,” Louis chuckled, “of course you’re not losing me. We’re best friends, Harry.” 

The younger boy cringed internally at that definition of them, but of course he had to settle with it. He couldn’t help himself though from kissing Louis’ neck and whispering, “I love you so much” before pulling away and walking to have a shower. 

+++

Okay, so maybe repeating his love and kissing Lou wasn’t the best idea, because everything was so tense and awkward in their house. Louis seemed to have taken it upon himself to not lead Harry on in anyway anymore, which contradicted his “we’re best friends” statement. Now Louis wouldn’t even touch Harry in fear of him falling more in love. 

“Harry cursed himself for saying anything at all. He had thought that his friend might have been accepting of the whole shenanigan and been there for him, but he had been dead wrong. 

“Louis didn’t talk to Harry for the rest of the day. 

Or the day after that. 

It wasn’t until the day after _that_ , that Louis mumbled something about calling his mum. Harry had cut three times in the two days since revealing his feelings and he was more miserable that he ever had been. He’d stopped eating too, it wasn’t because he was weight-wary or had any eating disorder, he just felt to tired and sick to even contemplate food. 

So by the third day of awkward, Harry reached his wits’ end once again. 

“Ignoring me isn’t going to make anything I said go away, you know.” Harry had mumbled at dinner, rolling his baked potato around the plate with his fork and death-glaring his peas. He saw Louis go red and gulp at his words out of the corner of his eye. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to process all of this.” Harry groaned at this in annoyance. 

“You don’t have to process it or work anything out. Just be my best friend, please. I wish I hadn’t said anything” 

“No, no. I’m glad you said something.” Louis reassured his friend, “By the way…” Harry looked up and raised his eyebrows in anticipation, “you wouldn’t do anything… harmful or stupid would you? Over this? I get that it must be hard, but… yeah.” 

Harry, to put it blatantly, shat himself. Did Louis know? Harry was usually pretty careful with his clothing choices and hiding his arm. He decided to deny it. 

“No, of course not. Everything’s alright.” He went back to playing with his food. 

Busted. 

Louis knew he had just been lied to and Harry never lied to him, but apparently this new Harry was different. Louis decided now, however, was not the best time to make a fuss of Harry’s problem. He would bring it up well after everything else had settled down and just prayed that Harry would not take it too far in the mean time: he couldn’t lose him. 

He elected to keep a close eye on the younger boy and just pretend he was in the dark. 

+++

Louis debated whether or not it was a good idea. He figured that Harry would just have to accept it, but at the same time they had just started getting back to as close as normal as they could be under the circumstances. He’d spoken to his mum several times over the past few days as well, constantly asking her for advice. He’d told her everything, but he trusted her. The boys always gave him crap for being a mummy’s boy, but they were just teasing, because they knew how close Jay and her son were. It was quite special really. 

Jay had not been surprised when Louis told her all about Harry’s feelings towards him and even said “I’m more surprised that you don’t feel the same way, Boo. I’ve always picked you two as a couple.” This did anything but help. His mother had no wrong intentions, but those words made Louis realise how much he really had led Harry on. He felt sick with guilt. 

She had also told Louis that he had to just continue on as normal and that it was the only way Harry would start to get used to this new complex in their relationship. Louis decided then that the younger boy would just have to get used to having Eleanor around. He felt sick again, just thinking about what that would do to his friend emotionally. Then he felt like he was going to pass out when he thought about what his friend would do to himself about that physically. 

However, it had to happen and Louis really did love Eleanor. So two days after his confrontation with Harry, he called her and explained the basics of what had happened, going into no detail at all and definitely not mentioning Harry’s way of coping and told her that she was welcome to come back and stay for a few days: he missed her like crazy. 

Eleanor, the sweetheart that she was, took a lot of convincing to come over, because of the guilt she now felt, but she missed Louis equally. He begged her not to mention it when she stayed and remain seemingly oblivious. 

“Okay, I’ll be over tonight. I love you, Lou,” Eleanor blew a kiss into the phone and hung up to pack her things. 

Louis put the phone down, saying, “I love you, too” even though nobody was on the other end of the line. He sighed and sunk into the armchair in their spacious lounge room. 

Harry shuffled in, asking absentmindedly what was for dinner, while Louis eyed Harry cautiously, “Eleanor’s coming back tonight, so I’ll make stir-fry for the three of us?” 

Harry mumbled a, “Fine by me” in passing and headed back up to his room with a glass of water. 

The second he was back into his room, he pulled a suitcase out from underneath his bed. Considering the pain in his chest, he was surprisingly calm: zombie-like. He didn’t cry or scream or shake; he just packed enough clothes for a few days, grabbed what he needed from the bathroom and walked back downstairs, keys in hand. 

“Where are you going?” Louis stood frozen at the base of the stairs, eyes zeroed in on Harry’s luggage. 

“I’ll be back in a few days, I promise. I just need… some time.” Harry walked past Louis, both boys still outwardly emotionless, and opened the front door. 

“Apologise to El for me”, were Harry’s parting words as he closed the door behind him and walked out into the freezing, London night and jumped into his car. It was almost 2am when Harry finally pulled up in front of a familiar apartment. He had driven around aimlessly for so long he’d actually had to pull over for petrol. The car ride had calmed him down though; he didn’t drive with music or the radio on. He’d just sat and listened to his thoughts until they slowly subsided into nothing. He had no clue where he was going to stay when he left his home, but getting out of the car with his suitcase and walking up the stairs, he knew that this little stay was the perfect way for him to clear his head: this is exactly what he needed. 

Harry set his suitcase on his left and knocked three times on the door. He heard a groan from inside and knocked again. 

“Go away!” a familiar voice shouted from inside. 

“No! Let me in, please!” Harry said, knocking one last time. He heard footsteps plodding along the hardwood floor towards the door and sighed in relief. 

“Harry?” The door opened, revealing a half-asleep Liam Payne. “What time is it? What are you doing here?” 

“Had a fight with Lou, needed to get away. I don’t know, but it’s late and I’m tired. Can I stay?” Harry motioned to his suitcase. 

“Uh, yeah sure.” Liam stood back, inviting Harry into the apartment and then closing the door behind them both. “Do you mind the couch? I’ll set something better up for you tomorrow…” 

“Couch is perfect,” Harry smiled at Liam, but the smile only lasted half a second before it turned into a frown, followed by tears. Liam walked over to him, put his arms on his shoulders and pushed him down to sit on the couch. 

“I’m sure it’ll work out mate. We’ll have a huge talk about it tomorrow okay?” Liam suggested and Harry nodded, “Just try and rest.” Liam rubbed his band mate’s back for a minute or two, gave him a squeeze and then walked to the cupboard in the hallway. 

He returned with a blanket and a pillow, as Harry removed his shoes, shirt, pants, boxers, socks… well, everything. Liam chuckled as he threw the blanket to Harry. All of the boys in the band knew that Harry always slept naked and spent a lot of his time awake naked too: it wasn’t a particularly new sight. 

“Goodnight” Liam offered as he walked back toward his bedroom. Harry shouted out a thanks in response and spent a minute setting up his temporary bed before settling into another sleepless night. 

+++

Harry was awoken by the sound of the front door opening. Liam walked in carrying a gym back and towel and he was covered in sweat. 

“Of course… you went to the gym before anybody else in the country’s awake.” Harry called out. 

“Sorry for waking you, mate. I’m just going to hop into the shower. You can make breakfast if you want.” 

Harry got up, putting on a pair of track-pants and dawdled into the kitchen. Liam’s apartment wasn’t large, but it was very nice. He’d only just moved in maybe a week before they went on their last tour. Beforehand, he had still lived with his family in Wolverhampton. 

The apartment was almost monochromatic: not really moving from the modern brown-cream colour scheme. It was well decorated though: not too much. It felt like a home though. What little decorations there were, were all photos of family and friends, gym and fitness equipment and One Direction memorabilia like their platinum albums and first photos, etc.… There only was the kitchen, laundry, Liam’s room, a spare room and the lounge, but the lounge was spacious and the location was fantastic. His place was on the borderline of the outskirts of London: not too far from the city, but still away from all the hustle and bustle. 

Harry had stayed at Liam’s once before, when he first moved in to help him get over a little bout of homesickness, so he knew his way around. 

He helped himself to a slice of bread with jam and cooked some eggs on toast for Liam as a ‘thanks for letting me crash’. 

Harry was nibbling at his small breakfast when the freshly-showered lad strides in, grabs his breakfast off the table and sits down with a “Yum, thanks mate!” 

“So,” Liam continues, raising an eyebrow at his temporary flatmate, “you going to tell me why you’re here in a bit more detail?” 

“It’s a pretty long story… and this all stays between us yeah?” Harry warns and Liam nods and waits for the start of his explanation. “Well, if you haven’t already noticed, but I’m pretty sure that you have, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy at the moment and it’s because I can’t stand Eleanor and Lou together…” Harry tried to get a read on Liam’s thoughts, but his face remained unchanged, “… because I’m in love with Lou.” 

Liam just smiled. He’d seen this coming from a _mile_ away. Ever since the two had met they’d been inseparable and he knew they’d end up together one way or another despite the fact that neither boy was openly gay or even bisexual. Liam just knew they’d fall in love. That’s when Liam’s smile faltered. 

“Oh,” he sighed as he realised that the oldest band member is dating a beautiful girl that is definitely not Harry, which means that Harry is heartbroken. 

“Yeah. So he invited El over, I lost it, we had a fight, he apologised, I told him how I feel, he ignored me for a bit, we got back to normal though and then El shows up again and now I’m here” Harry skimmed through the rest of the details to Liam, leaving out the part about how he’s coped with all of this. Liam would absolutely freak out, put him in a straightjacket and ship him off to a rehab centre in America… or something over the top like that. 

“Wow. Okay. I didn’t see that coming.” Harry cocked his head to the side, “I mean, the bit where Louis doesn’t… return the feelings. I’m sorry, Harry. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you like… of course,” Liam explained. 

Harry nodded in thanks, but didn’t really have anything at all to say. He was also surprised at the bit where Louis didn’t love him back. Well, he was and wasn’t. He had always felt like Louis had felt the same way just because of how they acted together, but he had also always doubted it because why would Louis love him anyway? 

Liam saw that Harry was thinking too deeply into everything, because his eyes had dropped to his hands and started to water. So he was quick to suggest something to stop the waterworks. 

“How about we go have a night out tonight? We can go to a club and just enjoy it yeah?” he suggested. Harry’s face didn’t light up and he didn’t jump around excitedly, but he stopped crying and nodded. “Alright, well today I’m actually off to visit my family. You’re welcome to come or you can walk around here. It’s pretty quiet, you won’t get swarmed by fans.” Liam chuckled and he was right. It was the perfect place to live, because it was new and his fans didn’t know he lived there yet and it was also a genuinely quiet area. 

“I think I’ll just stay here,” Harry smiled up at his friend appreciatively and added, “Do you mind if I use your phone to talk to Mum?” 

“Of course. I’ll see you tonight then.” Liam got up, put his dishes in the sink and left for the rest of the day. 

+++

Harry was lying on the couch watching his third consecutive movie for the day when Liam returned home. 

Harry hadn’t left that spot after calling his mum. Anne had been over the moon to hear from her son, but asked why he wasn’t calling from home. After explaining that he was staying at Liam’s, he was prodded into explaining exactly _why_ he was staying at Liam’s. 

This involved an hour conversation with his mum, telling her that he has feelings for his male best friend and repeating the conversations they’d had word-for-word. Anne was mostly worried about her son because she, like Liam, was not surprised at her boy’s feelings towards Louis and therefore, the news did not provoke much of a reaction. She had expressed her want for Harry to come visit as soon as possible and he promised to do just that: he would go there for the last weekend before they all headed back out on tour. 

It was only five more days until they went back on tour, _Shit_ Harry had thought to himself. That was going to go down well… 

“Lazy day?” Liam asked as he chucked his things on the ground and sat down next to Harry. 

“Pretty much. How was the family?” 

“Yeah they were good. It’s always great to see them. After everything we do and where we go, it’s nice to have that to come home to. Keeps me grounded you know?” Liam explained. Harry agreed wholeheartedly. Coming home to their family and friends was always a breath of fresh air: kept everything from going to their heads. “Still wanna go out?” 

“Yeah, definitely! Leave in half an hour?” Harry suggested and both boys moved to get ready. 

+++

The went to a small club in a nearby suburb and it was nothing special, but there was beer and there was damagingly loud music and people… what else did a club need? The boys were sick of VIP rooms and special service anyway. They couldn’t escape it though and they were offered free drinks for the night. Liam denied, asking for a coke instead, because of his lack of plural functioning kidneys. Harry, however, took it as a sign from the gods to get completely smashed. So, he did. 

They had been there for two hours when Harry spotted Liam talking to an absolutely gorgeous girl. 

“Good for him” Harry muttered to himself and took that as another sign: he needed to find someone and fast. 

He looked around and none of the girls, although they were all eyeing him up and down hungrily, took his fancy. He decided to take a seat at the bar; because he was pretty drunk and also figured he’d just take whoever came to him. It didn’t take long either, except he wasn’t particularly expecting the person who approached him, mostly because this person was definitely male. 

The guy introduced himself as a name Harry couldn’t remember and bought him a drink, not that he needed one. Although, after a few minutes he realised that this guy didn’t know who he was. Harry was relieved. It was nice to talk to a stranger who was oblivious to his fame and didn’t scream or ask for a photo or autograph. This guy’s intentions became pretty clear to Harry after a few minutes as well. He kept briefly touching Harry’s arm or leg or hair. It was subtle enough that nobody else in the club would notice, but it wasn’t subtle enough for Harry. 

“Wanna go outside? I can’t hear a thing you’re saying.” Harry asked, practically having to yell into the guy’s ear. He nodded and Harry jumped off his seat and walked outside. 

_What am I doing?_ Harry thought briefly. 

Standing outside, the streets were completely deserted and honestly quite cold. Liam was right about it being quiet here; there was nothing or nobody except for them and a taxi driving down the road. The guy hailed the cab. 

_What the hell am I doing?_

“Come back to mine?” The guy offered. Harry had to admit that the guy had guts, not even knowing one hundred per cent if Harry was gay or not, to ask, but the guy had a pretty good idea that this curly-haired boy would say yes. And he did. 

_What the_ hell _was he doing_? Well, he knew exactly what he was doing. He was going home with a guy who was probably about 22-24 and looked unlike anybody he knew at all, except for the fact that he had bright blue eyes. He wasn’t particularly attractive though. Harry didn’t know what he was doing though in terms of what was about to happen. He had a pretty good idea, but he hadn’t really done anything like this at all. 

The cab ride was maybe two or three minutes and Harry stepped out of the cab and on to an unfamiliar street, then walked into an unfamiliar home. 

Harry had done this plenty of times, but with girls. He had never identified himself as anything but straight, aside from his feelings for Louis, which… were definitely not straight. He had thought of Louis sexually too, of course, naturally. Tonight was not about Louis thought. It was about this random guy who after closing the door behind them, shoved Harry up against the wall and attached their lips. 

Harry groaned at the force and kissed back instantly. This wasn’t any different to kissing a girl, except for the prickle of stubble on stubble. The kiss was rough and sloppy and wasn’t going to last long honestly. He had one arm pinning Harry’s above his head and the other snaked it’s way up Harry’s shirt. His insides burned and the stranger released his hands to pull off both of their shirts. He reattached his lips to Harry’s neck, biting and pulling and the flesh there. Harry could tell bruises would be formed, but all he could focus on was the guy’s hands smoothly undoing Harry’s jeans button and zip. Harry gasped as a hand snuck under the waistband of his boxers and pulled his dick free. 

Harry hadn’t had much of this kind of attention in a while and pulled the guy’s lips back to his. He pulled at his hair as the stranger began to pump his fist up and down. 

Small moans and gasps escaped Harry’s lips and quickly escalated into grunts and louder moans as his hips started bucking against the guy’s hand and his back started arching against the wall. Harry let out a desperate “no”, as he pulled away, but then pushed the boy into a bedroom behind him. 

When Harry fell back onto the bed, the other stood in front of him, allowing Harry to undo and take off both of their pants. 

“Turn around”, the voice was low and hungry and Harry obeyed. 

He knew enough to know what was coming. He got on all fours as the nameless man took a tube out of a bedside table and closed his eyes as he felt him get on the bed. Harry heard the tube pop open and flinched as one hand grabbed his hip and cold fingers brushed against his entrance. 

Harry focused on breathing steady as one finger pushed past the tight ring of muscle, but couldn’t stop the small gasp of pain. The finger slowly started moving, pushing in and out of him and Harry forced himself to relax and just enjoy it. His finger pulled out leaving a burning sensation, only to be replaced by two, which hurt even more. Harry bit his lip and didn’t respond to the other lad’s comments about how tight he was. Harry was starting to wonder what a completely stupid idea this was. Sure he’d slept with girls, but fucking and being fucked were two completely different things and what was he – 

“OH _god_!” Harry moaned, as two fingers curled inside of him, hitting a spot that caused his back to arch, his toes to curl and his mouth to spill a string of profanities. 

Two fingers were soon replaced by three, which were soon after replaced by the man’s cock. The initial burn was almost unbearable and Harry couldn’t help but let out a small yelp. It wasn’t until after two minutes of steady thrusts that Harry relaxed into it, the beautiful spot inside of him being hit over and over again. The guy recognised Harry leaning into it and sped up his trusts. The boy underneath him started to shove his hips back in response and it wasn’t long before the young lad screamed out in pleasure and his whole body clenched and shook. Harry had never felt something like that before, his whole vision going white and his body collapsing. The other guy soon followed and before Harry knew it, he was lying naked on a random bed, next to the _man_ who just fucked him. 

Harry was quick to jump up, gather his things, put on his clothes and leave with nothing more than a sheepish smile. What the hell had he just done? 

He checked his phone once he was out on the street and saw three missed calls from Liam, ignored them and called a taxi. It wasn’t until he was sitting in the back of the cab and leaning his head against the window that Harry started to cry. The cab driver was nice enough to not pry and Harry tipped him generously for it, sliding out of the car when he finally arrived back at Liam’s. He made his way unnoticed back on to the couch and was quick to fall asleep… 

Meanwhile...

Louis had barely slept. 

He had woken up to his beautiful girlfriend wrapped around him in a beautiful apartment in the middle of London, because he has the perfect life as a celebrity fulfilling his dreams, but despite this: he felt like shit. 

His best friend had left their apartment last night and he had no idea where the young, innocent and emotionally vulnerable boy was. He had no idea what the boy was capable of as well. Louis thought to himself about Harry’s recent tendency to turn to self-harm as a way of coping. Harry had always been bright and bubbly and even though Louis now knew why the boy was so upset, he couldn’t help but feel disbelief that such a sweet-natured boy could do something like that to himself. And it would also hurt others emotionally, were they to find out. 

The eldest boy walked around the house at 6am and racked his brain as to where Harry could have gone. He decided to go up in to Harry’s room to see if there were any clues, but there was nothing. He called Harry’s phone, but there was no answer. It was too early to disturb any of his other band mates as well. He knew that they wouldn’t mind considering the circumstances, but he knew how tired all of them were and he didn’t want to wake them up or worry them. 

So, Louis decided to settle his mind by playing video games for two hours until Eleanor made her way down the stairs. 

Her hair was a mess and she was just wearing underwear and a singlet. 

When she smiled sleepily at Louis and cuddled up next to him on the couch, he realised just how much he really did love the girl. Most people didn’t really get to see half of Eleanor, she always seems so blasé in the paparazzi’s photos, but she was actually bags of fun: very much like Louis in her personality. She was also a lot like Harry: very caring and sensitive, but a charming brunette with a killer smile. Louis’ stopped mid-thought and wondered whether he was attracted to the traits of Harry in Eleanor, or the traits of Eleanor in Harry, but it was a fruitless exercise. 

“Good morning, beautiful,” Louis muttered as he pecked the top of Eleanor’s head. She curled further into him. 

“Morning babe….” Eleanor replied happily, but frowned as she looked up at Louis’ face. Although the bright blue eyes that were staring back at her were sparkling with adoration, the bags underneath them were indicative of a rough night and the redness to them showed that he’d been quite upset… crying even. 

“You didn’t sleep at all, did you?” 

“I might of got an hour or two… max’”, he chuckled in response. 

“It’s not funny, Lou,” Eleanor had her dead serious, I’m-worried-about-you tone and expression. She sighed, “Do we need to talk about last night?” 

She watched as Louis’ eyes twitched and his posture shrunk and he started talking softly. 

“I just don’t know what to do about this. I’m mostly just worried about where he is and if he’s okay, but I feel like if I find him he won’t want to come back.” 

“Have you called the others?” Eleanor referred to her boyfriend’s band mates and when Louis responded with a no, she stood up, walked into the kitchen and returned with the phone in hand. “Call Liam. If Harry’s not at Liam’s, he would have at least called him.” 

She was right, Louis thought. Harry looked up to Liam: saw him as an older brother. In times like these, without Louis to turn to, Harry would definitely have confided in Liam. 

Louis punched in the number to Liam’s mobile and sighed in relief when a familiar voice answered. 

“Liam! It’s Lou. Long story, but Harry left and I’m really worried and I-” Louis began to ramble, but was cut-off. 

“Calm down, mate. It’s okay. Harry’s with me and he told me everything. I’m on my way to my parents right now so he’s back at the apartment, but if I were you, I’d give him the day to cool off.” Liam always had everything under control and Louis was thankful. 

“But-” Louis started. 

“No buts! I’ll text you tomorrow and let you know if he’s up to talking to you. I’ll take care of him, I promise. I’ve got to go now Lou, but don’t worry yourself okay mate?” Liam explained, trying to diffuse the situation and also give the younger, heart-broken boy some time to himself. 

“Okay. I promise. Thanks Liam.” Louis responded and he hung up the phone. 

“I take it that he’s at Liam’s place…” Eleanor stated rhetorically. “Well, unless you want to talk about it more, how about I make us breakfast and then we can go out shopping and have a nice day together, yes?” 

Louis smiled at his girlfriend’s enthusiasm and was grateful for her distraction. He nodded and stood up, walking over to where she leant against the doorframe. He placed one hand on her hip and one cupping the side of her face. 

“Sound perfect,” he said into her ear, and then pulled away to press a light kiss on her lips. “I love you.” 

Eleanor beamed at him, as he turned around and walked upstairs to get ready. 

+++

Eleanor and Louis had had an amazing day together. It wasn’t that they’d gone anywhere special, or done anything amazing: they’d just enjoyed eachother’s company, which was what Louis loved so much about her. They got along so well, they were more than best friends, and everything was just easy. 

Louis thought about this on the car ride home, one hand holding the wheel, one hand in Eleanor’s. That’s when he squeezed his hand and tensed up. More than best friends, easy… that was how Harry and Louis had always described their relationship. Louis whole body seemed to hurt when he thought about how Harry was not going to be at home to greet them, smiling wide like an idiot and his curls bouncing as he hoped down the stairs. 

“You okay, babe?” Eleanor definitely felt Louis’ whole body go into shock. 

“Yeah, I’m uh… just thinking about Harry again. I just want him to come home.” Louis admitted. 

“He will come home. He just needs time, like Liam said.” Eleanor’s thumb circled Louis’ palm soothingly as she spoke. “Do you… return the feelings Harry has?” She asked, unsure. 

Louis gulped. No, he didn’t. No, no, no, no. “No! He’s just my best friend. I do love him, but not in the same way I feel towards you, it’s different.” He reassured his girlfriend who didn’t seem distressed, but was obviously edging on jealousy. 

“Different how?” 

“I can’t explain it. Harry and I are just best friends. I’ve never felt as comfortable around anybody but him. He’s like… my male soul mate. No, that’s not right. He’s like…” 

“Soul mate’s a pretty serious word, Lou” Eleanor suggested. She knew that Louis had some kind of feeling toward Harry that was not platonic, but he just refused to admit it. It didn’t particularly worry her either, because she knew that Louis loved her and even if she found out he loved Harry more, the two of them would always be close friends: she would never lose him completely. Louis rambled on like, well… like a man in denial. 

“I know. I shouldn’t have said that, it’s not how I feel,” Louis explained, not sure if he was lying slightly or not, “but don’t worry, because I love you. I just need to work out how to respond to all of this without hurting him. You don’t need to worry. Tonight is about us.” 

Louis squeezed her hand and smiled as they pulled up to the apartment. Eleanor dropped their bags by the door and leant up to kiss Louis the second they got in the place. 

By the time they were halfway up the stairs, Louis had picked her up and she had her legs wrapped lightly around Louis waist, her hands pulling at his hair and their lips moved against eachother’s desperately. 

They blindly made their way up to Louis’ bedroom and he threw her back on the bed. He smirked up at his girl as he pulled down her pants and underwear and lowered his mouth to her navel, kissing patterns lower and lower. 

+++

Louis cursed under his breath when he awoke. The lower region of his body was obviously still excited; he had enjoyed the previous night with his girlfriend and he rolled over to see a very worn-out Eleanor. Then again, who wouldn’t be worn out after what they got up to last night? Louis sure thought he was, but his dick had other plans. 

After several rounds the night before, he didn’t want to bother Eleanor to help, so he reluctantly got out of bed and turned on a shower. 

The water was warm against the back of his bare body. He sighed and leant his head back under the stream, as his hands grabbed down at his problem. 

He slid his thumb over the slit and moaned as he started pumping his hand up and down. He thought of Eleanor’s hands as his own and all the images that filled his head from the night before. His thumb circled the head again and he groaned at the feeling of pleasure that jolted through his whole body. His hand went back to pumping: getting faster and faster. His mouth hung open and small groans escaped his throat as he got closer and closer. Pre-come leaked from his cock and he imagined Eleanor’s mouth on him. He was completely lost in his thoughts and the amazing feeling pumping through every part of his body, making his toes curl. That’s when he imagined Harry’s mouth on him. The younger boy’s curls stuck to his forehead from the water, hands gripping at Louis’ stomach and hips as his mouth bobbed up and down on Louis’ cock. 

The image was too much and Louis came. His whole body crumpled and his vision blanked out. 

He sat on the shower floor, gasping for breath as he tried to calm himself down. When he finally regained his thoughts, it was like a dam being broken. They flooded through his mind at a hundred kilometres an hour. 

“What the fuck…” Louis muttered to himself, still unable to pick himself up off the floor. 

+++

“You okay, Lou?” Eleanor had noticed that he was quite distant that morning: he had only spoken when answering a question and he looked lost. 

“Uh…” he snapped out of his confusing train of thought. “Yeah, I’m good. Sorry, just tired.” 

Eleanor just giggled and winked, “Yeah, I’d bet after last night.” 

It was lovely to have Eleanor around the house. She was so full of life, so carefree and she was also incredibly understanding. She knew that Louis would need some time to work all of this out. “Did you talk to Liam yet?” 

“Oh!” Louis couldn’t have gotten out of his chair faster and he practically ran out of the room to his phone. 

Eleanor stayed in the kitchen and cleaned up. She hoped that the boys could work this whole thing out soon, because she hated seeing Louis so upset, but she also couldn’t help but feel a little distressed herself. She didn’t like being in the unknown. If Louis turned around and said that he loved Harry, she would be okay with that, but she just wanted to know so that she could get on with whatever situation she would soon find herself in. 

When Louis returned, his face was completely dropped and drained. “Liam said that he’s staying for a couple more days, then visiting his family. He’s not coming back home until the day we go back on tour.” Louis spoke defeatedly and his voice shook. “I could hear him crying in the background, El. I hurt him so bad…” 

He trailed off and his voice cracked as fat tears started streaming from his eyes. Eleanor remained wordless and just hugged Louis as he sobbed into her hair. 

He was so distraught and torn up by this. Eleanor knew she had to step in and work something out for him, Harry and herself. 

  
+++

When Harry had woken up, he had spent the first half hour throwing up from the alcohol he had consumed and crying from… well, everything. Liam was out at the gym as per usual, so Harry shamelessly curled up on the bathroom floor and wallowed in self-pity. The night before he had slept with a _man_. Did this mean he was gay? He was in love with one boy and slept with another, so he must be at least bisexual, he thought to himself. Most people would find that hard to admit, but Harry had long ago admitted what his feelings for Louis meant, though he hadn’t ever spoken his sexuality aloud. 

He didn’t want to regret what had happened the night before, because regret never got anybody anywhere, but he did wish that it had been different: maybe with less alcohol… and more Louis. 

The second he heard that name in his mind, he curled further into himself to try and stop the ripping feeling through his still-mending chest and he burst into tears again. 

Harry hadn’t been stupid enough to leave his home without his razors, so he dug to the bottom of his toiletries bag and took out the box. As he prepared his arm he thought about how low it was that he was doing this: he hated it, he would try and stop soon. However, it was the only way he saw possible of coping with this situation at that time, because the person he usually talked about things to, was the one causing the pain. He pushed and dragged the blade along his wrist and it was like magic. Harry sighed in relief as the blood started to break the surface. Completely lost in his own world, he silently and dazedly bandaged his cut, cleaned up and put a hoodie on to cover his arms before returning to the bathroom floor. He was still crying, but his head was clear and his body didn’t hurt anymore. The only thing he could feel now was that familiar stinging sensation. 

Harry sat unmoving for another ten or so minutes and was so out if it that he didn’t even register that the door had been opened. 

“Harry!? Thank god!” Liam burst into the room and his voice was laced with concern. Though he was also relieved that he had found the young boy who had already gone missing once in the past 12 hours. “Where the hell were you last – are you crying?” 

Harry looked up at Liam with puffy, red eyes and a terrified expression, which was as good as an answer. 

“Oh, Harry”, the other lad sympathised as he slid down to sit next to the heart broken, curly haired boy and put his arms around him. 

The second Harry was in his arms, his silent tears turned back into violent sobs. 

“I- I- I messed up, Liam”, he muffled and choked against Liam’s neck, his whole body shaking. 

“Tell me what happened. How about starting with where you were last night?” Liam pulled back from the hug and turned to face the… well, Harry was technically an adult, but his vulnerability at the time made him seem like a child. 

“I c-came back last night, but I didn’t want to, to, wake you up.” Harry sniffled, “I went back to someone’s house. A strang- a stranger’s house.” He took sharp intakes of breath between words, the kind you get when you’ve been crying to hard. 

Liam smiled, “So you slept with someone? That was the point of our boys’ night out! To put your mind on something else… So, was she super hot?” The words sounded off coming from Liam. He was too nice and concerned about everybody to want to know about how hot the girl Harry slept with was, or any details for that matter. Liam was obviously really trying to cheer him up and distract him. 

“Ah,” Harry blushed and fiddled with the edges of his sleeves, curling his hands up inside the ends of his jumper. “I, uhm… no… he wasn’t.” 

There were a few seconds of awkward silence… _really_ awkward silence. Liam’s face went from shocked to confused to kind of disturbed and Harry just sat embarrassedly. 

“So you… went back to a guy’s house. Did he... did you… y’know?” Liam obviously wanted to know because he was concerned for his friend, but clearly didn’t want any kind of mental image or details. Harry took the hint and replied without words, simply nodding his head. 

“Wow,” was all that Liam could come up with after finding out that his male band mate and best friend had slept with another man. Although, he wasn’t too shocked the more he though about it. The guy was already in love with one man and had admitted it and Liam always thought the very charming and flirtatious boy had always been just that with both sexes. He always seemed comfortable. Liam was positive that Harry wasn’t completely gay… almost positive. 

“So… what does that mean for you uh, in terms of, um, your sexuality?” It was such an awkward question and Liam was stammering all over the place, because he really just didn’t expect to be having this conversation right now. 

“I don’t know, Li. I just want to be happy again and I want to go home, because I miss him so much…” Harry started absolutely bawling again and Liam just embraced the shaking mess of a boy. 

_Bzzzzzzzz_

Liam pulled his phone out from his pocket, which read “Louis calling” and had a bright, smiley picture of the older lad filling the screen. Liam tried to turn the screen away from Harry, but he was too slow and the other boy saw it. Harry somehow managed to cry a little harder and buried his face between his tucked-up knees, his curls falling over his head and shaking in time with his sobs. 

“Shit,” Liam muttered apologetically before accepting the call, “Hey Lou…” Harry could hear Louis’ muffled voice through the speaker, but couldn’t quite make out what his best friend was saying; nor did he want to. “Yeah, he’s still here...” Liam looked over at the crying lad carefully, “No I don’t think it’s the right time for you to talk to him. He’ll call you back when he’s ready okay?” 

Harry managed to calm down his crying for a few seconds to say, “Tell him… I’m n-n-not coming back home until we go on tour. I’m g-going to my parents’.” Liam raised one bushy eyebrow as if to ask if he was sure, Harry just nodded once. 

“He’s staying here for a little longer then heading to his family for a few days. He’ll come home the morning of the day we go on tour.” Liam felt instantly guilty, because he knew how much this would hurt the Doncaster lad. “Yeah, sorry. Yeah, you too. See you, mate.” 

“Was he okay?” Harry asked, hoping that Louis wasn’t dancing around with a smile on his face; full of joy that Harry had left and given him time to spend with Eleanor. 

“Far from. He does care about you, Harry. He loves you,” Liam spoke carefully, but his words still made the other boy twitch, “Whether it’s the same way that you love him, that’s up to you two to work out. But he’s your best friend and he sounds really cut.” 

“I’ll call him tomorrow maybe,” Harry offered, but that honestly wasn’t going to happen. Sick and tired of talking about himself and how dreadful everything was, he forced a smile, smoothed his fringe away from his tired eyes and asked Liam for breakfast. 

  
+++  


“Have you got everything?” Liam shouted out from the kitchen. The last few days since what had been dubbed as the 'club incident' had been great. Harry hadn't gotten any better, but he hadn't gotten any worse. 

“Yeah, I think so! If not, I’ll see you in a few days anyway.” Harry was leaving Liam’s place to go visit his family for a few days. With their upcoming international tours, they wouldn’t be home for a while, so now was the time for family. Harry had always been outed as a mama’s boy in the media and his band mates and it was true. His mum and he had always been extremely close and until recently, he never went a day without calling her. Hence, why poor Anne was so freaked out that her son had gone MIA for the past few weeks and demanded a visit. Harry was completely okay with this: family time away from the hype and demand of being in the world’s biggest boy band, but also time away from the boys (mostly Louis) to clear his head was just what he needed. He hoped that when he returned to tour with the boys he would be in much better condition, that he would be okay enough to hide it from the boys, fans, media and management. 

“Hey Liam, I just wanted to say,” Liam spun around to face Harry, “thanks so much for letting me stay here. I know I haven’t probably been the most fun guest to have and I know it was your time off… It means a lot.” 

Harry smiled awkwardly and apologetically as Liam walked over and embraced him. “Anytime Harry, honestly. Hope you start feeling better soon, yeah?” Liam pulled back to look Harry in the eyes and noticed that they were finally looking a little more relaxed and most importantly, they weren’t full of tears. “Say hey to your family for me.” 

“Will do!” Harry walked to the front door and picked up his suitcase and car keys, “See you in a few days.” Liam waved then closed the door behind his band mate. “Well that was interesting,” Liam muttered to himself. 

+++  


Louis walked around the house frantically packing for the tour they were about to embark on… the next day. He hadn’t packed a thing, because he spent the whole afternoon talking to Eleanor. 

As he looked around at his room there were clothes, socks and underwear scattered everywhere, a collection of pizza boxes, plates, cups and cutlery on his bedside table and floor, a pile of shoes next to the door and his laptop and phone laid carelessly on the ground. He grunted at his own sloppiness and took the dishes and rubbish out and downstairs, put his laptop up on his bed and put all of his clothes back where they belonged. That took a while and he still hadn’t started packing yet. Walking into the bathroom, he carefully selected the things he needed to take with him; in his bedroom, however, he gave up before he even tried and decided to just take everything. 

After two hours of extreme packing and cleaning, he had 3 large suitcases lined up by the door and a clean bedroom. This valiant effort definitely deserved a drink. 

Louis sunk into the couch after fetching himself a beer and flicked through random channels on the television, not really focusing on anything at all. He just thought about how crazy tomorrow would be. Not only was it the start of the tour, but also Harry was coming back and that was going to be interesting. Harry spending time with his family was definitely going to help him and he was thankful that Anne made him visit, but he also worried that Harry was broken beyond repair. 

Sure, he’d seen his best friend go through some tough times, but he’d never seen him this shattered… ever. Louis, to his horror, wondered if the two of them would ever be the same. He also thought about how crazy today had been. Eleanor had been acting so odd. She was constantly slipping questions about Harry into their conversation and asking Louis about his feelings towards him. He figured she was just being either protective, jealous or both. It wasn’t really like her to not drop a subject when asked though. 

Louis’ and his thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. He looked at his watch and saw it was just past midnight. He placed his beer on the table and realised that it may be an early-returning Harry and ran to the door, but opened it to find to his girlfriend. 

“Hey El, long time no see.” Louis joked, standing aside to let her in. “Want a beer?” 

Eleanor just shook her head politely, “No thanks. Can we talk?” She sat herself down on the couch patting the space next to her. Her pretty little voice played a tone not overly familiar to Louis: deadest serious. 

_Oh shit, fuck, shit. That’s never good. What’s happened? Oh god, she’s pregnant. No, she’s in love with someone else. No, she’s pregnant._ Is what went through Louis’ head, but all that he spoke was “Sure babe, what’s wrong?” All the while, wearing a seemingly relaxed smile. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole Harry situation. I know you deny it… and don’t interrupt me, “ Eleanor started, putting a silencing finger to Louis’ lips, “but I do think you have feelings for him.” 

“No, I most definit-“ Louis tried to deny, but Eleanor just shushed him again. 

“Let me finish. Regardless of whether you actually do or not, or how serious those feeling are, I want you to be able to work that out with him… without me.” 

_Wait, what?_ Louis frowned in confusion and his mind went to all four corners of the Earth before realising what was happening. 

“Without you as in…” Louis encouraged. 

“I want us to go on a break.” Louis’s heart stopped, “I’m not breaking up with you!” Eleanor rushed out after seeing the look of horror on her boyfriend’s face, “And it’s just for maybe two… three weeks. I just want you to focus on him, alright? He deserves that.” 

“I don’t think this is a good idea, El.” Louis was still trying to save his relationship, although it didn’t really need saving: it was fine. Eleanor was just concerned that maybe Louis wasn’t thinking clearly because of them, that he could work out whatever he was feeling and then chose between her and Harry. She didn’t mind both ways: she just wanted Louis to be happy and she knew she would always have a place in his life: girlfriend or friend. 

“Lou, just trust me. We don’t have to tell anyone. You can tell the boys if you want, but that’s it! It might be difficult to explain to them though without spilling the truth about Harry. I just want to make sure that you’re making the right choice with me and that you’re not missing out on something really amazing with Harry.” Eleanor stood up from the couch, “I still love you and if you ask me to come back, I will.” She reassured him as she kissed his cheek, turned around and left, leaving a speechless Louis in the darkened lounge. 

Eleanor was so concerned for everybody other than herself and it was one of the things that made her so uniquely incredible, Louis pondered. He understood where her idea came from, but he didn’t think it was justifiable: that he had any feelings for Harry. 

Sure, he’d accidentally thought about him mid-wank the other day, but that’s definitely not a reason to go on a break over. He definitely didn’t have any non-platonic feelings for Harry. 

No, definitely not.


	2. Chapter 2

“Boys! We have to get on the plane in fifteen minutes. Don’t take too long,” Paul reminded Zayn and Liam as they ran off to get food and last minute coffee before the flight. Niall sat with one headphone in, bopping his head along and absentmindedly popping little chocolate pieces into his mouth. Harry wondered how that boy never gained any weight. Paul sighed and went back to reading his book after staring after the two of the five overly energetic boys he was once again responsible for run off. 

Almost everything was back to normal: how it usually was on tour. Louis wore his usual travel attire of pyjama pants and his hair tucked back under a beanie, even though the flight to France to start the tour was less than an hour. There was something wrong with the picture in front of Harry though, because Louis had both his headphones in and only smiled in acknowledgment when spoken to. The first day of tour, Louis was usually bouncing out of his skin, jumping on everybody and running around the airport in need of restraint, but today he just sat quietly in his own thoughts. 

Harry stood up and slowly walked over to his best mate, whose eyes had fluttered shut as he lost himself in the music. Harry sat next to him and placed a hand on his knee, “Lou?” 

The older boy opened one eye and pulled out one headphone. 

“Hey,” his voice was croaky from not being used. The two boys hadn’t really spoken since Harry had arrived home earlier that morning. It had been really, really awkward to say the least… and emotional. They had embraced in the door for a few seconds, but everything felt difficult and complicated, so they’d pulled apart not really knowing where their relationship stood and what was and wasn’t acceptable. 

“Are you okay? You seem a little flat,” Harry asked, his face laced with concern. 

“Yeah, I uh,” Louis wondered whether or not to tell Harry about Eleanor. What would Harry make of something like that? Louis didn’t want to get the boy’s hopes up or confuse him any further. Although, at the same time Louis was super pissed off. Eleanor had left him because of Harry, so this meant Harry was to blame for losing him the most important person in his life. As petty and immature as it sounded, he wanted Harry to pay. He was not going to let him get off easily, despite the fact that the younger boy had no clue he’d done anything wrong. Nevertheless, Lou decided against telling him: he decided against telling anyone. “Tired,” he replied. 

“Yeah, I know. It’s a little bit awkward, isn’t it?” Harry chuckled over the obvious tension between the two. 

“Yup.” Louis spoke in short, sharp sentences hoping that the younger boy would get the hint that he just didn’t want company right now and he did. 

Harry’s face dropped figuratively and literally. His expression changed from the smiling, nervous friend to the hurt and broken boy and he let his head fall forward so he stared at his own lap, his curls toppling over to hide his face. 

As mad as Louis was, he couldn’t help but be a sucker for a pouting and shattered Harry. “I’m sorry.” Louis’ apology was quick and almost meaningless in tone, because he didn’t really mean it, but it was enough for the younger boy to lift his head back up with a sheepish smile. 

Harry just stared into the beautiful blue eyes of the boy he loved and, despite the vibes of frustration coming off the older boy, he enthusiastically threw one arm across the lad’s chest and another around the back of his neck and nuzzled his face into his shoulder. “I’m sorry, too. ‘ forgive you, Lou. As long as you’re in my life, I’m happy.” 

Something fluttered in Louis’ stomach and he let the younger boy sink further into his arms. He rested his chin in Harry’s curls and let his eyes close again: feeling his anger evaporate for a split second. 

“Oh look what we have here!” Zayn laughed, pointing out Louis and Harry’s embrace and Louis immediately pulled away, annoyed and pissed off again. Paul rolled his eyes while Niall and Liam chuckled. Liam also looked very confused. He knew the boys had barely been talking: he knew absolutely everything and so this little public moment was a bit of out context. Harry just smiled to himself, repositioning himself to lean on Louis’ shoulder, knowing that nobody really understood the way that the two worked together, not even they did. Who knew what either was thinking about the other? Harry thoughts and body language were oblivious to Louis’ mood. 

Zayn and Liam found a place to sit to sit next to Niall in the busy waiting area and got stuck into conversations of what they had done on their break and who they had seen and met. Louis and Harry stayed opposite the others: Harry napped on Lou, while Louis built up more and more anger inside of himself. He couldn’t get Eleanor’s words out of his head: _“but I do think you have feelings for him”… “I just want to make sure that you’re making the right choice with me and that you’re not missing out on something really amazing with Harry.”_

Fuck Harry. Seriously. Lou was happy. 

Harry had just said that he was happy as long as they were in eachother’s lives; why couldn’t they have just left everything the way it was in the first place? 

“Oi Liam, who’s Danielle and why is she texting you?” Niall interrupted the silence smirking and holding up Liam’s flashing phone. 

“Nobody. Give me that, please.” Liam got out of his seat and paced over to the Irish lad to snatch his phone back. 

“Suit yourself mate, we’ll find out eventually,” Zayn stated with a shit-eating grin and Liam just shrugged. 

The terminal was starting to get quite busy and there were people everywhere all standing around waiting for their flights and eating and drinking and talking and noise and noise and noise. Lou starting feeling rather claustrophobic. It wasn’t that he was afraid of tight and busy spaces or anything like that, he just got flustered when he was angry and wanted to be alone. 

Much to his approval, he saw the screen above the fake, smiling hostess flash to a green “Now Boarding” and shrugged away from Harry, picking up his things and walking determinedly to the gate. The others were just getting up out of their seats by the time Louis handed his boarding flight to the hostess. She scanned his ticket and he marched towards the plane before she could voice her recognition. 

Louis sat down in his sizeable first class seat and got ready for the short flight, hoping and praying that he wouldn’t be seated next to Harry. He sighed in relief when Zayn took a seat next to him. 

The two boys chatted and laughed the whole flight and Louis completely forgot about his anger and frustration, both boys extremely excited for their first show and the massive after party that was planned to follow it by the time the plane touched the tarmac at the end of the flight. 

+++

After Louis’ little getaway-stunt at the airport, Harry got the hint and decided to leave the boy alone. It was the first selfish thing that Harry had done in a while: deciding that he couldn’t possibly afford to get hurt anymore and to just let his best friend cool down. 

Band practice the first day was rather difficult with Harry and Louis not speaking, but they managed. They spoke through the other lads in the band and focused on their routines and singing. 

The first day went quite fast actually. 

After practise, the band had three interviews and so by the time they got back to their luxurious hotel and stood and met fans for half an hour, they all stumbled tiredly into bed. 

Before any of them knew it, they’d done three days of promotions and signings and were now standing backstage waiting for the cue to walk out on to the first show of the tour. 

The dynamics of the group were different than usual before shows. They didn’t stand in a huddle and share encouragements and high-fives and they barely even spoke. Niall tried desperately to bring conversation to life and seemed to just say whatever came into his head, which was more or less bringing attention to the awkwardness. 

Liam decided then and there that the band would sit down the next day and sort everything out, but in the meantime, they had to perform and were being pushed on stage. Zayn turned to face the boys and smiled reassuringly, as they ran out to an arena of noise. The volume of the screams was incredible and all the boys turned to look at one another in amazement. 

+++

“I CAN’T GET OVER HOW SICK THAT SHOW WAS,” Zayn yelled over the loud music to an ever-increasingly drunk Niall. Niall and Harry both nodded wide-eyed in agreement. 

One of the most exclusive and prestigious clubs in Paris was hosting the after party, which was halfway to crazy and had only been going for an hour. The boys and everybody affiliated with them were being swamped by offers of sex, drugs and alcohol, although the boys only accepted the latter. It wasn’t that they didn’t want to have sex with these girls, it’s that they weren’t allowed. There were to be no “shenanigans”, as their management had put it, on this tour. Shenanigans, according to the hour-long PowerPoint presentation presented by their lawyers and management staff, was getting girls pregnant, taking drugs or “tainting” their image. The boys were honestly okay with these rules as long as they got to drink and they were _definitely_ drinking. 

Liam left the small gathering of the boys, soft drink in hand, to go find Zayn, which left Harry and Niall standing by the bar looking effortlessly cool… and really starting to pass the stage of tipsy. Both boys had already downed at least five beers and the party was just starting. The two just stood and talked and sang along to whatever song was blaring through the ridiculously loud speakers. They were surrounded by girls trying to feel them up and flirt with them when Harry realised he was suddenly very uncomfortable. 

“Where’s Lou?” Harry asked into Niall’s ear who just shrugged, turning his attention back to the girls he wasn’t allowed to sleep with. 

Harry excused himself from the swarm and walked around the club for twenty minutes, beer in hand, smiling and saying hello to the people that approached him. He occasionally asked them if they’d seen Louis, but nobody knew where he was. 

Eventually, Harry found a very drunk Louis sitting in a booth at the back of the club. His hair was all over the place and people he didn’t know and empty beer bottles he was finished with surrounded him. Harry slid next to him in the booth and put his own bottle on the table. 

“Hey Lou,” Harry’s words were slightly slurred as he beamed at his best friend. “How great is this?!” 

“Leave me alone” Louis groaned. His back was hunched over the table and he was definitely not in the same mood as the rest of the club-goers. 

“Did I do something wrong?” But Louis didn’t respond, he just took another swig of his beer and kept staring at the sticky patches on the table. “Louis. Talk to me… For God’s sa-“ 

“It’s all your fault,” is what Harry thought he heard Louis mutter and when he asked him to repeat it, he was right. 

“What’s my fault, Lou? You’re not making sense. You’re really drunk.” Harry stood up from the table and grabbed Louis’ arm, “I’m taking you home.” 

The older boy snatched his arm back, but followed the boy to stand up and got right up in his face. “It’s your goddamn fault. You and your fucking _crush_ have fucked everything up. We were perfect, Eleanor and I were perfect and then you…” 

Louis spoke with such venom that tears started to form in Harry’s eyes. “I.- I what, Lou?” 

“You- just… fuck you” Louis spat, turning back around and drunkenly storming away. 

Harry stood in silence for at least two minutes. His hands fell by his sides and he lost all sense of time and space: all he could register was that he was crying and he was crying hard. He forced himself to snap back into reality and leave the club as quickly as he could before he got spotted. 

+++

The situation of waking up after an argument with Louis with a fresh cut hidden under his sleeve was getting far too repetitive for Harry. He could feel the dried tear lines on his cheeks and he just felt dirty. His mouth tasted foul from the alcohol he had consumed the night before as he stepped into the shower. The sound of water running woke Niall up and he groaned as he felt his hangover hit him. Thankfully, the boys had the day off with no promotions or photo shoots or shows, so the blonde boy just rolled back over in his bed and tried to get back to sleep, but it was barely three minutes before the room’s phone starting ringing. 

“Hello?” the air rushing past Niall’s damaged throat made him groan in pain. 

“Niall, it’s Liam. We’re having a meeting in our room in half an hour. Make sure Harry and you are there.” Liam hung up when he heard Niall mutter an understanding response. 

The Irish lad swung his legs out of the bed, placing the phone back on its holder and sulked over to the bathroom. “Harry, we’re goin’ to the others’ room in half an hour. Somet’ing about a meetin’.” 

Harry lifted his head to face the door and called out a simple “okay” before lowering his head back between his knees. The warm water ran over his back and he sat curled on the shower’s floor. He wasn’t crying, he wasn’t upset or even angry: he was just empty. All that he seemed to be aware of was his heavy heartbeat and that familiar echo of nothing in his head. He didn’t even wash his hair or himself in the shower, he just sat. He tried to remember how to feel emotions, how to feel happy, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t even cry, though he wanted to, because at least that would be feeling something, but instead all he felt was this nothingness. It was like being stuck in a small black room with no light and being pushed further and further into the corner. The only way he could turn those lights on, or at least stop the pushing, was to cut. He lifted his wrist so it was at an angle to the water. The liquid flowing over the relatively fresh cut stung and he started to come back around. 

“Harry, we’re goin’ in five, you’ve been in there forever” Niall’s thick Irish accent made him so distinguishable. Harry forced himself to push up out of the shower and turn off the tap. It took him three times longer than it would any other person, because he had to literally argue with himself to make his body move or speak or anything. 

Harry walked out of the bathroom with his towel around his waist and only glanced briefly at his reflection in passing. All he focused on were his eyes and they were lifeless. There is a certain look in the eyes of someone who is broken and if you’re not looking for it, you won’t find it, but it was definitely showing in Harry’s green. 

After slipping into track pants and a hoodie, Harry walked out of his room with Niall: making casual conversation about how awful they both felt. The other boys’ room was only three doors down and when the walked in they saw Zayn and Liam sitting on one couch and Louis, arms folded and lips pouted in annoyance, sitting on another. The five band mates spoke normally and casually for five to ten minutes, Niall seated in an armchair and Harry next to Louis. 

“Okay, the reason I got us all in here is because the friendships in this group are starting to fall apart a bit.” Liam paused briefly for effect, ”I think a few of us are keeping secrets away from each other and so we’re going to talk about them…” Liam finished eyebrows raised and Louis and Harry shifted uncomfortably next to one another, “Right now.” 

Of course it was Liam who called the formal meeting rather than just chatting about it. Liam was always in control and Harry hoped that Liam could keep this particular meeting that way. Harry had a lot of secrets that just wouldn’t benefit anybody if he let them out: especially not himself. 

“Well,” Niall began, “honestly I don’t have any. Sorry lads.” 

“Uh, I slept with a girl before we came on tour. It was great” Zayn contributed, getting a laugh from the others. Zayn noticed the fact that the two boys sitting next to each other were barely showing emotion and sat an abnormal distance from the other. He’d also heard from people at the after party that they had had a fight. “But I feel like Lou and Harry are hiding something…” 

“Yeah, uhm” Lou looked nervously at Harry. He didn’t want this to come up at all. 

“I told Lou that I’m in love with him and he said no,” Harry blurted out, but like previously, nobody was particularly shocked until they had processed the information and realised that Louis had turned him down. 

“Why’d you say no, buddy?” Niall was always asking the awkward questions, but the guy was oblivious to whether what he was saying was acceptable or not so nobody ever took it as rude; he was just curious and wasn’t afraid to ask. 

“I have Eleanor…” 

_No secrets. No secrets in the band_ , Louis thought to himself, took a deep breath and said, “I _had_ Eleanor.” 

Every single boy gasped at this, even Harry, and Louis hung his head in shame. Harry wasn’t sure whether he should comfort his best friend because he was hurting or move away from his him, because Harry was obviously the reason. Everything from the fight the night before suddenly made sense. It was Harry’s fault that Eleanor left Louis and that’s why he was so angry with the younger boy. Harry was surprisingly relieved, because now he knew what it was he didn’t have to make far-fetched and painful conclusions anymore. 

“What for?” Liam asked, but he was a little more aware of the intrusive nature of his question. “If you don’t mind me asking?” 

“No, that’s okay. Uh… she just… uhm.” _Fuck._ He shouldn’t have said anything. Louis couldn’t possibly drop the bomb that she thought he had feelings for Harry, because Harry was sitting right next to him. He hadn’t thought this through at all. He cursed his big mouth. “Needed some time apart. We’re not broken up, just on a break.” Louis explained, seemingly dodging a bullet… for now at least. 

The boys all sat in silence for a couple of minutes. It wasn’t an awkward silence at all: they were all just processing the information and putting all the puzzle pieces together. Harry was upset, because Louis rejected him, because he was with Eleanor, but Eleanor left Louis probably because of Harry, which made Louis upset at Harry, which made Harry more upset. Talk about a vicious circle. 

“I’ve been on a few dates with a girl: Danielle,” Liam broke the silence, changing the subject. Again, none of the boys were surprised, because ever since Danielle had been brought up at the airport a few days earlier they’d all suspected just as much. “I met her when Harry and I went out.” 

“When did you and Harry go partying and why wasn’t I invited?” Zayn pouted, which made Niall laugh. 

“I stayed with Liam for a week after Lou and I… had a fight.” The two uninformed boys made sounds of understanding. “I don’t remember seeing her,” Harry furrowed his eyebrows and tried to remember seeing Liam talking to a girl. He could only just see the memory of a curly haired, skinny, gorgeous girl. 

“Yeah probably because you went home with-” Liam cut himself off, realising that he’d slipped up. “-You went home early.” This correction didn’t fool anybody though and Harry sat wide-eyed as Liam shook his head violently in apology, a hand covering his mouth. Zayn reminded the two silent boys that there were to be no more secrets in the band and Louis egged Harry on to spill the secret. 

“Erm, well basically… I uh, went home with a uh, guy.” Harry stumbled the same way he always did when asked about his sex life or relationships. All the boys sat in what was now definitely an awkward silence. Nobody had to ask whether Harry had slept with the guy or not, because they could tell by the look on his face and the heat on his cheeks. 

“Any other secrets, Harry?” Louis spoke critically, but his voice was also shaken: probably from the fact that his best friend who was in love with him had had sex with a man. The oldest boy was quite sure that there was only one secret remaining in the band and that was that Harry had a tendency to self-harm. Lou wasn’t meant to know this though and he really didn’t want to throw the poor boy under the bus and out him in front of everyone. If he could get Harry to admit it though, surely they could all help him through it. 

Harry just shook his head and played dumb, but also worried that maybe Lou knew about his problem. With (almost) every secret out in the open and an “Alright then…” the boys dispersed back to their rooms and settled in for a pretty boring, but relaxing, day. 

+++

Zayn and Louis had snuck out the back of the hotel at around midday and went to a small café in a more quiet part of town. The narrow cobblestone streets and beautiful old buildings were picturesque French. Louis admired the scene through the window while Zayn stood in line to get their coffees. 

“Here you go,” Zayn offered as he set Louis’ mug down in front of him. “Now, what the fuck happened this morning?” Both boys laughed at Zayn’s dryness. 

“I have no clue, mate. I’m still trying to process it all.” Louis began, speaking his thoughts aloud, “I mean, Harry slept with a guy. And now you know, he’s in love with me. Does that mean he wants to have sex with me? I’m straight. This is all out of nowhere, it’s crazy. Two weeks ago I didn’t know Harry even liked me that way.” 

Zayn snorted at the last comment, receiving a confused look from the other boy. “You didn’t know? Oh come on Lou, it’s so obvious. The way you two are around each other I always thought you were a thing.” Louis’ eyebrows were reaching his hairline by this point in Zayn’s explanation, “I’m actually more shocked that you don’t… you know… feel that way about him too.” 

Now it was Louis’ turn to snort, “Mum said that too, even Eleanor said that.” 

“It’s because you two are so close. I don’t know man, it just never seemed like there were any boundaries with you guys.” Louis knew what Zayn was talking about: Harry and he really didn’t have any boundaries… well, they did now. That was definitely a shame, because Louis had never felt as comfortable around anybody else and, as frustrated as he still was over the Eleanor situation, he definitely missed the curly-haired boy; the previously innocent boy, who had now slept with a guy, because he was obviously upset and lonely over Louis. 

Louis felt his stomach drop with guilt. He felt horrible for everything that was in and out of his power. He couldn’t change the fact that he rejected the boy, but he could change the fact that he was being a dick to him. He decided there and then to cut the kid some slack, hoping that if he did, things would start to return to the earlier ease of their friendship. 

“You’re thinking about Harry…” Zayn pointed out, taking a sip of his coffee, the older boy lifting his vision to him with a questioning look on his face. “You’re smiling. Why can’t you admit that you care about him?” 

“I do care about him, just not in _that_ way.” Louis’ smile vanished and he furrowed his eyebrows, “Funny you should say that though, ‘cause that’s why Eleanor decided we should ‘go on a break’.” 

Zayn placed his coffee back down on the table and cocked his head to the side, wordlessly requesting an explanation. Louis sighed, “She said I need to work out my feelings for Harry before we continue being together. She thinks I’m secretly in love with him.” 

Zayn didn’t respond verbally at all. He just shrugged and sat with his lips in an all-knowing-smirk. Maybe being a dick to Harry wasn’t just being pissed off at him, but also not allowing himself to work out how he felt about his best mate. Louis had another epiphany, deciding this time that he would let himself feel and think whatever came to mind when he was around Harry. It was the only way he was going to get his girlfriend and his best friend back, anyway. 

+++

“From the moment I met you everything changed,” Liam sung. The boys were an hour into concert rehearsal and their attention was starting to sway. Liam, as always, kept singing and dancing, as the other just stood around and sung their parts. He always worked harder than everyone else. It wasn’t that the others didn’t work hard, because they did, it was just that Liam took the word “passionate” to a new level. 

It wasn’t his turn to sing yet, so Louis leant against the back wall of the dance studio they’d hired, closed his eyes and just listened. They sounded great. They always sounded great; Louis felt so blessed to be in such an amazing group of guys. He smiled softly to himself and opened his eyes. Harry was standing with his neck turned to watch the older boy lose himself in his thoughts… and Louis caught him. He smiled at the curly-haired boy who just nodded at him, bright red after getting sprung. Louis pushed himself from the wall and walked back over to take his place beside Harry, gently placing his hand on the boy’s back and winking. Harry’s insides did a massive flip and he grinned sheepishly at Louis. 

_What the fuck am I doing?_ Louis thought to himself, internally slapping himself for winking at Harry. Only a second later though, did Louis remind himself that he was not being a cockhead to Harry anymore and was allowing himself to do, feel and say whatever around the boy. He took a deep breath and calmed himself back down, giving the younger boy a reassuring smile. 

Harry’s green eyes lit up at Louis’ little display and he grinned immensely before returning to his microphone to sing. 

+++

All five boys and Paul sat in the back of the van that was taking them back to the hotel after rehearsal. They were already in their second week of the Europe Tour and were performing in Switzerland the next day and then two shows in Germany: it was a crazy feelings for all the boys to turn up to a country where the people don’t even speak English as a first language and they are just as fanatical as the UK, Australia and America. 

Touring was always crazy though, so the travel time was always the much-needed, quiet part. Paul was minding his own business and reading a book; he always did that when the boys were just travelling, because he had no job to do but also didn’t want to intrude of the boys’ space and downtime. Typically, Zayn had fallen asleep on Harry’s shoulder in the very back and Louis sat on Harry’s other side. The two non-sleeping boys in the back exchanged small smiles and nervous, unsure glances, but kept rather silent. Instead, they just listened to the conversation of the two in the seat before them. 

“So,” Niall beamed, as he nudged Liam suggestively in the ribs, “tell us all about her.” At first, Liam sighed, but as soon as he began to talk about Danielle he was rather comfortable and happy that the boys wanted to know. 

“Not much to say. She’s a dancer, she’s 23 and she’s the most adoring, funny, beautiful girl. She’s actually pretty incredible.” Liam smiled to himself. It was amazing: he’d met the girl only three times, but he spent nearly every second of the day texting or calling her and he was really falling for her fast. “I’ve got a photo of her if you’d like to see…?” 

Niall nodded energetically and pretty much snatched the phone out of Liam’s hands. He tapped the screen with his finger and the screen illuminated, showing a photo of the most absolutely beautiful girl. Niall’s heart and stomach actually sank at the sight of her. 

“ _Jesus_ ,” Niall let out. She had amazing curly hair and a beautifully smooth skin tone. He smiled and handed the phone behind to Louis and Harry who were eager to see the photo. 

“She’s gorgeous. Happy for you mate” Liam smiled widely at Niall’s remark and thanked him by squeezing his hand on the Irish lad’s knee. 

The van pulled up outside the hotel and Paul put his book away and his serious face on, ready to push the five superstars through the crowd of teenaged girls that had accumulated out the front of their hotel. 

The driver got out of the van and pulled open the doors for them, resulting in the loudest screams ever heard. The girls went absolutely crazy, which made Zayn stir awake, as the rest of the boys started to step out. 

There were signs and tears and posters everywhere. Louis and Liam always loved reading the signs that the girls held up at concerts, signings, hotels and everywhere and always pointed out the best ones to each other. Today, however, there seemed to be one poster that didn’t make Louis laugh or smile at all. It actually made his stomach do backflips oddly enough. A girl about three rows back from the front, just next to the van, held up a sign which had an old photo of Louis and Harry kissing and it had “Larry Stylinson” written in a heart. Louis only focused on the picture though and he spun around to see if Harry had spotted it too. 

Harry put his glasses on, pulled his beanie on tight and stepped out of the van. Everything at that point seemed to go into complete chaos and he took a second to just look around and take in the overwhelming environment. That’s when he spotted that same poster and his heart may have skipped a few beats and then deflated completely. The photo of him and Louis kissing brought back happy memories of when everything was easier, but also made him burn with the want to have that back. Louis was standing facing Harry with the most horrified expression on his face. All that the tanned boy could do was stare at Harry’s lips. It wasn’t the first time he’d thought about kissing Harry (or even done it), but it was the first time that he wanted it. All the blood in his body seemed to rush to either his cheeks or his groin, which made his face burn even hotter in realisation. He quickly tore his eyes away from the equally stunned, younger boy and marched through the crowd and into the hotel. 

It was hard for Louis to force himself to not push away from Harry after an experience like that, because it went against every fibre in his body. He had dead set wanted to kiss Harry and in retrospect it still wasn’t repulsive to him. This was a completely new feeling to Louis, but he had made a promise to himself to give Harry the opportunity he deserved, whether Harry knew it or not, by allowing himself to feel whatever feelings he felt. 

Harry hadn’t particularly picked up on Louis’ reaction, but he still did realise that everything was starting to fall back into normalcy. The two boys were sitting next to each other all the time again and talking and touching as carelessly as before everything changed. Harry actually felt a glimmer of happiness and hope for the first time in a long time: he was starting to feel wanted and, more importantly, needed again. It baffled him how one person could impact his emotions so dramatically, but that also reinforced how much Louis actually meant to him. 

“What are you smiling about?” Louis plonked himself down on the couch next to Harry. The two boys were sitting in the hotel room that they were sharing with Zayn. Harry had the TV on, but the older boy could tell that he wasn’t watching it at all and that he was lost in his thoughts. 

“Nothing,” Harry came out of his head and replied, “How’ve you been? With the whole... er… Eleanor thing?” 

“I’ve been alright, I guess.” Louis sighed, “There’s not much I can really do.” … _Just hope that she comes back to me,_ he continued in his head. He couldn’t have spoken those words aloud though, because of Harry’s feelings. He was pretty sure the boy already felt horribly guilty on top of having been rejected. 

“I’m so sorry. I know that it was because of me.” Louis was right and Harry hung his head at his own words. He was able to deal with the fact that Louis didn’t return his feelings, it hurt, but he had his ways of managing. He couldn’t, however, stand the thought of hurting Louis at all; just because his stupid feelings had messed himself up, didn’t mean that Louis needed to be messed up too. 

Louis couldn’t respond to Harry’s guilt-ridden apology: he couldn’t do anything but pull the boy into his arms. The two sat entwined as Louis spoke into the other boy’s curls. Words like, “It’s okay” and, “It’s not your fault.” Complete lies, but who’s going to tell the poor kid that it was one hundred per cent to do with him? Louis knew that Harry would know he was lying, but it was the thought that counted. 

Harry’s arms wrapped around Louis ribs and his head rested on his chest. Louis hoped to God that Harry couldn’t hear his heart beat, but all Harry could hear was his own blood rushing at a thousand kilometres an hour. Harry sighed and Louis pondered. 

When Zayn burst through the door and sat next to them on the couch, Harry expected Louis to pull away as he had started doing recently, but he didn’t. Zayn gave Louis a sneaky, meaningful look that said, “Told you so”, which Louis just smiled sheepishly at. 

_This isn’t so bad,_ Louis thought to himself as he smoothed down the boy in his arm’s curls calmingly and reassuringly. 

+++

Twenty minutes after coming off stage and the boys were still ecstatic. It felt like they could do a three shows a day for ten years and never get over the rush of singing to tens of thousands of people. 

Everything was always a big blur after the show, as they were given five minutes to calm down and grab their stuff and then they were shoved out the back door to an awaiting van. They always tried to stop for five minutes and meet the few fans that found them, but tonight was crazy for some reason: they’d had to run past, waving with apologetic smiles. 

It wasn’t until they were halfway down the highway that they actually got to take a breath and talk to each other. The first ten minutes of banter was all about things they had seen during the show, the good bits, Harry falling over as per usual and just talking. 

“By the way, you know how we were going to go have lunch tomorrow?” Liam asked rhetorically and the boys nodded, “Danielle’s actually flying over here tonight and I was wondering if she could come?” 

There was a chorus of “Of course!” and “Awesome!”. Liam smiled to himself, happy at how perfectly everything was. He had possibly found the girl of his dreams, she seemed to feel the same way and his band mates and best friends were more than happy for him. 

Harry gave him an approving smile and Zayn tapped Liam on the shoulder supportively, “Can’t wait to meet her, mate.” 

+++

The restaurant they chose for their big lunch was beautiful. It sat about ten stories up and had the most picturesque view of the European cityscape. It was very modern too and the boys, Paul, management and of course, Danielle, sat around a big table next to the glass walls to outside. 

The adults all sat at one end of the table, talking about home, drinking responsibly and just enjoying the time off; whereas the boys were laughing loudly and causing quite a commotion… not that anybody from the restaurant management minded, because having the biggest boy band in the world dine at your restaurant was publicity all the money in the world couldn’t buy. So, all of the waitresses were over-friendly and gave them all the attention… maybe a little too much at times, but Zayn definitely wasn’t complaining. He just sat smugly as the gorgeous blonde waitress, kept asking him if he wanted another drink. 

Liam was sat between Danielle and Harry. Harry was switching between what Liam thought might have even been flirting with Louis and asking Danielle all about herself. 

Liam squeezed her hand underneath the table, to reassure her that everything was okay, but she didn’t need it: she wasn’t nervous. She was fitting in as if she was part of the band all along, talking and joking with all of the boys and answering all of their questions. Everything was going perfectly. Liam couldn’t believe how many times he’d said that to himself in the past few weeks and he looked at Harry in utter bliss and disbelief. Harry completely understood the look and started complimenting him on how beautiful and funny she was. 

Niall sat on the other side of Danielle and kept quiet for most of the group conversations, probably due to the plates and plates of food in front of him, but actually stopped eating to have a one-on-one conversation with Danielle. “Liam’s very lucky. We really like you,” Niall complimented and reassured her. She smiled sheepishly. 

Liam was happy to see Niall and her getting along, because Niall had random bouts of shyness and you never knew whether he would feel comfortable talking to someone or not. He was relieved that he and Danielle were stuck in conversation for a good twenty minutes and didn’t bother to interrupt, rather just continuing to enjoy the day with the others. 

“DESSERT!” Everybody in the restaurant turned to look at the screaming blonde boy. Danielle jumped in her seat, naturally not used to Niall’s outbursts of loudness; everybody else just giggled at his enthusiasm as the extravagant chocolates and fruits were placed in front of them. 

Once again, the adults sat calmly and ate politely while the younger ones went a little crazy. Danielle and Liam shared a chocolate pudding, which got _awwws_ from everybody at the table and a blush from Danielle, Niall surrounded himself with five or six different desserts and silently scoffed them down and Louis and Harry had a plate of fruit dipped in chocolate each. 

Harry didn’t know if it was the carefree environment or the alcohol that had him thoughtlessly messing around with Louis, but he didn’t really mind, because it wasn’t like he had anything to lose. Although his own plate was still half full of the lavish food, he grabbed his fork and stole two of Louis fruits, popping them into his mouth his a smile, while Louis watched with eyes wide in faux horror. 

Harry raised his eyebrows as if to say, “Now what, Tomlinson?” 

The two boys joked around until their plates were empty, stealing each other’s food and feeding each other, laughing all the while. The others at the table definitely picked up on it and exchanged looks. Zayn texted Liam discreetly: 

This isn’t going to end well…

“I think it could,” Liam replied verbally, because nobody else knew what they were talking about anyway. 

+++

Out the front of the restaurant the boys said their goodbyes to Danielle, who had to go to a rehearsal for an upcoming show, she had explained. Harry and Louis hadn’t left each other’s side since their little flirting incident and kept exchanging little brushes and touches. Liam was distracted momentarily by their closeness, so he didn’t see Zayn and Niall say goodbye to his… date? Girlfriend? That was for him and Danielle to work out soon. 

“It was great to meet you, Dani.” Zayn hugged her briefly, before turning to address the waitress who he had been flirting with. Niall saw her pass him a napkin out of the corner of his eye: it probably had her number on it. Niall, however, wasn’t really focusing on it. 

“You should come to the show tomorrow night,” Niall offered, “It’d be uh… great to see you again.” Danielle said she’d think about it and how lovely it was to meet all of them then pulled the bumbling Irish lad into a hug goodbye. 

Niall then went to stand over with the other boys and let Liam and Danielle have their own private goodbye. He tried to join in the conversation, but all he could think about was the beautiful girl standing mere metres from him; all he could feel were the inappropriate butterflies in his stomach. 

“Shit,” Niall mumbled to himself. 

+++

“LOU, YOUR PHONE’S RINGING,” Harry shouted from the next room. 

Lou got up from his computer and walked into the lounge where Harry sat on the couch and his phone vibrated on the glass coffee table. He smiled at Harry, leant down to pick up his phone and stopped smiling. 

“Hey, one second,” Louis answered. Taking his phone back into his own room and away from a confused Harry. He shut the door behind him, sat on the bed and took a deep breath, “Hey El, how are you?” 

“I’m not bad. Just had my last exam today and I think I did well.” The familiar voice hit home for Louis. He realised how much he really did miss his girlfriend and he also suddenly realised everything he’d done today and felt incredibly guilty for… flirting with Harry all the time. 

“Of course you did,” 

“What about you?” 

“Me? I’m pretty good, you know… considering.” Lou didn’t want to really bring any subjects up at all, he just wanted to talk to her, but it was unavoidable. “We’ve just been really busy, but we had lunch today together and met Liam’s new girl. I think you’ll really like her.” 

“Oh!” Eleanor made a sound that sounded scarily similar to the sounds that the girls outside their hotels make, “That’s awesome! Name?” 

“Danielle.” And then silence. They had both stopped talking. They both knew that the next subject was the touchy one; they were past the phatic nonsense, the gossip. 

“How’s Harry?” Eleanor broke the silence. 

“Yeah he’s good. We had heaps of fun at lunch today,” Louis wasn’t lying, he was just leaving out half the detail, “I think we’re getting back to normal actually.” 

“That’s good Lou. That’s why we’re doing this. So that you can either get back to normal with him or let something more happen, okay?” Eleanor reassured him. “It’s okay if you flirt with him and it’s okay if you have feelings for him.” 

“Yeah I know.” 

“Alright, we’ll I only rang to tell you know that I’m still alive and that I love and support you no matter who you love and support. Bye Lou.” Eleanor hung up after Louis returned his quiet goodbye. 

He sat with the phone still pressed to his ear for a few seconds, going over everything that had happened since Eleanor and he split. There was the poster incident, the flirting at lunch, the moment at rehearsal and before that there was the shower incident that Lou had completely forgotten about. 

He fell back on the bed and closed his eyes. He’d never thought of any other guy that way before. Did it really matter though? Did it matter that the person he wanted to kiss was another guy? Of course it did. This changed everything in his life. What if he was… that way inclined? He could barely even think the word. 

_Gay._

No, he definitely was not gay. He had always been a ladies man; he had a girlfriend for fuck’s sake. Though, he still had thought about Harry in a non-platonic way. 

Maybe he was bisexual? Growing up he had always been comfortable around both sexes: it wasn’t that he thought of both, it was more or less that he didn’t think of either: they were all just people. He had never wanted to do anything sexual with a guy before, so maybe it was just Harry. Was that a confession? Shit. Did he actually want to do _stuff_ with Harry? 

He let his mind wander for a second, but pulled it back in before he even got close to an answer. As always, Louis Tomlinson was over-thinking the simple things: he would take Eleanor’s advice and just, well, go with the flow. 

He pushed himself up off the bed, leaving his phone on the pillow and sauntered back into the lounge. Harry turned his head and shuffled over on the couch, almost innately, to make room for Louis. 

“Who was that?” 

He couldn’t lie; it couldn’t be avoided. “Eleanor” 

Harry had nothing to say at all. He wanted to ask how she was, how he was, how they were, but because of the situation he was in it was none of his business and even if it were, it wasn’t his place to ask such questions. Lou noticed Harry shifting uncomfortably and placed his hand on the boy’s knee reassuringly. 

Harry lifted his head and his green eyes shone. He was definitely looking happier the past few days: he must really love Louis. 

Louis felt his heart rate speed up, as two larger hands took his own from the boy’s leg. The gesture was simple, but far from meaningless, as blue eyes stared into green. 

For Harry, it was getting his friend back; for Louis, it was the terrifying but eye-opening moment when he realised that he had feelings for Harry. Harry Styles… his best friend and band mate who was head over heals in love with him. 

Shit. 

Louis spent the rest of the day either pacing nervously around the room or sitting in complete silence. Harry had asked him what was wrong, but nothing was wrong. Or was everything wrong? Was it wrong that he had feelings for his best friend? 

Those feelings definitely weren’t to the extent of those returned, but everybody had been right: he’d just been too stuck-up to admit it even to himself. This changed absolutely everything in his life. He couldn’t decide who tell first or who to tell at all. Although, not telling anyone was not an option, because now that he’d found those feelings, Louis had such a full-on personality that he wouldn’t be able to hide it. 

If he told Harry or Eleanor first… he didn’t really want to tell either at all. If he told Liam first, he would try and convince him to do something in the best interest of the band and them as a group… not what Louis really wanted, and Niall is such a loud-mouth that he’d tell absolutely everybody. There was only one person that Louis could talk to rationally at one point, who would give him an honest opinion. 

“Zayn,” Louis sighed in relief as he heard someone pick up the phone, “Can we please talk? Something’s happened.” 

+++

Zayn and Louis sat alone, deep in discussion in a coffee shop for the second time that week, except this time Zayn’s smug smile was justified: he had been right. 

The two boys had been sitting there for two hours easily and Zayn had convinced Louis that he needed to tell Harry the truth. Zayn realised that the older boy was just wasting time now, avoiding going back to the hotel where Harry was. 

He called over the waitress for the cheque and tipped her generously. She was tall, skinny and had beautiful long brown hair and Zayn couldn’t help but notice the way she beamed at him. After getting her number on the way out, he pushed Louis out the door and back to the hotel. He wouldn’t call her though: he always picked up the numbers of girls to reassure his faith in himself, but never called them. He was quite lonely actually. 

Louis distracted himself from his thoughts and emotions by checking twitter. 

charlotte styles and 274591 others followed you. 

Wow, he hadn’t been on for a while, the fans were probably confused. Neither him nor Harry had really been overly public for the past month or so. Louis was happy to realise that nobody knew about Eleanor and him being on a break, but was shocked at the amount of people in his mentions calling him gay or saying that he and Harry are a perfect couple. Was he that obvious? Had they picked up on something, or were they just starting rumours as per usual? 

They had definitely picked up that Harry wasn’t his usual bubbly self and Louis remembered that the young boy is incredible fragile at this moment and he needs to tell Harry carefully. 

_Oh god_ , he’s telling Harry. He’s telling his male best friend that he has feelings for him. 

Louis didn’t even realised he’d stopped dead in his tracks, but Zayn gave him a gentle push along, “C’mon mate.” He didn’t, however, try and distract the poor guy, because it would be a fruitless exercise, so the two just continued in silence until they got past the fans and into the elevator of the hotel. 

“I can’t do this,” Louis panicked as the light lit up for his floor. 

“Yes you can.” Louis was pushed out the elevator and Zayn followed, but left immediately to go to Liam and Niall’s room, leaving the two others in completely privacy. 

Louis didn’t even remember walking to his hotel room; he was too lost in his own thoughts. He took a deep breath and pushed down the door handle. When he stepped into the hotel room, everything seemed normal. The TV was on in the back corner and Louis could see a head of curls wrapped under a blanket on the couch. He took yet another deep breath and walked to the opposite couch, but when he was greeted by red eyes, his heart skipped a beat and his mind took a step back. 

“Why are you crying!?” Louis jumped and moved to sit with Harry on the larger couch. Harry lay semi-curled in on himself, with tears silently pouring down his cheeks that he wasn’t even bothering to reign in. He was too tired of fighting the ever-threatening moisture. Louis brushed the tears away with his thumb and repeated his question, but softer this time. The simple gesture made both boys skip a beat, swallow hard and try to suppress the butterflies accumulating in their stomachs. 

“Nothing’s really wrong. I’m just tired.” Harry seemed to be telling the truth, but Louis knew it was only half of it. He didn’t want to press the issue though, because now wasn’t the time for that. Now was the time to comfort the younger boy. 

He didn’t notice Harry pull down his sleeve precautiously as he told him to move over. 

Louis pulled Harry closer to him, wrapping his arms around the boys ever-disappearing waist. Was Harry eating properly at the moment? Louis hadn’t really observed anything peculiar, but he made a note to look out for something of the likes. Harry’s hands sat clasped between the two boys and his head rested on the elder’s chest. 

“It’s alright, this could be a rough night. So hold tight, this is not a fair fight,” Louis sung softly and soothingly into to the top of Harry’s head. He didn’t even have to think of how to comfort the boy, he just did; his presence just did. 

Louis relaxed too. Despite the fact that he had found Harry crying, this moment was perfect. The two really did work well together. The fans were right on Twitter: they would be a fantastic couple. Louis gulped. Is that what he wanted? Sure, he had feelings for Harry and to have frequent moments like this would make him very happy, but did he want Harry to be his boyfriend? 

_Let’s slow things right back down…_ Louis thought. Should he still tell Harry about his feelings? Maybe now wasn’t the best time. 

Louis scolded himself for allowing himself to cop out so easily, but now honestly was not a good moment: he would tell him tonight after the concert. 

Meanwhile, Harry was confused out of his mind. Why had Louis gone from screaming at him a few weeks ago back at their house to cuddles and serenading? He wasn’t particularly complaining. No, he wasn’t complaining one little bit, because this is what he wanted and needed, but it was still unusual. He could tell that the boy next to him was holding back words, but he would let him speak in his own time and just bask in peace of the present. 

The two boys shooed all traces of their thoughts, curled further into each other and drifted off into a nap. 

+++

Zayn had obviously told the other boys, because when the three came in to check on Harry and Louis and found them tangled in each other on the couch, Niall screamed out “CONGRATULATIONS”. 

Liam laughed as Harry and Louis jolted awake. Louis looked at the three standing band-members, eyes wide in shock, head shaking slightly. Liam read the expression clearly and shook his head at Niall and Zayn as if to say, “Abort mission! He hasn’t told him yet!” 

Harry looked at his friends, now completely and utterly bemused, so everyone was quick to try and change the subject. Apologies and guilt rolled off Zayn’s posture and expression. 

“Danielle’s coming to the show tonight is what I came to tell you.” Liam started, while Niall and Zayn just stood smiling at the two boys who after sitting up, had subconsciously entwined again. Louis pulled Harry on his lap and snaked one arm around the boy’s waist, letting his fingers settle on the protruding hipbone. “We also have hair and makeup in fifteen minutes too.” 

The messy-haired, sleepy-eyed two were left in peace again after that, but, after a short, sheepish smile at the other, they unravelled and went back to doing them. 

Harry had a shower while Louis gathered his things and thoughts. As the two walked to Liam’s room to get their hair and makeup done for the concert, Louis decided that it was now or never. It was time to get the ball rolling. 

“Remind me to tell you something later,” Louis asked of Harry, “Don’t let me go to sleep tonight without talking to you.” Harry just nodded, silent and perplexed, while Louis felt his stomach drop: that was it. Whether he liked it or not, he was telling Harry tonight. 

+++

Danielle had met with the boys about half an hour before they went on stage and everybody noticed the close proximity and ease of her and Liam: they were looking more and more like an item; they were fast becoming smitten. So, after the concert, nobody was really surprised when the two left quite quickly to go out leaving Niall, Zayn, Harry and Louis sitting in the car. 

Niall sat silently on his phone in the front and he seemed bothered by something, but Zayn was the only one to notice and didn’t want to ask him in front of everyone else. Louis and Harry sat side by side in the back seat. Louis’ hand sat limply next to his body, which meant it was brushing against Harry’s thigh, which meant that Harry was hyperaware of everything. He was musing on the infinite possibilities that he usually didn’t allow himself to feel. But why would he hold back the thoughts that make him happy, even if they would hurt the next day? However, this was a bad idea, because when Louis’ hand moved to gently cup the inside of his thigh, just above his knee, his breath hitched and those romantic thoughts suddenly turned very non-platonic. 

Louis didn’t seem to notice, because his eyes had fluttered closed as his beanie covered head rested against the cold window. Harry was still keen to distract himself by focusing on a new topic. 

“Lou?” The older boy cracked his eyes open slightly in acknowledgment of his name being called, “What’d you want to talk about?” 

Half-closed eyes flew open and he sat up straighter, pulling his hand back from Harry’s leg and clearing his throat, “Uh, it’s more of a private thing. Back at the hotel?” 

Harry’s eyebrows knitted together in puzzlement and he turned to see Zayn sitting with a shit-eating, all-knowing grin. Everybody was in on it except Harry. What was going on? He didn’t say anything though. Instead, he sat silently, eyebrows never separating as he tried to decipher the situation. It wasn’t until he and Louis were in hotel room, alone, that Louis spoke either. 

“Sorry for confusing you,” Louis laughed, obviously tense about something, as he threw his jacket on the back of the dining chair and motioned for Harry to follow him to the couch. 

“That’s okay. Is something wrong?” Harry still hadn’t relaxed at all. Oh god, how was Louis supposed to do this? 

_Just go for it. You can do this, Lou_ , his inner voice giving him a well-needed pep talk. He focused on not stuttering or blushing, but the latter failed miserably. 

Harry cocked his head to the side. 

“Eleanor left me, because she thought that I… er… felt something for you.” Louis explained. Harry didn’t look overly surprised that the Eleanor thing was to do with him, but definitely shocked that it was because she thought there were affections involved. Louis paused to let Harry speak if he wished, but only silence filled the break. So, he continued, “That’s why I was angry at you. And I’m so sorry for that. It wasn’t fair at all, because you had no idea. But after a week of being… bitter… I realised that they only way for me to get her back was to let myself go so that I could tell her that I one hundred percent did not have feelings for you…” 

Harry’s heart sank, his stomach dropped and his eyes stung. Where was this conversation going? This hurt… Harry didn’t like this at all. 

“Haz, don’t look like that.” Harry looked up, “Don’t look sad, I’m not done yet.” 

Louis took a deep breath, turned to face the younger boy. He crossed his legs and took Harry’s hands in his own. The curly-haired boy stared at their connected hands with wide eyes and he felt a rush of blood to his cheeks. “Sorry.” 

“It’s okay. Uhm, well. Yeah… I was trying to prove I didn’t think about you like that at all, but I failed…” Louis looked at Harry expectantly, but the boy just sat there, hands clenching and not moving. “Harry?” Louis chuckled and lifted the shocked boy’s chin to face him. Harry’s expression was a sight to be seen: his eyes still giant and his face still red, but now his mouth was slightly ajar in confusion. Inside, Harry felt physically awful and emotionally wrecked from the butterflies and joy that were filling him from head to toe. 

Was he making this up? Was this some kind of sick joke? He needed confirmation of what he was hearing. 

“I… don’t understand,” he lied. He understood. Louis was admitting that he had feelings for him, but he just wanted to hear it. 

“I don’t know when or how it happened, but after you told me how you… feel, I started looking at you differently and I just found these feelings for you… I _like_ you Harry.” Louis quietened to let Harry process all this information, but couldn’t help but laugh for a few reasons. One, was the look of pure confusion and shock on Harry’s face, second was the relief of having told him… The whole situation was pretty laughable as well. 

“I need to sit down,” Harry explained. 

“You are sitting down. Do you want to _lie_ down?” Louis prompted, another reason to laugh. Both boys were beyond blissfully happy, but Harry more so. 

“Yeah, I meant that… was what I meant… yeah,” Louis moved a cushion from the opposite couch and motioned for Harry to lie his head on it. 

Harry complied and Louis sat staring out the window in silence for what might have been five seconds or five minutes. There was still so much he needed to say, because he was sure that Harry was going to go over-board with the state he was in. Louis still had a girlfriend, break or no break, and his feelings towards Harry weren’t close to half of those returned. 

With Harry’s still-trembling hand in his hand, he explained these things to him. Harry understood completely and now that he had calmed down and his head had stopped spinning, he was able to grin victoriously at the boy he loved. 

“You gonna sleep here?” Louis asked, nodding at the couch. Harry bowed his head in response, not expecting at all that he and Lou would sleep in the same bed after a conversation like that. “Alright then, goodnight Harry.” 

Harry squeezed Lou’s hand and almost passed out again when Louis leant his head down, eyes intense on Harry and kissed the top of his knuckles before leaving. “Night Lou.” 

Harry broke into a giant grin (and may have even fist-pumped in triumph) once the other lad’s bedroom door closed. His mind couldn’t and wouldn’t sleep: thoughts zipping left, right and centre and not one of them negative. 

Tonight, for the first time ever, Harry didn’t mind one bit that his thoughts deprived him from resting.


	3. Chapter 3

+++

  


Liam couldn’t help but smile in wonderment at the amount of people that had turned up to their signing. The boys were back in the UK after a four-week tour of the rest of Europe: the only places left for them to play on this leg of the world tour were Ireland, Scotland and England. Yes, world tour. The boys would then have a four-day rest after these last two weeks before heading off to Australasia.

World tours, thousands of people showing up to a book signing in London, girls crying at their feet and in their arms. Liam smiled even wider, knowing that this feeling of appreciation and awe would never subside. And speaking of feelings, Liam and the other boys had noticed that since that night two weeks ago in Denmark, Louis and Harry had been surprisingly and suspiciously touchy-feely around each other and seemed to be back to their old selves. 

Liam wasn’t complaining… nobody was, because nobody had seen Harry look this happy in a long time: his hair and skin looked healthier, his eyes were regaining their shine and he flashed a smile more often than not. However, being dubbed the most responsible and leader of the band, one would assume that he would be told about any new developments in their relationship. He knew that Louis had planned to tell him about his feelings that night and judging by the way they were now, he had gone through with it.

He noticed out of the corner of his eye that a fan had said something funny to Harry and Louis had laughed along, grabbing Harry’s wrist affectionately through his laughter. 

“You know that if you two are official, you’ll have to tell Eleanor.” The words were blunt enough to stop the tanned boy from laughing and quiet enough for only him to hear. “I’m just saying, you’re seeing her tomorrow, you’re going to have to either tell her or un-tell Harry.”

Louis greased off the younger, yet older in terms of maturity, lad and turned his attention back to the fans and signing autographs. He had been avoiding the idea of telling his girlfriend that she had been right and he had found feelings for Harry, because of two main reasons. The first was that it meant the end of his romantic relationship with Eleanor. He knew that they would continue to be friends no matter what, because she was just that kind of girl. He also did still love her despite his unfaithful affections. 

The second reason was that if he broke up with Eleanor, his relationship with Harry would take a step forward and the idea of this still scared him. He was still getting used to the concept of having feelings for Harry, let alone having feelings for someone of the same sex, let alone being with Harry in a committed relationship. Despite that he was definitely falling for the curly-haired lad, the idea of a relationship just felt unnatural to him.

Louis felt dizzy whenever he even tried to talk himself through the situation.

Liam was right though and Louis really had left it to the absolute last minute. If he had actually had the balls to skype Eleanor maybe a week ago, then they could have gotten the awkwardness over and done with by the time that Louis arrived in London and they could have just enjoyed their time together as friends. 

Harry could tell that Lou was stressing out over something, as he always does. He shot an accusatory look at Liam who just shrugged, so Harry squeezed Louis’ thigh under the table and asked him what was wrong. Louis looked up at Harry and his blue eyes were darting left, right and centre.

“Breathe,” Harry requested, “Whatever it is, it’s okay.” He smiled wide at the boy who was half trying to smile back and half trying to take deep breaths. Louis placed his hand over Harry’s on his leg and said,

“I’m telling Eleanor tonight.”

  


Two Days Earlier

  


Harry rolled over in the morning and flung his arms out to stretch, eyes still closed in a light sleep. He wasn’t expecting his right arm to hit a warm body, so when it did, his eyes flung open and he gasped in shock. The boy he hit wasn’t too happy about it either. Louis tossed and turned and threw his arms around in annoyance until he thought he’d made his point. He then cracked open one eye and grinned cheekily at the other boy. 

“Morning Haz,” Louis’ voice was low and cracked from sleep. Harry didn’t respond: he just smiled in silence as Louis closed his eyes again. 

Everything had finally started falling in to place again. They always used to sleep in the same bed and they always used to spend every waking moment with each other. Now, their relationship was more or less back to where it started, which was more than what they had before and more than Harry ever could have dreamed of having again. 

The past two weeks had almost flown by in a blur, but they were also two weeks that would never be forgotten. 

  


+++

  


The day had been long with the first signing and the band had also done two radio interviews, so they were all relieved to get back to the hotel. 

With Louis and Harry back to themselves again and refusing to join in the room rotations process, Liam, Zayn and Niall all shared a three-person suite. It was rather large actually: very spacious, but also very luxurious. Everything was so over the top and coloured in creams, gold and black. The bedrooms were also ginormous and so the three boys sat on Liam’s king sized bed, surrounded by all the food they had ordered through room service. 

“How’s Danielle by the way? Seeing her soon?” Niall asked between mouthfuls. The second he’d mentioned her though, he internally kicked himself for talking about her so much. Some time soon Liam was going to catch on and honestly the fact that he had developed feelings for his best friend’s girl wasn’t going to go down all too well. 

Liam hadn’t taken any notice yet though and simply replied, “I think I’m going to ask her out tomorrow, officially.” 

Liam smiled proudly and Zayn laughed and leant over to give him a supportive pat on the back, while Niall forced himself to swallow whatever words or emotions where threatening to spill out and congratulate his best friend. 

“Thanks guys. I’m so excited. I know it sounds lame, but she’s just absolutely incredible,” the Wolverhampton lad couldn’t keep the grin off his face, as he stood up and continued, “Actually, I’m going to go call her now to organise a date.” 

With a wink and cheer from Zayn, Liam turned around and left the room. The boys could just hear Liam greet his to-be-girlfriend on the phone before they jumped into their own conversation. 

“So what’s going on with you then?” Zayn directed at Niall, who had dived into the next plate of food. 

“What d’you mean?” The blonde boy answered with a mouthful of chicken and the two laughed momentarily before Zayn put a serious face back on and calmed them both down. 

“You looked like a deer in headlights just then. I’ve noticed you’re acting a little weird at the moment. Actually, everybody’s been acting off lately and I’m the only one noticing,” Zayn chuckled to himself, because it was true. Liam was going crazy over Danielle, Harry was going crazy over Lou, Lou was going crazy over working everything out and Niall was just not himself. 

“Telling you this, cause I trust you. So don’t say a word to anyone.” Zayn nodded at the Irish boy’s request. Niall checked over his shoulder to make sure that Liam was definitely out of the room then lowered his voice to a mumble and his eyes to his hands and spoke. 

“I really like Danielle. She’s so beautiful and we get along so well. I just…” Niall didn’t even look up to see the look on Zayn’s face, but to be honest, nothing really surprised Zayn anymore. He’d been told so many ‘shockers’ in the past couple of months that the idea of a surprise had lost a bit of its effect. “I don’t know what to do about it. I would never do anything like that to Liam, you know? And it sucks because of course this happens to me. The one girl that is actually, you know, willing to tolerate me… and she’s dating me best mate. 

It just sucks and because it’s such an impossible situation it kind of makes me want it more? Does that make sense?” Zayn nodded in response, “And I can see you judging me.” 

“No, no, I’m not judging you.” Zayn tried to work out what to say, “But you have to get rid of those feelings, because she’s Liam’s girlfriend.” 

“Yeah I know. I’m just so lonely.” Niall still hadn’t lifted his head since his rant and he spoke through threatening tears now. The feeling had been eating at him for years now. All of the boys in the band had had or have girlfriends or partners and Niall hadn’t had one since the band formed: he was the loner of the group. 

“Well you shouldn’t be, because we love you. But I get what you mean man, I haven’t had a girlfriend in forever. I keep getting girls numbers and then never calling them. I don’t want some random girl that flirts with me to be my girlfriend, I want someone that I can actually care about and who cares about me. It’s hard to find though and I’m starting to go a little mad.” 

Niall was shocked at Zayn’s confession and to be fair, so was Zayn. He was also a bit puffed from his own little spiel and both sat in silence for a few minutes before the blonde boy took the initiative to crawl across the bed to curl into the other boy’s chest. 

There was nothing going on between them like what was with Louis and Harry and there never would be, but they were fantastic friends and they both felt like shit at that moment in time. The best thing about being in One Direction was the closeness of all the boys. 

Zayn and Niall stayed cuddled up, eating food and reassuring each other with words, squeezes and kisses to the top of the other’s head until Liam came back in and demanded his bed back with a smile. 

Meanwhile, in the room next door, Louis and Harry were discussing what to do about telling Eleanor. 

Louis knew that it would mean the end of their relationship and Harry knew that it would mean a step forward in his relationship with Louis. Obviously, Harry had been dreaming of this happening for quite a while now and he wasn’t too afraid about Louis telling her, but Louis was almost beside himself. His worse fear was that Eleanor would react badly, but the younger boy convinced him that he was just being stupid and that El was not like at all. 

After two hours of bickering, confessions and embraces, the two settled on telling her the next day and seeing where their own relationship went from there. 

  


+++

  


When he walked into the lobby, his beautiful and ecstatic girlfriend greeted him. She was wearing light, distressed jeans with a white button up shirt, gold rimmed Ray Bans and black brogues: Louis always thought, nay knew, that she looked gorgeous and she always dressed well. The two embraced for a few minutes and exchanged kisses and none of it felt wrong and for a second Louis forgot completely about what he was going to tell her. But he was quickly reminded when Harry, who had come downstairs to get something from reception, walked past in only his pyjama pants. The boy had no shame. 

Louis reminded himself to focus and took Eleanor’s hand and led her out for their day after they exchanged brief hellos with Harry. 

The day that they spent together was nothing special, because nothing with them ever needed to be. They shopped for new clothes for both of them and exchanged stories of what the other had missed while they were apart. However, in retrospect, shopping in broad daylight in the middle of London probably wasn’t the best idea when you’re an internationally recognised pop star, so they were constantly stopped by both polite fans asking for pictures and crazed girls (and the occasional boy) asking for Louis’ hand in marriage through tears. It wasn’t until they sat down in a restaurant for lunch that they actually got to stop and talk properly. 

Conversation throughout most of the meal focused on things other than their relationship and it wasn’t until Eleanor told Louis to “spill” that he actually started talking. 

“It’s weird, because today doesn’t even feel like we’re on a break,” Louis chuckled nervously. 

“We don’t have to be, I told you. It’s up to you.” Eleanor flashed a petite smile and placed her hand on Louis’ supportively: subtly egging him on to tell the truth. 

“I like Harry.” 

Louis wasn’t going to try and beat around the bush, because if he’d tried to explain it or give a descriptive anecdote of the events that lead to that fact, he would have stuttered and blushed and looked like an idiot. He also knew that he could be blunt with Eleanor, because she would understand. She always understood. 

“I know you do honey.” Eleanor didn’t even break her smile as she soothingly traced her fingers along the back of Louis’ hand. “I’m happy for the two of you. And like I told you before the tour, I’m still your best friend and you’re never getting rid of me completely.” 

Louis burst out laughing, because Eleanor made a faux evil laugh and tapped her fingertips together like a calculating evil mastermind. She also quickly changed the subject, because there was nothing more to say and there was no reason to linger and make anything awkward. 

The two of them would be fine and Louis honestly felt relieved. At the same time, he also felt his stomach flip with nerves. He had just broken up with his girlfriend for Harry and things were sure to get pretty serious now, though part of him thought that that was pretty exciting at the same time. 

Eleanor couldn’t help but feel anything but happy. Not only was that the world’s easiest breakup, but also she watched the way that Lou’s eyes lit up when he was obviously thinking about Harry and she knew that things were going to work out for everybody. Especially Harry. She knew that things had been tough for him. 

Eleanor was truly delighted that they had worked out a situation where all three of them could happy at the same time. 

  


+++

  


Harry had kept quiet the week after Louis and Eleanor broke up. He didn’t want to move too fast for Louis and so, instead of just being normal, he shut in on himself: afraid of losing the older boy. It was a stupid thought, because he’d just broken up with his long-term girlfriend, whom he loved, for him, but nothing scared Harry more. He also figured that it was a test for Lou: to see if he’d step up to the plate. 

The older boy had been confused at the other’s silence at first and kept his distance for a few days. He was also incredibly scared. He had done it: he had broken up with Eleanor for his male best friend. 

After almost a week and a half of near silence though, Louis decided that Harry wasn’t going to make any kind of advance and that it was all up to him. He wanted to break through the awkwardness and just get back to them, so he planned a surprise for Harry on their day off. 

He kicked Harry out of their hotel room for most of the afternoon and told him to go out with the other boys (all of whom had been clued in on the plan). 

Louis spent the afternoon cooking and cleaning and getting ready. He wasn’t worried at all that Harry wasn’t given any preparation time, because that boy always dressed nicely and since he was seemingly happier at the moment, he was taking more care in his appearance. He was also naturally attractive and didn’t require much effort to make himself look presentable. 

Louis’ mobile buzzed on the counter. He read the text from Liam that told him the boys were pulling up to the hotel and would be upstairs in five minutes. Lou put on the finishing touches, plugged his iPod into his speakers and tugged impatiently at his hair in front of the mirror before leaning against the counter of the kitchen and taking a few shaky breaths. 

He knew that Harry would love everything: that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that he was surprising the boy he’d confessed his feelings too with a first date and he still wasn’t sure of anything. 

He hated being uncertain. He wanted to be certain for Harry, because he was definitely certain for Louis. Harry deserved that stability and he knew that the boy had been a bit reclusive in the past two weeks, afraid of opening up in case he over-stepped some sort of line. Louis wanted to move a little closer to Harry’s level and this was the best way to show him that he was prepared to do that. 

He could hear footsteps outside the door now and Harry shouted out a “see you later” to the other boys. Liam shouted back “Have fun!” and so Harry walked in with a confused look, which quickly turned to completely baffled when he walked into the hotel that he had left messy, which was now immaculate and candlelit. 

It was only 5.30pm, but Louis didn’t really mind that the times were unconventionally early for a dinner date. He just flashed a greeting smile at the curly haired boy, who sat his keys on the bench and walked cautiously over to hug the older lad. It was a long embrace and so they started conversation while still connected. 

“Hello, what’s all this?” Harry asked into the top of Louis’ head. 

Louis took in another shaky breath and lowered his voice to speak into Harry’s ear. His curls tickled Louis’ nose, while he answered, “It’s our first date,” as meaningfully as he could. 

Harry froze in his arms and pulled away to look Lou in the face and see if he was serious… and he was. 

“Really?” Harry was still hesitant, but was quite obviously over the moon. When Louis confirmed that yes, they really were having their first date and that he’d cooked dinner, Harry’s face lit up like a kid being told that Christmas was now happening once a month. 

He just stood there grinning like an idiot for a minute or so and continuously pulling Lou back in for hugs, which just made him laugh before he realised that Lou was dressed up in a light blue button up shirt and cream coloured jeans and black dress shoes and his hair had been perfectly fluffed and _urgh_ , he looked stunning. 

Harry stopped laughing, because his heart had sunk into his stomach and he reached his thumb and forefinger to pinch a piece of Louis’ hair to make sure he was real. Louis shied away from the touch though, complaining that he’d spent ages on making his “mop” look perfect. 

“I want to dress up too. I’ll be back in a minute,” but the older boy just tightened his grip around his waist and explained that he looked amazing and didn’t need to change. 

“Please Lou, I really want to,” he pleaded, but was again disallowed. He huffed and pulled away, walking over to sit at the beautifully decorated table. It wasn’t over the top, but there was a small vase of three small flowers to the side and two sets of the beautiful hotel’s cutlery and plates were laid out perfectly. Harry blushed outrageously at the effort Louis had put in. 

“Don’t get mad. I know you love it.” Louis teased as he handed the other lad a beer, which resulted in a questioning look. “Wine would have tipped this whole night right into corny. So we’re having beers to level it out.” Louis explained, answering Harry’s non-verbal question. 

“So, what’s for dinner?” Harry beamed as Louis returned to the kitchenette. 

“Nothing special.” He grinned back as he pulled the meal out of the oven. “Pass me your plate, would you?” he asked holding out his hand. 

“I don’t think I’m meant to do anything. It’s a surprise date for _me_.” Harry sat arms folded with a faux look of disgust. Louis laughed and rounded the counter to grab Harry’s plate for him. 

After a few minutes of Harry telling Louis what they got up to today and how, now that he thought about it, the boys were acting pretty conspicuous all day. The stories continued until Louis placed two plates full of roast chicken, vegetables and mashed potato in front of both of them and took a seat opposite his date after closing the blinds to darken the room. There was no way that Harry was going to finish that much food, but he smiled and thanked Louis anyway. 

For the first three minutes they sat in awkward silence, eating their food and smiling briefly when they caught the other looking at them. More often than not, it was Harry caught staring at Lou and he couldn’t really care less. He still couldn’t believe how everything had worked out: two months ago he never would have even bothered to wish for this night. The silence was only broken when Harry inhaled a little too sharply to go unnoticed. 

“What’s wrong?” Louis had grabbed Harry’s hand immediately over the table. 

“It’s just this song.” Harry tried looking into Louis’ eyes as he spoke, but he couldn’t do it, dropping his eyes to his half finished food. 

The two sat back in silence, but this time they were listening to the song that was playing. Louis could tell that Harry this song meant something to Harry. 

“It’s my song,” Harry explained only slightly louder than a whisper, but Louis had figured just as much. He also knew that the in first part of the song, Harry was relating his feelings for the other boy to the lyrics. 

  


_And I’d give up forever to touch you,_  
 _Cause I know that you feel me somehow._  
 _You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be_  
 _And I don’t want to go home right now.  
_

  


_And all I can taste is the moment_  
 _And all I can breathe is your life_  
 _Cause sooner or later it’s over._  
 _I just don’t want to miss you tonight.  
_

Louis squeezed Harry’s hand supportively, because that’s all he could manage at that moment, while the two of them listened to the lyrics. 

  


_And I don’t want the world to see me,_   
_Cause I don’t think that they’d understand._   


The elder boy couldn’t decide whether Harry felt these lyrics were about his sexuality or his self harm tendencies or whether it was just about his general insecurities, but he did know that he wasn’t meant to know that the lyrics that hit home hardest for Harry were _“When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive.”_ Louis heard him hold his breath for those lyrics and when the song final came to a finish Louis was the first to speak and lift the tense feeling that now filled the room. 

“Thank you.” He barely whispered and slid his thumb over the back of Harry’s hand. Harry knew that he had just shown Lou a side of him that nobody really ever got to see. Music was a big deal for Harry, naturally, and so the songs that he related to were just as personal as a diary entry. He just smiled in response, unable to conjure up anything else. 

“Who did that cover? It’s really nice.” Louis wasn’t entirely sure who it was, but he promised to put it on to Harry’s iPod later. 

This led into a conversation about new music that they had found, artists that they liked and disliked. They also talked about artists they would love to support or have support them, which led into conversations about the tour that finished tomorrow and also the tour that they were about to embark on. It was to be their second time doing a large tour Australia, but the first time they had gone to any Asian or Pacific countries and they were genuinely excited. 

The rest of the night, with the emotions out of the way from the earlier moment, was really enjoyable and easy. Although the set up was a date and they both knew they were on a date, they just felt like they were hanging out with their best friend… which they were. 

The only difference between friends having dinner and them having dinner though was that they kept exchanging slight touches until they found themselves with fingers entwined across the table without even remembering how they got into that position. When they noticed, they simply smiled at the other and squeezed each other’s fingers. 

It was starting to get late and they had literally been talking for hours, hands still together, when Louis stood up notified Harry that he was taking him home. 

Harry stood up confused, but went along with it anyway. He burst out into laughter though when Louis stopped at the door to Harry’s room and said, with a cheeky grin, “Here we are.” 

“It’s overused, but I’ll say it anyway. I had a nice time tonight, Lou.” Harry boldly said this while staring right into Louis’ beautiful blue eyes. Louis took this opportunity to be serious again. 

“Same. I know that you feel more towards me that I do for you, but I wanted tonight to show you that I’m prepared to start closing that gap.” Neither boy blinked throughout Lou’s explanation. Louis took his and Harry’s still-joined hands and placed them on Harry’s hips. Still unblinking with blue eyes staring at green, Harry took the initiative to lean down and press his lips against Louis’. 

Everything was suddenly a stir of dizziness and emotions. 

Oh my god, Harry was kissing Louis. 

Oh my god, Louis was kissing a guy. 

But once they broke out of the initial shock, their lips moved delicately together. The kiss was soft and not at all needy and Louis released Harry’s hands that moved immediately to his hips and lifted one of his hands to cup Harry’s cheek. 

It was the most phenomenally breath-taking moment for both of them. Harry felt close to tears with the overflowing emotions that he finally had Louis: he really did have him. At the same time, Louis couldn’t help but fall a little bit harder for the younger boy. At last he could actually imagine Harry in a fully non-platonic way. He had known that he had romantic feelings towards the other lad, but never known if he could turn those emotions into actions: he could now though. 

The kiss broke apart softly with a quiet pop and when Louis opened his eyes he saw Harry’s glistening back at him. He leant up to press another quick peck to Harry’s pink lips. 

Harry opened the doorknob behind him without breaking gaze and quietly, but strongly, said “Goodnight Lou” and went into his bedroom. He closed his door on a still unmoving Louis and fell back on to his bed with what may or may not have been a giggle. 

  
  


  


When Harry Styles rolled awake the morning after his first date with Louis Tomlinson, he still wore the smile that he’d fallen asleep with. He excitedly scrambled out of bed, but was met with slight disappointment when he skipped into an empty lounge. He checked the rooms and called out the older boy’s name, but he was alone in the hotel room. 

Harry didn’t find this unusual and after the initial let down, he found that the solitariness was nice. He was able to eat his breakfast without having to hide the huge grin that refused to leave his face and he was able to look around the room in amazement and reminisce everything that had happened the previous night. He was also happy that everything had happened and it was most definitely not a dream: the dishes still unwashed in the sink, the small vase of flowers sitting on the table and the burnt-out candles placed all around the room were proof. 

After placing his bowl on top of the mountain of dishes, Harry got dressed, tousled his curls until they sat satisfactorily and then closed the hotel room’s door behind him. 

He walked down the hallway with his head held high, his jacket slung over his arm and his phone in his hand. However, when he switched his jacket to the other arm and revealed several cuts, all in different stages of healing, his stride and his posture faltered slightly. As he frowned and put his jacket on to cover the lines, he realised that being happy with Louis wasn’t making him want to cut any less. The whole damn thing was becoming a routine; it was becoming second nature: normal. He couldn’t go more than a day or two without wanting and needing to do it and it wasn’t just in his head. Harry felt like he could be the happiest person in the world, but after a few days he would get that familiar tingling in his wrist that begged him to harm himself again. He would do it even if he didn’t need it: he was addicted. 

Harry slowed down halfway down the hallway, cocking his head to the side at himself. His lips pursed together and he longed to talk to somebody about this, but nobody would understand and more to the point: nobody would even try to understand. If he told anybody at all, even one of the boys, even Louis, they would scream and shout and shun him without listening to why he does it or why he needs it. 

By the time Harry reached Liam, Niall and Zayn’s room, he was far from the happy mood he had left his own room in. When he entered the room all three boys were seated around the television, eating their breakfast on the couches. 

Harry sauntered over and took a seat next to Niall on the couch, smiling slightly at the blonde and exchanging good mornings. 

The curly-haired boy couldn’t help but notice that Niall’s face was unnaturally close to his, eyes wide and a shit-eating grin plastered on to his face. 

“What?” Harry asked, now noticing that all three boys wore exactly the same expression. 

“Where’s Lou?” Liam inquired with eyebrows wiggling suggestively, trying to hint to the younger boy that they were all dying for a run down of how their date went last night. Harry got the hint, but found himself wondering where Louis actually was. 

“I … don’t know,” Harry started to grow concerned. In One Direction, there was never a time where one of the five boys was alone and in an unknown place: they always told each other or at least someone from security. “I thought he would be here?” 

Zayn just shrugged, but when he saw the panic flash across Harry’s face he suggested that Louis may have told somebody else and that they should go find out. 

“Come with me?” Harry begged of Zayn, standing up from the couch. The raven-haired boy followed Harry out of the hotel room and called Louis’ mobile several times, getting no answer every time. And with each time that Zayn hung up unsuccessfully, Harry’s worry and heart rate increased. 

“Try Paul,” Harry suggested, but was more than displeased when Paul told Zayn that he thought Louis was with them. 

The two boys had walked around the hotel for about ten minutes, calling and calling and calling everybody, visiting their crew and band’s rooms to see if the missing boy was there, but nobody had any idea where he was. Harry was running everywhere now, unable to stay calm in any way, shape or form. He impatiently slammed his finger against the lift button repeatedly until the light flashed and the doors opened. Zayn had gone quiet, deciding that any kind of reassuring words were just going to piss the frantic, younger boy off. 

“Excuse me!” Harry was yelling to the receptionist before he had even stepped out of the lift. As he ran across the lobby to the desk, he continued, “Have you seen a boy with brown… Louis Tomlinson?” He was about to describe the boy until he realised that the receptionist would know exactly who Louis was and what he looked like. 

“No, I haven’t sorry. Is there someone I can call for you?” The receptionist was a woman, probably in her early twenties, and she replied with a worried tone through her polite, cheerful voice. Harry didn’t even respond, pulling at his hair and groaning in frustration. Zayn shot the woman an apologetic smile and he raced off after Harry who had starting running out of the hotel. 

_Thank god we’re famous_ , Harry thought as he stepped out onto the road and saw a handful of fans sitting on edge of the stairs. 

“Hey!” He ran over, standing in front of the girls who looked up at him in shock. “Did Louis come out here? We can’t find him.” 

The girls sat momentarily in silence, still stunned by the fact that Harry fucking Styles was talking to them, but they snapped out of it with huge smiles. One of the girls who was sitting in a One Direction shirt with suspenders, her brown hair pulled into a ponytail, pointed down the street and smiled sweetly at her idol, “It’s okay Harry. We saw him go that way… He did seem weird though.” 

“Thank you so much. I’ll be back.” Harry smiled wide at the group of girls whose eyes had started to fill with tears. “Zayn stay here,” he ordered and felt hope fill his whole body as he set off in the direction the girl had pointed. 

He tried to walk and find some sort of calm, but all he could do was run: he could calm down and walk when he found his missing friend. He continually called Louis’ mobile, but got much of the same. It wasn’t until he’d run up and down the street for about five minutes that he realised he had no idea where Louis was; just that this was the direction that he had headed off in. He stopped on the corner of the street and looked around for somewhere that the older boy would go. He saw a convenience store, a couple of random, cheap clothing stores and a small park… the park. 

Harry ran across the road and into the tiny patch of green and serenity that was juxtaposed with such a bustling city. There were no more than maybe one hundred metres to the other side of the park and only a few trees: it was more of a green walkway between blocks than a park. In the middle of the walkway, under a tree and against the wall of the neighbouring building, there was a black iron park bench with a brown haired boy sitting on it. 

Harry breathed a sigh of relief and slowed to a walk as he approached the bench. Much to his bemusement though, Louis didn’t look up as Harry sat next to him. Instead, he continued to stare into space and muttered, 

“How’d you find me?” 

Harry laughed, telling Louis that he didn’t actually know. Louis only half smiled though, keeping his hands folded in his lap. The curly haired boy knotted his eyebrows together in concern, asking the older boy what was wrong. 

“I don’t know. I woke up this morning and I just… freaked out. I got up, got dressed and left,” Louis explained, finally lifting his gaze to meet Harry’s. “I’m sorry.” 

“You know you scared the hell out of all of us. I woke up and I was happy and then I realised you were gone… I was so scared, Lou. Zayn and I were running around everywhere. I can’t believe you wouldn’t just tell someone you were going. Did you not even bring your phone?“ Harry’s tone was harsher than his words, because he didn’t want to be rude; he just wanted Louis to understand how horrified he was. Louis shook his head and whispered something about leaving his phone on his bed. He just sat silently, unable to respond to Harry’s disapproval. “Wait, did you freak out because of…” 

“Yeah.” Lough laughed out breathily, knowing that Harry was referring to their kiss the night before. 

“Oh” was all that Harry could come up with. He felt his heart and his stomach sink in disappointment: everything that he’d thought was happening with Louis, wasn’t. After a brief silence, Harry added nervously, “Was it a mistake?” 

The tanned boy’s head shot up and his face was a cross between amusement and horror as he noticed that the younger boy’s green eyes were glistening with tears and his teeth were crushing his lower lip. 

“Oh my god, no!” Louis’ tone was more disbelief than anything. Harry was always so hard on himself and always jumping to the worst conclusions. He placed his hand delicately on the unsure boy’s thigh and promised, “It was the fact that I’d kissed another guy. It had nothing to do with you, I promise. I’m happy that it happened.” 

Harry’s features softened as he started to believe Louis’ explanation. “Really?” 

Louis nodded and squeezed Harry’s leg reassuringly. A cold gust of wind whistled between the buildings into the small park and both boys parted to pull up their collars. “You okay to go back?” 

Harry just laughed, “You’re the one that left. I’m happy to go back if you are.” 

Louis stood up, extending his gloved hand to the younger boy who took it and didn’t let go as they began to walk. Conversation was phatic and general on the way back, until they reached the final corner before the hotel. Louis stopped still, stopping the other boy with him. His face expressed seriousness as he carefully asked, 

“Do you want to tell the boys?” 

“About what?” 

“About us. That we’re dating.” Harry’s heart skipped a beat at Louis’ words and he wanted to scream and laugh and roll around in an excited ball on the ground, but he simply smiled cheekily and replied, “If that’s what we are… then yes.” 

The two beamed at each other while Harry put one hand delicately around Louis neck and leant down to quickly peck his lips to his. The kiss was fast and they broke apart immediately, because they were in public and didn’t need anybody seeing them together intimately. 

No more words were exchanged as the two walked around the corner to greet the fans at the hotel’s entrance as if nothing at all romantic had just happened. 

  


+++

  


The large, empty venue was soon to hold thousands of screaming people and play host to the final show of the Europe leg of One Direction’s world tour, but for now it only contained five boys standing on stage and a few crew spotted through the seats. 

The rehearsal was almost pointless, because the boys knew the show back to front and like the back of their hand by now and because it was the last show, their management team weren’t overly concerned that they boys were slacking off a bit. They were halfway through practising Another World, when Louis had cracked out an inappropriate joke and they had all fallen to the floor in a fit of laughter. They remained seated on the ground even after the laughs had subsided to small giggles. That’s when Liam noticed that although they seemed and were the same group of boys and they were still just as good friends, the dynamics had changed somewhat. 

Louis and Harry had managed to still fall next to each other, despite having tears of hysterics rolling down their grin-spread cheeks. Them becoming intimate had definitely, without a doubt had an effect on the way that they all acted around each other. It wasn’t that anybody was being excluded from Louis and Harry’s relationship, or that the two had distanced themselves or than any of them was disapproving: there was just a different feeling in the air around the group knowing that two of them were… dating? 

Liam really had no clue what they were in terms of how official they were. He knew that they had feelings for one another, had had a candlelit dinner date, which resulted in a kiss (Harry had uncontrollably and excitedly blabbed to him) and were definitely not backing off. The two boys had also stood hand in hand in front of the other three and tried to explain to them what they were. Emphasis on tried. 

They just stood, blushing profusely, constantly glancing sideways at the other for confirmation and said that they were “dating, but not really together”, to which Harry had added a bold, “just yet.” Niall, Liam and Zayn had, of course, been completely okay with it and had promised to not let anybody outside of the group know. It had all changed the group though; it wasn’t even explainable: it was just… different. 

Liam looked over at Niall and Zayn who, despite laughing, didn’t really seem to be enjoying themselves as much as they used to. When the group first got together, Niall had been the happy-go-lucky, always-cracking-a-joke, bouncing ball of blonde and Zayn had been the “bad boy” that was always keen to be mischievous, sneak around and just have fun. They weren’t completely those people anymore though and they had also become closer to one another: like they shared something secret and personal. 

Liam felt an initial and unjustified feeling of rejection, although he knew that it was ridiculous. He had Danielle in the same way that Louis had Harry and the way that Niall and Zayn had confided in each other. The group was just dealing with a few dynamic changes in different ways. 

“You there, Li?” Louis’ voice broke Liam’s train of thought. With a smile, Liam realised that he’d zoned out a bit and stood up, clapping his hands together, nodding in response and telling the boys that they should probably finish the song. 

  


+++

  


The last show of the tour had been amazing. The boys had honestly never had so much fun on stage before: there were beach balls everywhere, they read all the signs the fans had brought, they had laughed and joked together on stage all night and none of them missed the fact that Harry was wearing the biggest grin they’d seen on him in a long time. It was a great thing to see and it lifted all of them up: got them all really excited. 

So, sitting at the dimly lit, modern restaurant an hour and a half after the show, they were still bouncing off the walls. Dinner this time was just the five of them and Danielle, although security still sat at a table across the room. The conversations of the night revolved almost entirely around reminiscing the best moments of the European tour they had just completed, but also how excited they were to go back to their own homes. Louis and Harry were especially excited to go home, but also nervous due to the fact that they still shared a home on top of the fact that they were now dating. It meant that they were not even a week into their relationship and were already, technically moved in together. Both boys went oddly quiet whenever going home was brought up. 

Liam continued to silently observe everybody’s behaviour and connections throughout the night and was a little confused as to why Niall had not sat himself next to Liam. He had always thought of Niall as the one he was closest with, but now the blonde boy had attached himself to Zayn at the other end of the table and the two sat deep in conversation, casting constant glances at Liam and Danielle. He decided then and there that he would talk to Niall before they all went home tonight and find out what he’d done wrong. 

Harry interrupted Liam’s internal dialogue when they were halfway through their decadent main courses and started to ask him question upon question about his relationship with Danielle. You see Harry now had a keen interest in anything to do with relationships. When Harry asked the happy couple what was next, Liam cleared his throat and sat up straight, answering Harry’s question to everybody rather than just him. 

“Can I have everyone’s attention for a second,” everybody on the table slowly finished their conversations and turned to face the Wolverhampton lad who had his hand placed delicately and supportively around Danielle’s waist, “I just wanted to let you all know that Dani and I are… well, official now.” 

Liam and Danielle couldn’t keep the smiles off their faces as the boys cheered and smiled and showered the two with congratulations. Even the guys from security and management overheard the commotion and congratulated the couple. Niall took that opportunity to smile apologetically at Zayn, stand up and walk hastily to the bathrooms, but it didn’t go unnoticed by Liam who was quick to excuse himself for a moment to follow the Irish boy. 

With Danielle and Liam’s announcement, Harry and Louis’ recently discovered relationship and the end of a fantastic tour: it should have been a night for celebration and a good night. And it was… until two things happened simultaneously. 

  
  


When Liam walked into the men’s room he expected to see Niall walking over to the urinal and have a chat with him, but instead he walked into a heavy-breathing boy, looking in the mirror with his hands clenched in his hair. He groaned and rested his hands at his side when he saw Liam walk in after him, but still couldn’t slow down his frustrated breathing. 

“Ni… what the hell happened?” Liam walked over placing his hands on the other boy’s shoulders and trying to turn him to sit on the sink, but he was shrugged off. 

“No, this is stupid. I’m goin’ back to the…” 

“Niall!” Liam cut him off and grabbed his arm causing the Irish lad to jump, as he tried to race off and avoid the whole situation. “What is wrong? Please.” 

“I’m just… I don’t want to… Can’t you just drop it, Liam?” Niall’s voice got progressively angrier as he tried to talk his way out of the confrontation, but Liam wasn’t going to let up. Niall sighed in defeat and dropped his eyes to the floor before he spoke quietly. “I’m sorry. I want to talk to you about this, because you would know what to do, but I can’t tell you.” 

Liam’s furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and begged Niall to just tell him and promised him that he wouldn’t be angry or upset or whatever emotion this secret was going to supposably evoke from him. 

“This is so stupid… Okay, uh, you know that Danielle’s amazing obviously. Seein’ you two together just realise I’m missing out on a lot and I also kinda have feelings for her. But it’s nothing big.” There was only a few seconds silence of information processing before Liam snapped back into best friend mode. 

“Aw Ni, I’m sure you’ll work it out. I’m not angry either, I trust you.” Liam smiled and brushed his fingers over the back of Niall’s hand supportively. “Just don’t push me away okay? I understand that it would be difficult, but I’m still your friend.” 

“I don’t deserve you or her or anything.” Niall groaned silently to himself. Liam couldn’t believe what he’d just heard come out of his best friend’s mouth. 

“Excuse me?” Liam took a step back, downright insulted that Niall would think something so immature and low of himself. 

“Never mind. I didn’t say anything. Can’t we just go back?” Niall’s eyes were watering and his voice was pleading. Liam couldn’t say no, but made a mental note to talk to Zayn about this and find out whatever the hell was going on. 

Niall and Liam awkward sat back at the table, Niall’s cheeks still bright red with embarrassment. He gave Zayn a shake of his head, telling him that they would talk about it after dinner. Danielle seemed to get the message without asking and decided she would ask Liam about it later and just focus on calming him down. 

Across the table, the only two that didn’t respond to the other boys’ return were Harry and Louis. That’s because both of them knew that they were either going to have a fight and/or a very emotional night when they got home and it wasn’t how they wanted they wanted to start their relationship off. 

While the other two were in the bathroom, Harry and Louis had been silently eating their desert and listening to Zayn tell a great story about a girl he’d seen in the crowd that night when Harry had nonchalantly rolled up his sleeves. He didn’t think anything of it: only that he was having a great time and that the small gas heaters placed all around the room were making him quite warm. 

Louis, however, wasn’t as unconcerned as Harry was when he saw him push his sleeves up and reveal a collection of scars and fresh, unhealed wounds lining his left wrist. Louis also didn’t want to make a fuss in front of everybody, but he decided that enough was enough and that Harry needed to know that he knew. Louis subtly dropped his hand back into his lap, then slid across to hold Harry’s hand under the table, which caused Harry to smile. Though, that grin was quick to fade, as Louis’ fingers travelled up out of his palm and danced lightly over the scars that were there and the unhealed slices that still stung. 

Harry had never felt so distant in his life before as he had a complete out-of-body experience. His stomach dropped completely and he hung is head: caught red handed. His thoughts ran at a thousand miles an hour wondering how long Louis had known; how he was going to explain this; was he going to lose Louis now, after everything? 

Tears pricked at Harry’s eyes as he turned his head to see a very unhappy Louis. The older boy squeezed his thumb across one of the bandaged cuts; causing Harry to wince and draw a sharp breath, before dropping his hand back into his lap with a frown and refusing to look at the distraught, younger lad. 

Neither of them spoke another word for the rest of the night, although after Liam and Niall returned to the table and Harry and Louis weren’t talking, the night was pretty much done for anyway. They stayed only for another half hour before saying their final goodbyes and wishing each other a lovely break and sending well wishes to one another’s family members and friends. The group dispersed just as Liam had predicted earlier in rehearsal: Harry and Louis were suspiciously quick to leave, followed by Zayn and Niall who walked off to go out drinking together, which left Liam and Danielle to return to Liam’s apartment for the first time as a couple. 

  


+++

  


Harry walked as fast as he could to get up the stairs and into his room before Louis could stop him and talk to him, but it just wasn’t his night for luck. 

“Oh, no you don’t.” Louis called out sternly, causing Harry to stop halfway up the stairs. As he turned back around to face the older boy at the foot of the staircase he was reminded of the last time they stood in these spots, both equally angry and hurt, but not at all together in any way, shape or form. Things had changed so much, but Harry wasn’t sure that he liked this time on the stairs any better. “We’re talking about this, Harry.” 

Harry shook his head violently, his curls bouncing and swaying everywhere, saying that there was nothing to discuss as he walked up into his room and sat on his bed. He didn’t bother to close the door though, because whether he liked it or not, Louis was coming upstairs and would just open it and come in anyway. 

The Doncaster lad walked into Harry’s bedroom to see a head of hair buried into curled up legs and could hear the younger boy crying. He had never seen Harry look so vulnerable and he felt all of his anger disappear into thin air as he took a seat behind him on the bed, wrapping his arms and legs around the sniffling boy and nuzzling his nose into the back of his neck. 

He wanted to be angry, because he was. How dare Harry do something as dangerous and reckless as that. How dare he risk making Louis lose him. How dare he not be happy when everything between them was nothing but amazing and new and perfect, but he didn’t want to upset Harry anymore: he simply couldn’t. 

“Harry? I’m not mad, really. I’m just worried. I noticed a few months ago, last time we fought actually, but I thought you would… I don’t know… get over it. I thought you were happy now though.” Louis’ voice was soft, trailing away to almost a whisper and full of hurt. “I thought I was making you happier.” 

Harry felt like the world’s biggest disappointment and completely broke down, sobbing loudly into his knees. Louis just soothed him and let him cry it out, spinning himself around so that Harry was sitting on his lap and crying into his shoulder. The older boy traced calming patterns on Harry’s back and through his curls, giving him as much physical reassurance as he could. When Harry finally spoke, his voice was weak and tired and his words were constantly cut off by the whimpers and hiccups his sobbing had caused him. 

“I am happy – I’m sorry. There’s just – this feeling all the – time. It’s horrible, Lou. I can’t even explain it. This just – gets rid of it.” By the time he’d finished he was sobbing again: his usually green eyes were puffy, red and stained with tears and his whole body felt beyond worn out: it was indescribable. He tried to bury his face back into Lou’s chest, but Louis captured his face in his hands and swiped away his tears with his thumbs. 

“Let me take that feeling away.” Louis didn’t so much as blink as he spoke mere centimetres away from Harry’s face. “Please, just stop. You have to stop.” 

Harry smiled sheepishly, his tired eyes not really moving at all, “I’ll try. Thank you.” Harry took a deep breath, “I love you.” 

It wasn’t the first time Louis had heard it, but it was the first time Harry had said it since they were dating. The older boy was nowhere near ready enough to say it back though. 

“I know,” Harry wasn’t disappointed that Louis didn’t say it back: he didn’t expect him too. He also didn’t expect Louis to stand up and strip down to his underwear. “And I’m sleeping here tonight.” Louis opened his arms for Harry to crawl back into as Harry kicked off his shoes and pants. He usual slept naked, but decided it wasn’t overly appropriate tonight. He swung his legs back on to the bed and looked wearily at the clock, which told him it was one a.m. 

As he snuggled back into Lou’s arms, Louis pressed his lips to the top of his head. “I’m sorry if I hurt you… at the restaurant. That was dumb, I shouldn’t have grabbed your arm like that.” 

“It’s okay.” Harry managed a smile and figured that he probably deserved the pain at dinner. And he would never admit it, but the pain took away a bit of the urge to cut again, replaced it. He liked the pain. 

Louis placed a finger and thumb under Harry’s chin and lifted his lips up to meet his own. The kiss was a little bit more intimate than they were used to, because they were both in their underwear in bed, but as Louis placed his fingers on Harry’s waist and Harry dragged his hands up and down the other boy’s chest, they didn’t even really think about it. 

Louis broke the kiss with a pop before it went too far, but Harry just moved his lips down to Louis’ neck, biting and sucking the skin there. 

“Harry…” Louis cautioned, as he felt that both of them were starting to get hard and he could feel the skin on his neck bruising and swelling and the hands that were raking his chest were getting needier and needier. “Harry. Not tonight.” 

Louis didn’t even really know what he was saying no to, but he also knew that whatever it was, was quite a big deal and not something that should be done just because Harry was emotional and in need of comfort. 

Harry broke away from Louis body, muttered an apology and rolled over on to his other side. Louis chuckled at the curly-haired boy’s reaction to the rejection and snaked his arm around his waist and curled up behind him. 

“Goodnight Haz. We’ll talk about everything tomorrow, okay?” 

Harry’s cheeks burned bright red, which Louis luckily couldn’t see. He said goodnight to Louis and nodded in response, pushing back into the slight bulge in his best friend’s pants and smiling to himself before dozing off to sleep. 

  
  


Harry Styles stirred awake in his own bed for the first time in weeks and was quite content. The boy that he was dating had his chest pressed to his back, his arm slung around his waist and was breathing softly on the back of his neck. Harry rolled over and slowly opened his eyes, nudging the sleeping boy with his nose. 

Louis groaned as he woke up and Harry cupped his cheek, brushing Louis’ fringe out of his eyes with his thumb. The tanned boy’s face flashed briefly with confusion before he breathed out and sunk back into the mattress. As he did so, Harry pushed closer to kiss him. 

“Good morning,” Harry mumbled between kisses. Their lips moved slowly and carefully, still waking up. Louis’ arm still hung lazily across Harry’s waist. 

Harry pushed even further into the ever-heating kiss and rolled so that he was straddling the other boy. Louis’ hands instinctively moved from Harry’s hips to his chest, but when there was nothing to grab on to there he disguised his mistake by sliding his hands to lock behind Harry’s neck and pull him closer. 

Louis still thought it was weird that he was dating a guy, but he didn’t really think about it when he was kissing Harry. He was just kissing Harry and it didn’t need to be overcomplicated, because that’s when his thoughts got messy and he started doubting himself. If he just let himself go, he found himself seeing Harry as Harry rather than Harry as a guy: it didn’t really matter. 

However, as Harry ran his tongue along the other’s bottom lip for entrance and ground his hips down on Louis’ crotch, it suddenly mattered. Both boys felt the younger boy’s dick twitch at the contact and groaned into one another’s mouth. Harry took this as permission and began to rhythmically rub himself up against Louis. Hair was pulled, necks were bitten and tongues battled and in less than a minute, both boys were painfully hard and breathing heavily. 

Louis tried desperately to not think about what he was doing and just go with it, but when Harry’s fingers trailed slowly down his stomach then danced seductively around the waistline of his boxers, he broke the kiss. And when Harry’s fingers moved gently to stroke the thin fabric covering Louis’ erection, Louis had to say stop. 

“Too far?” Harry was breathless and his hands and body had frozen over Louis who now squirmed uncomfortably beneath him. 

“Yeah, just for now.” Louis looked up at Harry’s very alert eyes, “Sorry.” Harry held his gaze with a cheeky smile and forcefully ground down on Louis’ groin one more time, making the older, apologetic boy moan loudly. 

Harry just laughed and rolled off of his body and the bed, making his way to the bathroom. 

“Wait, why are you going?” Harry, now standing at the door of his en suite, just smiled at Louis’ question. 

“Why do you think?” The curly haired boy pointed to the obvious bulge in his boxers and closed the door behind him. Louis was left sitting on Harry’s bed in just his underwear with a painfully hard dick and a very confused facial expression. 

  


+++

  


The first three or four days of being back at home was pretty relaxed for Harry and Louis and they woke up the same way they did the first day, except now Harry knew when enough was enough for Louis. 

Louis was struggling with the idea of a sexual relationship with his male best friend and had even spent the day subtly looking up how-tos on his phone. Harry had started leaving the house on a regular basis for god knows what reason, which gave the older boy more time to find out more about his imminent sexual experiences. To say the least, he was horrified. The more he read and the more he watched, the more anxious he got. So much so that he started shying away from Harry’s touches and when Louis slunk away one too many times, Harry asked him what he’d done wrong. 

The older boy felt instantly awful as he watched the other’s face drop in rejection. 

“You didn’t do anything. I’m just nervous,” Louis explained. 

“About what?” Harry sunk into the couch next to Louis with his legs folded and wide, questioning eyes. 

Louis’ cheeks filled with blood and he shyly explained that he’d watched some “things” and was scared to do “things.” Harry had sat silently for a few seconds, trying to decipher Louis’ stuttered implication and when he worked out that Louis was actually talking about sex, he burst out into uncontrollable fits of laughter. 

The tanned boy whose whole body was now flushed red with embarrassment, just hid his head in his hands and begged and punched the other boy to stop laughing at him. 

“Oh my god,” Harry managed through breaks in his hysteria, “I’m laughing because you looked it up, not because you’re nervous.” 

Louis softened slightly at the explanation: at least Harry wasn’t patronising his anxiety. Harry eventually calmed down enough to place his hands on Louis’ knees and reassure him, 

“We’ll have sex when you’re ready baby. No pressure okay?” The second Louis nodded in understanding, Harry squeezed Louis’ knees and the older boy looked down to where they were touching. 

“What is that?” Louis’ tone was suddenly serious and Harry quickly pulled his hands back to his own body. 

“What’s what?” A tense and serious feeling in the air almost instantly replaced the enjoyable, playful one that was there less that five seconds beforehand. The smiles had completely vanished from both boys’ faces. 

“You know exactly what I’m talking about!” Louis voice gradually rose in volume and anger as he spoke, “I told you to fucking stop.” 

Harry did that thing where he curls in on himself, like he’d been hit and his voice went to barely a whisper, his eyes lost all light and he sheltered his left arm as if his life depended on it. 

“When we talked about it the other day, I wanted to stop for you so I’ve been seeing a psychologist,” Well that explained the random, daily absences. "Please Lou. I'm trying, but you have to support me. It's not going to be easy, it's going to be hard and I'm going to slip up. My psychologist says it could take months!” 

Louis was still angry and didn’t want to say anything to upset Harry further: he definitely didn’t understand how this whole thing worked and why Harry did it, so anything he said would likely be ignorant and offensive. 

“I’m sorry for yelling.” Louis apologised as he stood up from the couch, “I’m going to my bed.” 

Harry sat staring at nothing on the couch, eyes filled with tears as Louis walked off to his bedroom. “You can join me when you want,” Louis added over his shoulder before opening his door. 

The younger boy burst into tears the second the door was closed, but was relieved at the same time that he was still offered a spot next to Louis in bed. After half and hour of sobbing into pillows, hands and knees, Harry wiped his face and headed to Louis’ bedroom. 

As he walked in, he saw Louis asleep, only his bottom half covered by the white sheets and his tanned stomach contrasted against the light fabric. He sat down on the bed, removing everything but his boxers, picking up Louis’ sleeping arms and wrapping them around himself. The curly-haired boy rolled around to face the other boy and cuddle up into his bare chest when he woke up him up accidentally. 

“Sorry, go back to sleep.” Harry whispered against the skin of Louis’ neck. 

“I’m sorry. I just don’t understand, but I do support you.” Louis managed to mumble as he kissed the top of Harry’s head and grabbed the boy’s hand and as they both dozed off to sleep, entwined with each other, Louis brushed his thumb soothingly over Harry’s ruined wrist. 

  
  


When Harry walked into the kitchen the next morning, Louis was very jittery and paying way to much attention to the design his sisters had painted on his coffee mug when they had all done an arts and crafts class years ago. His head shot up when he heard the other boy walk into the room and he took a few seconds to calm himself down and breathe. Harry eyed him carefully and suspiciously, but waited silently for him to compose himself. 

“Can we talk about us?” Louis finally managed to spit out. 

Every single organ inside of Harry’s body sunk at Louis’ words and he couldn’t speak. Was Louis finished with their relationship? All Harry could think was that he couldn’t possibly deal with that, but he still started to prepare himself for the worse. He pulled out a chair and slowly lowered himself to be seated where he fiddled nervously with his boxer shorts. He could feel the tears well up in his eyes and he refused to look up at the boy across the table from him. 

“Hey,” Louis noticed Harry’s reaction, “It’s nothing bad, I promise. Sorry that wasn’t the best thing to say.” 

“Oh,” Harry suddenly felt very stupid, so he just looked at Louis and waved his hand to ask Louis to proceed. 

“Uhm, well. I know that the relationship is moving at my pace, which is actually really annoying,” Louis started, causing Harry to make a confused laughing sound, “Because it means that I have to be the one to say and do everything.” Harry began to interrupt Louis and apologise, but Louis shushed him. “It’s okay. Anyway, I’ve been thinking heaps about the way we … are around each other and how we act and kiss and live together and everything, and uhm.” 

Louis cleared his throat and chuckled nervously. Harry was briefly shocked by the adorably stunning smile that flashed across Louis’ face as he pulled at his sleep-ruffled hair. He looked down at the ground, long eyelashes splaying across his cheeks and continued to make nonsensical uhms and ers. 

“Well, I don’t even know how to say this without sounding like an idiot,” Louis chuckled nervously again and then looked up straight into Harry’s green eyes. “We pretty much are already.” 

“Are what?” Harry still sat confused, but now very, very intrigued. 

“Boyfriends.” 

Harry’s eyes couldn’t have flown open faster or wider and he wore a shit-eating grin and asked Louis teasingly, “Are you trying to ask me to be your boyfriend?” 

Louis just nodded and Harry squealed… He actually squealed. Louis couldn’t believe it and released all of the tension and nerves in his body by bursting out into laughter. 

Harry’s chair went flying back as he flung his body across the (thankfully cleared) table and swung his legs around so he was sitting on the edge of the table in front of Louis. 

“Yes.” Harry answered Louis unspoken offer then kissed him excitedly, pulling back with a laugh. Louis wrapped his arms around Harry’s waist and stood up so that he wasn’t awkwardly seated before him and softly kissed his boyfriend. 

Louis Tomlinson has a boyfriend. _Wow,_ he thought to himself. That was one thing he’d never have guessed he would say or think. It was weird, but he was silently content that he was making Harry happy, which was all he really cared about. 

And Harry was definitely happy: he couldn’t keep the smile off his face and the sparkle out of his emerald eyes or keep the small chuckles of disbelief that kept escaping his lips. 

Harry leant back to look at his gorgeous boyfriend whose hands were still holding his waist and he asked, 

“So, who are we telling first?” 

  


+++

  


Five days ago, Louis and Harry had started their official relationship. Three days ago, they had called Harry’s mother and told her they were visiting. It had all seemed so easy and exciting in the comfort of their home and only each other’s company, but sitting in the car outside Harry’s childhood home with their bags packed for an overnight stay and some pretty big news, both boys felt quite sick. 

Harry had eaten maybe twice since they organised the visit and Louis was just as bad. They dazedly took their bags from the boot of the car and made their way up the driveway to the front door. 

Harry looked frantically at his boyfriend, who smiled reassuringly and took his hand in his own. Louis used his free hand to knock on the door, but before his fist touched the wood, the door was thrown open by a very excited Anne. 

The boys pulled apart their connected hands just in time as Harry’s mother pulled them both down into a huge hug. That was one thing that Harry loved about his mother was that she loved Louis and all the other boys as if they were her own. Any and all of his band mates were always welcome at their home and never treated any differently to the way that Harry was. 

Above that, Anne already knew that her son was in love with the boy standing next to him. In fact, she had been more shocked that the other boy didn’t return the feelings, rather than her son being gay. As messed up as the situation was, it was quite calming to know that she at least approved of Harry’s boyfriend. 

Anne dragged the boys straight into the kitchen, telling them to just leave their bags sitting behind the couch. As Anne raced off around the corner, Louis nodded silently at Harry, but he didn’t seem to need it anymore. Harry had been smiling and seemed to have stopped worrying about everything the second he saw his mother, so now Louis was left as the nervous one. Harry quickly pecked his petrified boyfriend on the lips, took his hand and led him to the kitchen. 

Anne wasn’t surprised or confused when Harry walked into the room with his best friend’s hand in his: they did it all the time. She had also walked in on them cuddling, spooning, running their fingers through each other’s hair absentmindedly and sleeping in the same bed a thousand times before: there was nothing new here. 

The boys laughed as they walked in to the warm kitchen and saw cups of tea and cake already made for them and waiting on the bench. Harry took in a relaxing, deep breath as he took in his childhood home, his lovely, protective, thoughtful mother and his gorgeous boyfriend. 

Harry honestly wasn’t worried anymore, which is why when Anne asked how they were and Harry had announced that they had news, Louis went into shock. He sat up straighter, went completely silent and blushed a deep red. 

“Should I sit down or will I be okay?” Anne asked, still wearing a warm smile. 

“Sit down,” Louis said quickly at the same time that Harry said, “You’ll be okay.” Both boys laughed: Harry at what had happened, Louis nervously. 

“So it’s shared news?” 

“Yeah,” Louis nodded at Harry, obviously taking the wheel, “I don’t know how much you know already…” 

“She knows up until the start of the tour.” Harry clued in his worried boyfriend, but he was very impressed that Louis was taking charge and boldly telling his mother. 

“Oh, okay. Well,” Louis faced a very curious Anne, “You know then that Harry told me that he loves me and we had a bit of a fight. You probably don’t know that Eleanor and I went on a break because of it. She was convinced that I felt the same way for Harry.” Anne suddenly looked very worried, “It wasn’t a bad thing, and she was completely okay with it.” 

Louis realised that he was getting to the sticky end of the story and he turned to Harry with a horrified expression who just smiled, placed his hand on Louis’ thigh soothingly and continued for him. 

“It was really complicated for a while, but after a few weeks, Lou broke up with Eleanor… for me.” Anne’s smile grew wider and wider and she realised what was happening, “Then we had a date, which was amazing.” Harry squeezed Louis’ leg and beamed at him, fully aware that his mother was overflowing with excitement and support. “And then a few days ago, we had a bit of an argument, but when I woke up, he asked me to be his boyfriend.” 

“You said yes?” Anne was practically bursting at the seams. Louis worried that her smile was going to tear the skin on her cheeks and when they both nodded in response, she did burst: she squealed and ran around the island bench to embrace the boys. 

She pulled them back, saw them holding hands underneath the table and kissed both of them on the forehead. 

“I guess you came here to see if I approve, but of course I do. Oh boys, I’m so happy for you.” 

“You can’t tell people though, Mum.” Harry cautioned, “We still need to talk to the management team and Lou’s family and we can’t let it get out.” 

“Of course baby. I won’t tell anybody but Robin and your sister.” 

The three sat in the kitchen for another hour, telling Anne stories of the tour and what she had missed since they’d last come to visit, and then she shooed them off to go relax and do something else. 

Louis and Harry went upstairs to Harry’s childhood bedroom to watch a movie by themselves and the sat with their backs against the wall, under the blankets in Harry’s bed. Louis’ arm wrapped around Harry’s waist and a head of curls rested on his chest. 

The two were gently shaken out of their sleepy embrace a few hours later at dinnertime. They stretched out and stumbled dazedly down the stairs to a big home cooked meal. Harry’s older sister Gemma gave both boys a big hug and kiss on arrival. 

“Mum told us your news!” Gemma’s voice was filled with support and empty of judgement. 

“Did you want to tell them? I just couldn’t hold it in.” Anne explained apologetically. 

Robin gave the couple a hug as well and welcomed them home as they all sat down. 

  


+++

  


The weather was finally starting to warm up in England and so Harry and Louis drove from Holmes Chapel to Doncaster with their windows down. It wasn’t a very conspicuous car and whenever they stopped at service stations or at a red light, they were greeted with stares and gasps of recognition and sometimes tears and cameras. 

It was only a two-hour drive, which was a little bit less than the three-hour journey from London to Harry’s house. This trip was a lot more relaxed as well: they had told Harry’s family about them and everything had gone better than either boy could have possibly dreamed. 

With five hours to make the two-hour journey, the boys decided to take a slight detour and visit Zayn at his home in Bradford and spent two hours hanging out with him and having lunch with his family. 

By the time they pulled into the Tomlinson-household driveway, the sun was starting to set. Phoebe and Daisy came running out of the house the second their car pulled up: they had obviously been sitting and watching at the window for their well-missed, older brother. 

Harry always loved watching Louis with his sisters: he was the perfect older brother. He was always protective, always willing to listen, always willing to be jumped on and pampered and having dolls and makeup forced upon him. He also loved them: he loved all of his family and it was something that Harry loved about him. 

Jay came running out of the house after the twins, Lottie and Felicity only two steps behind. It was a massive reunion that Harry was also included in. Jay was in tears that her boys were finally home. Both Louis and Harry’s faces lit up at the fact Jay treasured them both so much, much like Anne did. 

Once all of the greetings and tears were over, and once they had all sat down for dinner and caught up, Louis and Harry excused themselves to Louis’ childhood room. 

“So, when are we going to tell them?” Harry pondered aloud as he sat himself down on Lou’s double bed. Considering Louis actually hadn’t been living in this room for a year or two now, it was pretty messy. Jay obviously didn’t want to lose the hominess of the room, as if Louis were still living there. There were posters and photos of musicians and footballers all over the room, Louis’ high school books still stacked under his desk and his signed graduation bear still perched up on top of a clutter-filled bookcase. 

The TV sitting on the drawers in the corned was surrounded by piles mile-high of DVDs of all of Louis’ favourite movies and there was a guitar in the corner, although he couldn’t really play much. 

Harry smiled to himself, realising how typically-Louis everything in the room was: there was not one thing out of personality and Harry had never felt more at home. 

“We could tell them tomorrow?” Lou sat himself down on the bed next to his boyfriend, looking around where he grew up with a similar train of thought to Harry’s. “Actually, that’s perfect. Want you all to myself for now.” 

Louis smirked and turned to kiss Harry gently on the lips. The younger boy sighed, wrapping his arms around the other’s waist. Keeping their lips connected and moving against one another’s and their hands and bodies touching, Harry leaned backwards and turned both of them so that his head was resting on the pillow and Louis’ body moulded into his above him. 

The kiss heated and Louis’ swiped his tongue along Harry’s plump lower lip. Harry grinded up against Louis making him moan quietly into the other boy’s mouth. All they could hear was their loud breathing, the sounds their lips were making and the soft groans, as Louis’ hips moved to slide along Harry’s and their eyes were closed, enjoying the moment. 

So, when Daisy came running in, slamming the door in the process, they didn’t have a chance in hell of ever hearing her coming. In the split second that she came into to Louis’ bedroom, the boys broke apart. 

Harry was wide eyed still breathing heavy and Louis had rolled of his boyfriend and muttered “Shit,” under his breath. 

Although they had expected Daisy to run around screaming and dobbing on them, she stood there, hands covering her mouth and giggling. 

“Dais, please don’t tell Mum,” Louis shuffled over to stand up and walk over to his sister. “Harry and I want to tell her, but Harry’s my boyfriend now.” 

The little girl, dressed entirely in pink, just giggled more and nodded her head. “Tell Mum now?” 

With a glance to Harry and a split second of silent communication, all three left the bedroom and headed to the lounge-room where everybody else was sat around the television. 

Telling the Tomlinson family the big news was quick and painless. Jay had embraced them both, reassuring them that she was okay with it, and then quickly ran off to call Anne so that she could “gush”. 

The rest of the night was spent watching the current series of X-Factor with Louis’ sisters all pilled on the couches and each other on the floor and by the time Louis and Harry got into bed, they were absolutely drained. 

They had told both of their families and Zayn (who had no doubt told the others) that they were together in the space of two days. Jay wasn’t overly keen on them sleeping in the same bed, due to the fact that there were “children in the house. Don’t get up to anything.” Harry had nodded and explained that nothing would happen, while Louis blushed violently. 

They were spending three more days in Doncaster before returning back to London for five more days of rest and relaxation before jet setting off to their big American tour, but as the two boys fell asleep with their arms wrapped around one another, they didn’t talk about anything that happened or was about to happen. Small kisses and touches were the only things exchanged as they silently drifted off.


	4. Chapter 4

  
Three Weeks Later

Harry lie in the back of the tour bus with his head resting on Louis’ lap, his eyes fluttering sleepily and his boyfriend’s free hand gliding repetitively through his curls. He watched as the absolute pitch black of the highway sped past them. 

It was a travel day and so the boys had spent it all relaxing and zoning off on the bus. Louis had his feet up on the couch and was very focused on a book he was reading, Niall sat opposite them watching a movie on his laptop and stuffing his face with chips and Liam and Zayn were sitting legs crossed on the ground playing some kind of card game that Harry had never seen before. He couldn’t work out the rules or how to win either: he assumed it was some weird game that they had come up with by themselves. 

The few quiet moments that the band got, there was an unspoken rule that they were all able to do whatever the wanted whether it included the others or not and most of them opted for private time. Harry was the only one that was literally doing nothing though. 

He opened his eyes slowly and stared up Louis. After a few seconds of intense staring, those blue eyes that had been scanning the page dropped to the face that was beaming up at him. 

“What?” Louis asked, smirking slightly and adjusting his reading glasses with his pointing finger. 

Harry tapped his own finger to his cheek thrice and grinned when Louis bent over to place a short, soft kiss on his lips instead before returning to his story with a wink. 

It was kind of crazy to think that a few months ago, Harry hadn’t even allowed himself to entertain the idea of getting the boy of his dreams, but now he was resting on his lap, receiving kisses on demand. 

The younger boy chuckled to himself, enjoying his inner monologue. He copped a few sideways glances from the others, but nobody asked him what was funny. 

It had gone from impossibly hard to way too easy in a matter of weeks. It had gone from letting Louis go and being crushed, to telling their families and management and being hugged and cheered. Okay, well maybe there wasn’t quite _cheering_ from the management staff. 

Telling their management had been oddly more stressful than telling their parents: they knew their families would support them, but this was business and their livelihoods and management could also very easily tell them that they were not permitted to continue the relationship, if they had so wished. 

Luckily, that was not the case. The strategy of telling Simon about them followed almost immediately by Liam explaining his situation with Danielle worked perfectly: it distracted from them a little bit. They had received congratulations from all the management staff, both the happy couple and Liam, and told that the only probation was that they were to keep it within the band and a selection of security and other staff that were probably going to find out anyway. 

They had been so horrified, but after relaxing in the bus for three weeks, plus being a handful of shows and signings and too many interviews into their huge American tour and everything behind them, it didn’t seem so bad after all. 

“It’s nice to be back on tour,” Harry noted silently and unanswered. 

+++

“I just want to go back home… to our bed and our house, without all the noise.” Harry noted apathetically and the other four boys nodded in agreement. 

“I don’t mind signings though, it shouldn’t be that bad,” Liam rebutted, “The noise can get a bit much though.” 

When they stepped into the shopping centre after being ushered in through the back door, the five boys rounded a corner and were faced by thousands… literally _thousands_ of faces and, as they had predicted, a lot of screaming. 

Liam took the first seat at the signing table, because he’d lost a bet. It meant that he had to deal with the initial emotions before the girls and boys would calm down and get to the others, but if Liam was honest, he didn’t mind at all. He didn’t love it all for the attention, he just wanted to give back as much as he could… if it meant being cried on, it meant being cried on. 

The boys then sat: Zayn, Niall, Louis and then lastly, Harry. 

As the fans started coming through, it was nothing but normal. Some of them screamed, some of them cried, some of them just wanted a hug and some of them wanted a lot more. In fact, one girl made quite an obvious pass at Louis and Harry squeezed his boyfriend’s leg under the table to warn him that he was watching. Louis had just smiled at the girl and winked at her as she left, but also took Harry’s hand and ran his thumb along his palm reassuringly. 

Louis couldn’t help but think that it was insanely cute that Harry was jealous of a teenaged fan, but he also couldn’t keep a hold of Harry’s hand and be conspicuous at the same time. Both boys brought their hands back up to the table. 

So far, nobody, not even the stylists or other boys had realised that Harry was wearing a few more bracelets on his left arm than he usually did. Louis had suggested it, because it was warmer in America and the boy wasn’t going to get away with wearing long sleeves everywhere. 

The older boy still worried about his boyfriend’s addiction. Yes, Harry had sat him down and explained to him that it is, in fact, an addiction, but he was “making progress”. It was a touchy subject for both and Louis had taken on the roll of just letting Harry go to his psychologist and not making a fuss about it all. So, to be honest, Louis had no clue how the boy was going, but he did know that Harry was a lot happier than he used to be and he didn’t seem to have any of those “empty moods” anymore, as far as Louis could tell. Although, on a whole, it was becoming less and less of an issue and both boys could feel Harry’s depression and other issues seeping out of their lives for good. 

As Louis removed himself from such trains of thought and just enjoyed the signing, he realised that they were all having a ball. Once they relaxed into the situation, they would all end up just talking to each other and joking around with the fans and wearing silly things that they were given. 

Being in an internationally famous boy band was oddly therapeutic. All of the boys seemed to forget whatever they upset or angry about and just enjoy the company of each other and the fans when they did things like this. 

For example, Niall had almost completely forgotten the fact that Liam let slip that he told Danielle about his feelings towards her. She had apparently called it sweet and cute and Niall had stormed out. He hadn’t entirely forgotten though, hence why he wasn’t sitting next to Liam and why he was only engaging with him as much as was required to maintain a friendly façade for the public. 

Zayn gave Niall a pat on the back whenever he saw the blonde’s face fall. He too, had also almost completely forgot that he was incredibly lonely, except for the fact that girls kept absolutely throwing themselves at him. It was crazy: he actually had a pile of pieces of paper with twitter accounts and phone numbers on them, all of them signed with a name and a kiss or a collection of x’s and o’s. None of it meant anything though: it was the same as the women at clubs and the girls waiting tables and on the streets. They were all acknowledgments of attraction from people he didn’t know about or care about; they weren’t affections from people that knew him well or wanted to. Zayn would trade all of the second and sideways glances, the flirting, busty girls and the piles of phone numbers for one girl that would actually mean something. Though, he was more doubtful than hopeful or sure. 

Liam had almost entirely forgotten the fact that he and his supposed best friend were currently having a mini-fight, although nothing with the Irish boy was mini. Niall was a closet drama queen and not many people knew it, but once his feelings were hurt, they were hurt for good. That’s how he maintained such a carefree image, because the second anybody hurt him, they were out. So if Liam was fighting with anybody else, it would have been over and done with by now. 

He hadn’t meant to tell him about what his girlfriend had said it or that he’d told her, it just happened. 

Harry, on the other hand, almost forgot to breathe. He don’t know where the idea had come from due to the fact that it was completely unprovoked, but before he could say boo, there was a hand resting on the inside of his thigh and the fingers tapped, moving closer and higher as they did so. Louis’ face, despite his actions, was completely unsuspecting: nobody else would have the slightest clue what was going on. 

It seemed to turn into some kind of game, because the older boy had to return his hand to the surface every single time that he had to sign something or one of the security guards walked past the back of the table. Every time he snuck his hand back under though, he got higher and higher up the almost trembling boy’s leg. 

Harry was having a hard time keeping focus, especially due to the fact that the front of his pants were getting tighter and tighter every time his boyfriend’s fingers returned. 

Green eyes searched frantically around the wide-open area they were in to see how many people were left and there were maybe only fifty fans left. He could hold himself back for that long and that long only. Harry tried desperately to maintain conversations with the fans without moaning, but when Louis’ thumb slid under the top of his pants, quick fingers popped open his belt and then slid under the very top of the elastic of his briefs, his painfully hard dick lurched and a small groan escaped his careful lips. It was easily disguised with a cough and a sip of water, but nothing could keep the smirk of Louis’ face as his fingers slid further down until the skin they touched got warmer and warmer. 

Harry forced his eyes shut and prayed that this would all be over soon and by some kind of miracle Louis took his hand back and the crowd clapped. The youngest boy jumped into realisation as he noticed the other boys standing up and leaving, quickly doing up his fly and blushing a violent red. 

Despite being the last to stand up, Harry was the first out of the door. 

  
  


It was a painfully long ride with legs crossed in embarrassment and Louis’ staring darkly at him from across the van, but when the boys arrived at the new hotel they would be staying at (after ditching the tour bus to stay in LA for a week and do promotions) Harry and Louis practically ran into their room. 

“You asshole,” Harry laughed. He turned around and shoved Louis back against the wall next to the door and pressed their lips together forcefully. Louis groaned and pulled the younger boy’s bottom lip into his mouth. 

Harry’s arms were placed on either side of Louis’ head and his body pinned him to the wall. Harry turned his head slightly and pushed as deep as he could into the kiss as Louis opened his mouth and Harry licked boldly across the roof of his mouth. Despite Harry being larger, Louis leant down to place his hands underneath Harry’s thighs and pick him up. The new position found both boys’ hardening groins pressing against each other and both moaned. Harry couldn’t even begin to formulate words to explain how turned on he was by Louis’ strength. Louis found his feet and walked briskly and blindly into the bedroom, throwing Harry back onto the bed with a thud. 

“Ow, Louis!” Harry rubbed the back of his head that had hit the wall behind and shoved his laptop off of the bed. The older boy just laughed and smiled apologetically. 

Then they were in the awkward position that they were so often finding themselves in recently: Louis stood at the foot of the bed: pupils blown, eyes hungry, lips swollen and body willing, and Harry stared up at him from the bed: pupils blown, eyes hungry, lips swollen and body willing. Usually, this was the part where Louis chuckled nervously and told Harry “not tonight” or “later”. 

Harry was surprised though when Louis waved his hand for Harry to move back on the bed before crawling on top of him. Louis hovered anxiously over Harry’s body and then leant down, pressing his lips to Harry’s neck. He kissed first, and then came a swipe of the tongue, a bite and then nibbling and sucking until the spot was covered in a dotted bruise. As he pulled away and looked Harry deliberately in the eyes, Louis rolled his whole body in a way that ground his hips almost gracefully on Harry’s. 

Louis watched as the other boy’s eyes hooded slightly and his mouth opened with a groan. Harry leant up and pulled Louis back into another kiss; the older boy continuing to roll his hips and rub their bodies against one another’s. 

Harry tugged at Louis’ shirt before Louis sat up and just pulled off his own shirt. Sitting in the upright position, Louis was literally sitting on the part of Harry that was oh-so sensitive at the time and the younger boy couldn’t help but shove his hips up to make more contact. Louis groaned, growled then pulled Harry’s shirt off and undid both their flies. Harry raised an eyebrow at his boyfriend and, after receiving a slight nod, slid out of his pants and Louis did the same. It was far from romantic or sexy, they were just trying to remove all clothing as efficiently as possible. 

In nothing but their underwear, the boys attached their lips again, bulges straining against the thin fabric of their briefs. 

Harry was the first one to make a bold move, slipping his hand swiftly underneath Louis’ underwear elastic and taking him in his hand. 

“You sure?” Harry asked breathlessly. When Louis groaned a strained “yes”, Harry quickly licked his own palm and returned to stroke Louis. The older boy’s warm body hovered just above his and his lips travelled down to attach to the younger’s neck again. Harry’s hand moved expertly and increasingly faster along Louis’ length, occasionally sliding his thumb over the head to spread the come that seeped out prematurely. 

Louis panted and moaned above the other boy and didn’t even think twice about returning the favour. Harry’s length felt hot and large in his hands: Harry was definitely bigger than him. Louis experienced a moment of panic before realising that it was no different to doing it to himself. He relaxed into the movement, Harry still bringing him closer and closer to climax and started jerking his hand. 

It was all over far too soon; Harry came first with a shudder, a twitch and a very hard bite on Louis’ lower lip and Louis followed a minute after, coming over Harry’s hand and chest and reaching climax surprisingly vocally and with a droned out “Harry”. 

After a few minutes of puffing and panting next to each other on the bed, facing the ceiling, Harry rolled onto his side and kissed Louis’ cheek delicately. 

“Thank you,” 

“You don’t have to thank me, Harry” Louis laughed, “I’m your boyfriend.” 

“I’m just thanking you for…” 

“What?” 

“I don’t know… caring about me?” Harry blushed violently, having not expected to come up with an explanation about his thanks. 

“Loving you?” 

Harry’s eyes shot open and he propped himself up on one elbow faster than he could catch his breath. Louis spoke out slowly, “I love you, Harry.” 

Louis was almost instantly attacked with a soft, delicate, thanking, appreciative and loving kiss. “Really?” 

“Really” Louis laughed and saw that Harry obviously needed a moment to possibly squeal and jump around judging by the shit-eating grin plastered on his face and the spots of water appearing in his eyes, “I’m going to clean up then order us dinner, you okay with pizza?” 

Harry only just managed a nod. Louis smirked again, pressing a parting kiss to his boyfriend’s lips before walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. 

+++

The few days after Louis had said those three little words had been intense. Both boys had been almost smothering each other non-stop, like they felt some kind of pressure to act more in love now that it had been verbalised. 

Not that Louis would ever wish it upon Harry or Harry on himself, but when Harry came down with a pretty bad ear infection and was quite unwell for a few days, it really gave them the calming period they needed. 

The first day he was unwell though, Louis had gone into nurse-mode and upped the smothering ten fold: he was by Harry’s side all day and night asking him if he wanted more drugs, another water, some food, chicken soup, anything from the shops, anything on the television, another blanket, a cool face washer… 

Some quiet time alone to wallow in his illness would have been nice, Harry had thought. 

When Harry woke up on the afternoon of his second day in the hotel room, he could hear muffled yelling coming from the room next door. He dazedly stood up from the bed, draping his blanket over his shoulders and shuffling his way towards the noise. He groaned at the pain through his head and his lack of balance as he moved. 

As he left his hotel room and stood in front of the door of the neighbouring room, he could hear that it was Niall and Liam having another row. They almost hadn’t stopped: it was the longest that they’d ever fought and the other boys were starting to get worried. Harry and Louis, at least, were very concerned, whereas Zayn seemed to have taken Niall’s side, which seemed to surprise everybody except Niall, but especially Liam. 

“You’re just being ridiculous Niall! GROW THE FUCK UP!” Harry’s eyes widened and he stumbled back as the door flew open and a very fired-up Liam came storming through it. 

“Oh,” he paused after slamming the door behind him, “Hey Haz. Sorry, did we wake you? How are you feeling?” 

“Erm, no, fine, it’s alright.” The younger boy cleared his dry throat, “Did you just… swear? At Niall?” 

“He’s being absolutely stupid and it’s frustrating. Sorry, I’ve gotta go and calm down somewhere.” Liam hugged Harry fleetingly with one arm before walking off, anger clearly still present in the pace and strength of his stride. 

Harry stood hesitantly at the door until he heard a smash and then a small sob. When he walked into the room, Niall was sitting on the couch with his head buried in his hands and tiny whimpers escaping his lips. There was a lamp smashed on the ground, but the odd part was that Zayn was perched on the stool at the island bench in the kitchen sitting wordlessly with an empty glass and a bottle of open bourbon. Harry realised that he’d just sat, drinking, and watching the whole thing without contributing or trying to stop it. 

Niall lifted his red eyes to the door when he heard Harry walk in. 

“Sorry about the mess,” his voice was hoarse and broken; he sniffled “and the noise.” 

“That’s okay, Ni, just came to see what’s going on.” 

The youngest boy didn’t even bother to ask if everything was okay, because he knew the answer. He simply shuffled over to sit on the couch and pull the blonde lad into an embrace. 

The second Harry’s arms wrapped around him, Niall turned to face him and curled up against his friend on the couch, bursting into tears again. There was nothing to be said in that moment: Niall was too distraught to talk, Harry didn’t want to say anything misinformed or intrude. So the two just sat in silence. 

It was after about two minutes that Harry heard the creak of a chair, the shuffle of feet and then the door opening and closing. Zayn had left the room. 

_What the hell is going on with everyone at the moment?_ , Harry thought. 

“Niall, what’s happened?” Harry’s voice was cautious. 

“Liam keeps yelling at me,” Niall’s response was barely a whimper and it was so uncommon to hear Niall like that. 

“Why?” 

“Because I’m lonely and I feel like shit and he’s just trying to be a good friend, but I just don’t want to hear it y’know? I just want him to be there, not try and fix it, because it’s not something he can fix,” Niall wiped his nose on his pulled-down sleeves, “He gets angry because he says I’m being dramatic or ‘fucking ridiculous’.” 

“He’s just trying to help though. And you shouldn’t be lonely: we love you and you’ll work everything out soon.” Harry ran his hand soothingly up and down Niall’s back. 

“How do you know?” Niall’s tone wasn’t bitter or aggressive, but hopeless. 

“Did you forget the fact that Lou rejected me when I told him I loved him and I spent months after that thinking I’d never have him… and the couple of years before that that I spent falling in love with him and then watching him fall in love with Eleanor?” Harry laughed in disbelief, “I know how you feel. You’ll be alright.” 

Niall nuzzled into Harry’s neck and tightened his grip around the younger, larger boy. “Thanks Haz.” 

“By the way,” Niall looked up inquisitively to listen to Harry, “Do you have any more paracetamol? I’m all out and I’m about to pass out.” 

“Oh yeah shit sorry, fuck. You’re sick as hell. Have a lie down in my room, it’s that room there.” Niall chuckled at his own forgetfulness, springing up, wiping his eyes and practically pushing Harry to the bed. 

Harry flopped onto the bed and could feel himself falling back asleep already. Niall returned with lightning speed, skidding around the corner in his socks: water and tablets in hand. 

“Take these.” Harry obliged while Niall pulled the curtains closed. “Now rest. I’ll let Lou know you’ve moved in here.” 

+++

When Louis walked into the dark hotel room, got changed into his boxers and lay on the bed, he couldn’t help but smile. He had gone out for a drink with Zayn after the show while the other three boys had returned to their rooms for an early night. 

Louis and Zayn had only been in the downstairs bar, but the second Zayn started getting really messy, the older, less responsible boy had been the one to say enough was enough and carry him up to his room. 

Louis lay propped up on one arm, as he watched the boy next to him sleep. The younger lad’s mouth was open slightly and his breath was coming in and going out deep and steady. He was rolled on to one side and his mop of curls hung over his face and covered his eyes. He had regained the colour in his cheeks and the warmth in his skin after being sick a few days earlier. 

He actually looked beautiful. Louis couldn’t believe how everything had happened. Sure, he’s always known that Harry was attractive and that he cared about him, but he’d obviously been holding something back subconsciously, because the second he had allowed himself feelings for the boy, he had almost immediately realised how beautiful he was and just how much he loved him. 

With a brush of his thumb, he moved some hair from Harry’s face and tucked it behind his ear. Louis leant gently forward, trying to not wake the boy, and pressed his lips softly to his cheek. 

However, Harry stirred awake from the slight contact: only enough to lift his arms out towards his boyfriend. Louis took the hint with a smirk and lifted up the blanket, sliding in next to Harry. 

As arms wrapped around him, Louis placed his hand gently on Harry’s waist only to realise that he was naked. 

Louis let out a small chuckle and Harry snuggled close to him. The naked boy had spent most of his life just that way and definitely most of his time in bed too. He had even slept naked in the same bed as Louis before, but not since they’d started dating. 

The older lad focused on keeping his breathing steady and his thoughts clean, as he felt the other boy up against him. Harry kissed Louis softly but teasingly on the lips and moved his hips ever so slightly to cause a slight amount of friction. 

Harry’s eyes were still closed in half-sleep, but he was aware that he was slowly grinding himself up against his boyfriend and that both boys were getting hard. 

“ _Harry_ ,” the moan that escaped Louis’ mouth half warning, half pleading. 

The younger boy opened his eyes to look at the half-lidded blues that were in front of him. 

Harry stopped moving and waited until Louis’ eyes were open and staring at him before he leant in an pressed his lips roughly to Louis’. 

It only took a few minutes of heavy breathing and soft grinding, a couple of lip bites and a few moans before both boys were rock-hard and Harry was sitting between Louis’ legs, pulling his boxers down and off. 

“You know I’ve never done this before, right?” Harry reminded the other boy just before he leant down to press his lips gently on the inside of Louis’ thighs. 

The older boy never replied, but just watched in awe and arousal while Harry’s plump lips wrapped delicately around his member. He wasn’t going to lie and say it was the best blowjob he’d ever had, but he was still more turned on that ever before. Harry’s tongue slid up and down the underside then swirled around the top before he lowered his head and took in as much of Louis as he could. He managed to only gag slightly and was pretty pleased with himself after that, taking it as a confidence boost and moving his mouth and tongue more expertly with time. 

The tanned boy felt the warmth pooling in his abdomen and lost more and more control over the moans and gasps escaping his mouth. He knitted his fingers through Harry’s thick curls as his moans became a continuous string of sound and he opened his eyes just in time to see green eyes staring right at him and lips all the way down to the base of his cock. 

Harry hummed a moan and Louis came with a scream of the other boy’s name and a curl of his fingers and toes. Harry swallowed, making little to no face at the unusual taste and quite content with his efforts and peppered Louis’ stomach and chest with kisses as he made his way back up to his lips. 

As worn out as Louis was, he could feel Harry’s erection against his stomach and rolled them over so that he was now on top. 

“You know I’ve never done this before, right?” Louis mimicked with a smirk, but he didn’t move. He lay on top of Harry, heavy breathing and wanting to please, but he was so petrified that he couldn’t move. 

Harry caught the look in his eye, “Are – are you okay?” 

“I don’t… Yes? No.” After a few seconds of silent thinking, Harry realised that Louis was just overly nervous. 

“Kiss me,” Harry ordered, quick-thinking. Louis obliged and the two boys kissed as Harry stroked himself. 

A few minutes later and the swapping of hands, Harry bucked up into Louis’ fist and bit down hard on his neck. Louis rolled off of his boyfriend and collapsed next to him, wrapping him in his arms under the soiled sheets. 

“’m sorry,” he muttered embarrassedly into the other boy’s neck. “Didn’t know what to do… how to. I want to. I just- Sorry.” 

“It’s okay babe. You don’t have to be nervous though,” Harry was falling asleep fast, but wanted to get out the words to reassure his boyfriend, “it’ll always be good, ‘cause ‘s you.” 

Louis chuckled and whispered an unanswered, ‘I love you’ just as Harry’s eyes fluttered closed. 

  
  


“What’s all this for?” Harry asked sleepily, as he walked into the hotel’s lounge to find the dining table covered in decadent room service breakfast. 

“Couldn’t really sleep last night.” Lou occupied one of the two chairs at the table. 

“That doesn’t explain why you ordered my weight’s worth in room service.” 

“Oh, uh yeah. I couldn’t sleep last night, because you fell asleep and I was tracing patterns on you and you’re still really boney and I don’t like it. I’m fattening you up, because I’m still worried about you.” Louis’ words came out fast and hyper-energetic, but the words carried an honest feeling. 

The curly haired boy just nodded, still standing in just his track pants and sat down at the table, picking fruits off of pancakes and slowly popping them into his mouth. 

He and Louis didn’t really talk about Harry’s issues anymore. It wasn’t that Harry was free of them or that Louis wasn’t concerned, but it just never came up, because their time was for them and being happy in each other’s presence. Now seemed to be the time that Louis was going to just check up on his boyfriend though. 

“Do you still talk to your psych?” the tanned boy enquired with a mouth full of French toast. 

“Yeah, once a week. I call her,” Harry didn’t want to look at Louis when he spoke about things like this. It was awkward. He couldn’t explain why: it just was. It was awkward and he was ashamed and he was scared. 

Harry’s psychologist had been very understanding of his high profile and heavy schedule and had suggested that they call for their sessions rather than Harry go downhill while he was away. 

“Have you… quit,” Louis’ hands did more talking that his mouth, looking like they were trying to find and force the right words, “… yet?” 

“It’s not that easy Lou,” a frown formed under a fringe of curls. 

“I know, I’m just checking, because it will happen one day. I do notice that you still…” Louis’ blue eyes were closed when he forced out the last sentence and he combed his hand through his hair, as if he was frustrated. 

“Sorry, yeah I’m getting better.” 

An awkward silence hung in the air after that. The only sounds that filled the room were the clinking of cutlery against plates and the chewing and swallowing of food and drink. The traffic outside was slightly audible and so was the very loud knocking on the door and a strong Irish accent saying, “Wake up ya lazy bastards. Let us in.” 

Harry laughed slightly and Lou stood up to answer the door. He kissed Harry on the check beforehand though, whispering that he’d be okay and that he was there for him. 

+++

“I’M SO FUCKIN’ EXCITED TO GO TO AUSTRALIA!” 

If he wasn’t restrained by a seatbelt, Niall would have been stomping around, jumping on the seats and maybe even hanging out the window screaming. 

“Should be good. I will miss America though, it’s been awesome.” Liam was always relatively calm and just liked to watch the others go crazy and smile. 

It was also good to see that even though it had only been a day or two, Liam wasn’t barking down Niall’s throat and reducing him to tears. It was almost like exploding in anger had made him realise how wrong he was. That was what the other boys thought, at least. 

Liam knew though, that he’d calmed down and stopped yelling, because he’d given up. There was no consoling the blonde boy and no way to convince him to overcome his insecurities; the only person who could do that was a girl, so Liam decided to sit and wait patiently for that girl to come along and make his best friend happy again. It wouldn’t take long. 

The car was racing towards LAX airport along the freeway, the windows were tinted and all of the boys were singing along to everything and anything. Harry and Louis sat hands linked in the back next to Niall, while Zayn slept in the front seat and Liam watched on happily from the very back next to Paul. 

It wasn’t an overly long drive though and the boys were surprised to find how quickly they were being ushered out of the car and into a sea of screaming people. 

The crowds were something that you never got used to. It was a new crowd every time too: it was new faces and new signs to read and new chants being called out. Presents were shoved at the boys, notes were thrown and names were screamed, but before a minute was up, security was pulling them through on the other side and they were standing behind Paul who handed the lady at the desk all of their passports. 

Her eyes lit up with recognition as she stood up and took them through a private door to sneak through the rest of the airport. 

From the moment Harry was given his ticket and realised that he and Niall were seated separately from the other three boys to the moment he sat on the plane, he was in a grumpy mood. 

Fourteen hours to sit in a chair and Louis was three rows behind him. It was too far away. 

Niall didn’t seem too concerned, but also picked up on Harry’s mood and kept himself amused with on-flight poker for the first forty-five minutes. 

Harry opened his eyes, took out his headphones and informed Niall that he was going to go see Louis. 

The bubbly Irish boy who, even on a flight, couldn’t contain any of his energy ever, spent the next ten minutes fiddling around for something to do. When he finally got a bag of peanuts and a can of coke from the hostess, he ripped open the peanuts eagerly and knocked his drink onto the floor. 

The good thing about first class was that you didn’t hit anybody when you moved around or dropped something. The bad thing about first class was that you have to actually get up when you knock your can of coke on to the ground and it rolls to the next person. 

As Niall returned to his seat, drink in hand, he glanced to the person on his right. The girl was smiling softly: not towards him, but more out of amusement. 

“You’re Niall, right?” The girl took off her headphones and spoke with a strong Australian accent. 

  
  


“Okay, I need to know…” Liam started, “What’s got you happy all of a sudden?” 

From the second they got off the aeroplane, all the way through the crowds, the whole car ride, through the next set of crowds and into the rooms, Niall kept smiling randomly and seemingly unprovoked and it was starting to freak Liam out a little bit. 

Niall grabbed his jacket and pulled a piece of paper out, showing Zayn and Liam the ten digits and the scrawl of “- Clare” that was making him so giddy. 

“I knew it!” Liam pulled Niall into a hug, “If you’d just’ve believed me that this would happen we could have saved a lot of fights.” 

“Sorry about that Li, missed ya.” Liam nodded in recognition of his best friend’s apology and with just that, the fights were over. It was all he’d ever wanted out of it all anyway: for Niall to be happy. 

“We’ve got the day off… drink to celebrate?” Zayn suggested. 

“I’ll go get Lou and Haz,” Liam was walking towards the door. “Leave ‘em Li… They’re probably making up for lost time if you know what I mean,” the blonde boy cackled, as Liam’s face turned in disgust. “Oh c’mon, I’m sure they’ve-” 

“OKAY!” Zayn interrupted, saving the boy from suggesting anything that would permanently scar his perception of two of his best mates. “I really need that drink now. You in Niall?” 

Niall nodded as Zayn threw him an unfamiliar beer from the fridge. It was called Victoria Bitter and it was… well, bitter. The two boys worked their way through the minibar while Liam joined in the banter soberly, as they all stood out on the balcony overlooking the harbour. 

+++

“I think she’s lovely: really genuine.” Louis remarks as his fingers curl around the hotel door handle and push. As he steps into the suite, Harry trails with his hand securely in Louis’ other. 

The dinner had been really subtle and elegant, which seemed to be the last two words one would use to describe Niall’s newest female interest. 

Clare, the Australian girl who Niall had met on their flight to Australia, was a skinny brunette with a heartbreaking smile who absolutely bubbled over with laughter and excitement at anything at all really and also matched Niall’s eating habits (which was really quite impressive). She was sincere and comfortable though: she was the kind of girl that made everybody else smile just by being happy herself. 

Louis and Harry had shared a cab with Liam on the way back to the hotel and all of them had agreed that she was pretty much the female equivalent of Niall. Louis pointed out that whether they continue romantically or not, that they would definitely be quite good friends. 

The most important part of the night though, was the fact that nothing could have taken the smile off of Niall’s face. He had only known the girl for a week at most, but her hand stayed clasped in his on his lap the whole night. 

“Yeah, I trust her with him,” Harry flopped himself onto the couch as he made one last observation, his hair falling across his face. 

The older boy smiled gently, falling more elegantly onto the sofa next to his boyfriend. Harry instinctively curled into his Louis’ side despite being noticeably, physically larger. 

“I hmpvnt car fur oo week,” the curly haired boy’s words were muffled by Louis’ cardigan sleeve. 

“You what?” Louis chuckled lightly, as Harry pulled his head back to look up at the other lad. His long fingers brushed his curls back to behind his ear. 

“I said, that I uhm haven’t… y’know… for two weeks now,” Harry seemed to shrink in size while he spoke, but came back out of his shell when Louis’ eyebrows softened and he placed a soft kiss on Harry’s lips. 

“Proud of you,” were the last words spoken that night before Louis stood up to put a movie on and the two lads fell asleep, bodies intertwined on the oversized couch. 

  
  


“Big night?” Louis clapped Zayn over the shoulder when he took in the appearance of the clearly hung-over lad. 

“Piss off, Lou.” 

Louis shot a hurt look towards Harry, because Zayn’s words carried no joking tone with them. He watched the raven-haired boy stomp off and sit on the couch in the hotel’s reception with arms folded and sunglasses probably not moving from their position on his nose for the rest of the day. 

It wasn’t like Zayn to be grumpy enough to say words with malice at all, or if he did, then not apologize, but Harry and Louis suspected he was just ridiculously, incredibly hung-over. 

“What’s wrong with Zayn?” Niall didn’t have to look at the boy for three seconds to work out that something was off. 

“He’s just hung-over I think,” Harry responded, “Was he out late with you last night?” 

“Clare and I left the bar at about 1am. He was with us all night, but he was bein’ a little weird,” the blonde boy ran his hand through his hair and added that Zayn had still been drinking when they left. 

There wasn’t really much time to discuss what was possibly, if anything, wrong with Zayn due to the fact that they were shipped off to rehearsals for the rest of the day and didn’t return until late that night. 

While all the boys returned to their rooms, Zayn stayed downstairs in the hotel and got white-girl wasted before Paul got a phone call at 3am saying “please come bring your boy back to his room.” 

Liam was called in by Paul to talk to Zayn, but he didn’t really talk: he just sat with his hands clasped and his eyes not focusing on anything in particular, like he was off in his own head. 

This pattern lasted for a solid week before anybody got a step closer to working out what was happening with the usually content lad. 

That was broken when Zayn knocked very quietly on Harry’s hotel room at 11pm one night when the other three had gone to catch a late night film. 

Harry stood up slowly from the couch and skidded along the polished floor towards the door in his socks. He opened the door to an image he had been seeing all week: bloodshot eyes circled by bags and shades of purple, heavy stubble and messy hair. 

“I don’t want to get drunk again,” Zayn’s apathetic words were barely a whisper. 

“Oh god, alright, come in. Sit on the couch…” Harry motioned into the room and stood aside to let the other boy in. “You smell like you’ve already started drinking. Do you want a water?” 

“Yes please,” was barely even audible. 

Harry carried the glass of water over to the balcony where Zayn had obviously decided they were going to have a chat. It was mild outside: a pleasant night. 

All of the Australians had been questioning their sanity when the five boys had taken to the beach on a twenty-five degree day, or walked around in t-shirts when it was twenty. The truth was, that this wasn’t cold weather for them. Australia’s winter was like their spring, especially in Queensland where they were at the time. 

The view from the hotel was beautiful. They were right on the beach and there was a striking contrast between the serenity of the calm waves and the lights and buzz of a busy city at night. The two boys stood in silence and admired that contrast for several minutes, until Zayn finally dropped his shoulders and sighed. 

“What’s going on, Zayn?” Harry turned his head to grab a chair from behind him and sat himself in front of Zayn. “We’re all worried about you.” 

“I know, I’m sorry.” Zayn remained standing and not looking at Harry: just staring off across the safety bars and past the water into nothingness. 

Another moment of silence passed until Zayn, once again, seemed to break down some kind of internal barrier or win an internal fight and surrender the truth. 

“How did you deal with it all before Louis? Like, when he said no to you?” 

Harry had never told any of the other boys about what he had done and still sometimes does to himself, because he knew that they would be heartbroken, but maybe a little scare would help Zayn find his head again. 

Deep breath, “I cut myself.” 

“Excuse me?” Zayn turned to face Harry for the first time, eyes as wide as anything and a facial expression that looked like he was either going to be sick or he was waiting for Harry to slap his leg and say “Kidding!”… but that didn’t happen. 

“If you even think about trying it, I’ll kill you in your sleep.” Harry pointed his finger right in Zayn’s horrified face. 

“You’re joking right? Harry? Please tell me you’re joking.” Zayn had crouched down in front of Harry now and was almost pleading as if Harry was holding a blade to his wrist at that very point in time. Zayn’s previously tired, quiet voice had fast become frantic and broken. 

Harry rolled up his sleeve and angled his wrist towards the light so that Zayn could see the collection of neat scars, some more recent than others, that littered Harry’s skin. 

“I didn’t realise you were this upset about it all. I’m so sorry we never realised.” Zayn’s voice was still slightly panicked. 

“It’s okay, Zayn.” The curly haired boy pulled his sleeve back down and clasped his hands awkwardly in his lap. 

“That’s heavy shit man, you should’ve told us. We would have helped you.” 

“It took me ages to tell Lou, let alone anybody else.” 

Zayn seemed to calm at the idea that at least Louis knew, because he knew that there is no way that Louis would let anything happen to Harry even before they were dating. 

“Are you okay now though?” Zayn pulled the chair from behind him and sat, still facing Harry. 

“Yeah, I’m getting there. I see a psychologist. Don’t tell the others.” Harry shook his head, “It’s you we’re talking about though. Are _you_ okay?” 

“I’m just lonely is all. I hate seeing Niall happy,” Zayn was quick to correct himself when he saw Harry’s face turn, “I mean like… I’m the only one in the band that isn’t happy. At least before Clare it was Niall and me, but now it’s just me.” Harry made a small noise of understanding. “I’m tired of drinking, but I don’t have anything else you know?” 

“You have us, but if you want my honest opinion, as long as you don’t hurt yourself… do whatever you gotta do to get over this, okay? We’ll be here to help you out in the meantime.” 

Zayn nodded and smiled slightly while muttering a “thanks Haz.” 

“Just stick to alcohol like a good boy, okay?” Harry chuckled and gently squeezed Zayn’s knee and placed a small kiss on his forehead before heading off for an early night. 

The remaining lad stayed sitting on the balcony and staring at nothing until Louis returned to the hotel and Zayn decided that he was a third wheel. 

He never quite make it back to his room though. 

+++

“So tell me one more time what you said to him?” Louis was pacing back and forth wondering how the hell they ended up here. 

“I told him to _just stick to alcohol,_ ” Harry whimpered, “I meant it to stop him from hurting himself more, I didn’t expect this Lou. I didn’t want this.” 

“How fucking stupid are y-“ the older boy was mid-way through raising his voice and throwing his hands in the air when Niall and Liam walked through the door cautiously with coffee cups in hand. 

Liam’s eyes flashed immediately to Harry who had resumed crying audibly and had put his head back in between his knees. Liam sat beside him, draped one arm across his friend and scolded Louis. 

“This isn’t anybody’s fault but Zayn’s, Lou.” 

There was silence again for another half hour. The boys were dressed in the first clothes they had found, their hair was disheveled, their eyes were red and their thoughts were drawing around the worst possible conclusions. 

It’s hard to be optimistic when you’re sitting in a hospital waiting room at five in the morning, waiting to find if your best mate is in a coma or not. It had only been an hour in the annoyingly bright, beige coloured room, but with nothing but magazines, nerves and fear to keep them amused, the hour had felt like an eternity. 

Will was not touring with the boys, but had called the second the boys had arrived at the hospital and told them to not talk to anyone, that they would be left alone in the waiting room on the proviso that Paul wait in the next room over and that the doctors were to report to Liam, as he was Zayn’s next of kin. 

So, when the doctor walked in to the room, all the boys looked up, but Liam was the only one to stand. 

“Liam Payne?” Liam nodded, “Your friend is stable,” the boys all sighed in relief, except for Harry who burst into tears of relief, “We had to pump his stomach and he currently requires assistance breathing, but he’s very lucky he didn’t fall into a coma. His Blood Alcohol Content was 0.512%, which is high enough to have killed him.” 

Liam just continued nodding, too shocked to audit a coherent response. 

“When can we see him?” Harry’s weak voice popped up from under where he had nestled himself in his oversized jumper. 

“You can see him now if you wish, but he’s still unconscious.” The doctor turned around after the boys all thanked him and started to get ready to visit Zayn. “Oh and one more thing. I have left some information with the nurses and I would highly recommend that your friend seeks help.” 

The boys sighed, grunted and nodded in understanding as well as thanking the doctor one last time. 

Their legs felt like jelly as they stood up and started walking towards Zayn’s room. 

It wasn’t a surprise, but it was definitely a shocking sight when they walked into the bleak, private room. 

There were tubes going in and out of Zayn’s nose, mouth and arms. His hair was flat across his face and his eyelids shone a pale red, reflecting the single light perched behind his bed. 

The four boys stood motionless around the bed watching the mess that their friend had made of himself. None of the boys missed that Louis stepped away when Harry reached for his hand. 

Harry put his hands back in his pockets and hung his head while Niall wrapped an arm supportively around his mate. 

“Zayn? Can you hear us?” Liam tried, but the boy didn’t wake until two hours later when eyelids fluttered, revealing very sad, sorry and confused brown and red eyes. 

+++

Zayn getting ‘help’ was not nearly as dramatic as all of the boys had originally thought. The lad had spent the rest of the day in hospital so the doctors could monitor him, then sent him on his way, weak, but safe again with a pamphlet on alcoholism and a stern lecture. 

It was never going to stay a secret and the second the paparazzi got wind that Zayn had been in hospital with alcohol poisoning there were rumours flying around everywhere. Of course, as instructed, the boys stayed quiet. 

Zayn, after being pressured by Louis, Liam, Niall, management and his mother, started seeing a psychologist every day to help with his rehabilitation. This was only for the first two weeks: the counseling became once a week after that. 

Zayn, however, didn’t really see the point in rehabilitation at all after a one-week bender; neither did Harry. 

“I just think it’s something he needs to work out himself,” Harry defended his argument, “It’s not like he was drinking for months and months.” 

“He was in _hospital_ , Harry.” Louis was pissed off (again), “He almost fucking _died_.” 

Harry curled in on himself whenever Louis swore at him in the same way he would if Louis had hit him. 

“Stop swearing at me,” 

“For god’s sake, speak up. All you do is fucking mumble, mumble, mumble at the moment!” Louis was pacing around the hotel room while Harry huddled on the couch. It wasn’t the first time they’d fought like this in the week since the incident. The displays of affection had stopped, Louis constantly rejecting the younger boy, and they had stopped talking calmly to one another. It seemed like whenever one of them opened their mouth it became an argument. 

“I SAID STOP SWEARING AT ME!” Harry’s tone and volume surprised both of them and Louis glowered momentarily at his boyfriend before storming out and slamming the door. 

Harry cried until there was a knock at the door and Zayn walked in. Even then, Zayn found a place beside Harry on the couch and he continued to cry on to his shoulder and vent endlessly about how everything was falling apart. 

The two boys had become more united in their lack of mental stability. They found comfort in each other, as though they could tell each other anything and they would understand and sometimes even feel empathy. 

It was a tightly knitted bond that Louis was not too fond of. 

After cooling down with a walk down along the Yarra River, stopping to sign albums and take photos with the handful of Melbournian fans who had spotted him, Louis called Liam to meet him for lunch. 

“I just feel like Zayn’s bringing Harry down,” Louis blurted out to Liam over two cups of coffee and a bowl of hot chips in a graffiti covered alleyway. 

The café was small and secluded. It was in the middle of the city, but it was quiet and undisturbed. Places like these were definitely Louis’ favourite thing about Melbourne. They’d only been in the city for five days, but he’d already found a few favourite hangout spots. It was a city you could easily get lost in, but in a good way. 

“I think that’s a bit harsh. Harry’s fine, he’s just helping Zayn through a tough time.” Liam rebutted, “I think you’re being a bit unfair, Lou.” 

“I’m not being rude, but there’s a lot that you don’t know about Harry. He’s pretty… I don’t want to say messed up, but he has secrets. He has problems.” Louis sighed, “Don’t tell the others of course. I just finally thought that he was over everything and that we could focus on us and now he’s completely turned around and Zayn is bringing that negative energy back and all Harry wants to do is try and help Zayn, but he’s not even helping him, he’s only hurting himself!” 

Louis spoke so fast at the end that he needed to take two deep breaths to get back all the oxygen he used and missed. Liam watched carefully as he tried to compose himself. 

“Okay, I’m not going to pry about Harry anymore. I think you’ve got that off your chest. I can talk to Zayn if you want?” Liam offered, lifting one hand questioningly and lifting his shoulder. Louis just nodded. “What’s really going on with you and Harry? You keep rejecting him… it’s killing him.” 

“I don’t mean to, I think I’m pushing him away because I’m angry at him. I feel guilty every time I reject him, but I’m just trying to force him into a decision.” 

Liam cocked one eyebrow, “What decision?” 

“Choosing me over Zayn I guess.” Louis put his hand up to stop Liam from interrupting, “I know his relationship with Zayn isn’t like that, but it’s affecting his relationship with me and he’s turning into the mess he used to be before us and that scares me to death.” 

Both boys sipped their drinks simultaneously and left that conversation there. The rest of their lunch was focused elsewhere and they left the café after a generous tip and headed back to the hotel to get ready for their show that night. 

“Just talk to him,” Liam advised as he left Louis at the door of his and Harry’s hotel room. 

  
  


“Just talk to him. Yeah I’d love to, except Zayn’s here. Zayn’s everywhere. Zayn Zayn Zayn. What about Louis? What about Louis indeed,” Louis stopped muttering to himself before he reached some kind of sanity line, but the girl tugging at and styling his hair seemed to think he’d already passed that line. 

She eyed him carefully and Louis closed his eyes, moving his dialogue to inside his head. 

“Lou?” Harry’s voice appeared only seconds after though. “Can we talk?” 

“Is Zayn gone?” Louis’ reply was short and bitter. 

“Yeah, he had to go back to his room to get his hair and makeup done.” 

“Okay,” Louis turned to his new hairstylist who was probably never going to come back, “could we have a minute? Thanks doll.” 

Both boys watched as the petite blonde shuffled out of the room, likely rolling her eyes. 

“We definitely need to talk. You need to choose.” 

“Excuse me?” Harry was sat on the chair opposite his boyfriend, face turning from determined to confused. “I came in here to tell you to snap out of it and ask what I did wrong and now I need to _choose?_ Choose what?” 

“Between your new buddy-companion shit with Zayn and your relationship with me.” Louis sighed, making apathetic movements with his hands to show his disapproval. 

Harry started tearing up. It was an almost instantaneous reaction. “What?” 

“Ever since this thing with Zayn happened you’ve been slowly but surely becoming the old you and it’s scaring me. I’m pretty damn sure you’re going to choose me so I’m more or less forcing you to stop this little pity party you’ve got going on with Zayn.” 

“Pity party!?” Harry choked out, “You’re joking.” 

“I’m not joking. When’s the last time you talked to your psychologist?” Harry’s silence was answer enough, “When was the last time you cut?” Harry tugging his sleeve down was another answer. “Of course I want you to help Zayn; I want to help Zayn; we all want to help him. But he’s pulling you down when you should be pulling him up. _You’re_ the one who needs to snap out of it.” 

“You arrogant prick….” Louis stopped. Harry just called him… _What just happened_ , Louis was lost. Where was his train of thought? It had flown past two stations and fallen off the rails, that’s where it had gone. 

“… I can’t believe you’re talking to me like this right now.” Louis just let Harry keep talking. The usually awkward, uncomfortably submissive boy was fighting back and Louis didn’t know what to do. It was the fight at their apartment all over again. 

“You want me to choose? One of my mates… our mate, who’s having a hard time with alcoholism, who I can help and empathise with because I’ve overcome addictions and I know how he feels… or you?” 

“Yes,” was all Louis could muster up and it was barely a squeak. This was not part of his plan. 

“And you’re _pretty damn sure_ I’ll choose you?” Harry’s tone was full of disbelief and he was mocking. 

Louis nodded pathetically. 

“Fuck you, Louis Tomlinson. We’re done.” 

Louis sat as still as stone while his now ex-boyfriend stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut. 

+++

A month is a long time to be arguing with the person you love. 

A month is a long time to be with the person you love every second of every day. 

Harry and Louis had spent the last four weeks bickering and trying so hard to build walls around them and show the other that they didn’t care about them. 

The thing that frustrated Liam was the underlying fact that the two boys were clearly still sickly in love and it was all just a façade and a battle to keep their dignity. Considering how well everything with him and Danielle were going and Niall and Clare and even Zayn and the girl he met at a rehabilitation meeting, the only thing that wasn’t as close to perfect as possible was the Harry and Louis argument. 

“This is getting ridiculous,” Liam muttered to Niall as they watched Harry and Louis refuse to look at each other once again. Liam directed a “c’mon guys, seriously?” at the two, but received no verbal answer: just a roll of the eyes from Harry and an icy glare from Lou. 

“Harry. Bathroom. Now” Liam ordered and Harry obeyed with a slump and a sigh. 

“What now?” the younger boy leant back against the basin of the small bathroom as Liam closed the door behind them. 

“Do you still love him?” 

“Excuse me?” Harry wasn’t expecting that. Of course he did, he didn’t think it was realistic to assume that he could ever _not_ love Louis. 

“Do you still love Louis?” Liam watched as Harry gulped and watched his suddenly intriguing shoes. “I’ll take that as a yes.” 

Harry looked back up and pushed aside his fringe. Liam spotted an array of fresh cuts littering Harry’s wrist when his bracelets fell down his arm, but he didn’t comment. The whole band knew now, but had promised that as long as Harry stopped they would keep it to themselves. Louis had blurted it out in the heat of the moment when the two had been fighting. You could have heard a pin drop when Louis screamed, “I’M PATHETIC? AT LEAST I DON’T FUCKING CUT MYSELF!” 

Zayn had rushed immediately to Harry’s aid when he stormed out of the room in tears, because the information wasn’t news to him, but Niall, Liam and Danielle had stared wide eyed in disbelief and horror until (and even after) Louis calmed down enough to apologise and explain himself and Harry. 

Liam pressed his head back against the bathroom door and sighed, trying not to lecture Harry too much, but still trying to decipher a way to get the couple back on track. The younger lad was obviously frustrated that Liam was being a sticky beak, but Liam knew Harry and he knew that Harry was silently waiting for somebody else to get him his Lou back, because Louis was not himself at the moment and the fact that everything had been tried and nothing had worked had Harry borderline insane. 

“Have you told him you still love him?” Liam didn’t move his head from the wall, but moved only his eyes to focus on the other boy. 

“Yes, but only when we’re fighting and I’m crying. It’s so pathetic.” 

“It’s not pathetic, Harry.” Liam pushed forward and clapped a hand on his mate’s shoulder. “Tell him next time you’re not fighting.” 

“But I-“ 

“What do you have to lose Harry? Really?” 

_Nothing,_ Harry thought to himself as he watched Liam walk out of the door. _Not one single thing._

  
  


“What’d y’ talk to Harry about today?” Niall started. He was sitting cross-legged on his large hotel bed, watching Liam get ready for bed, softly picking at his guitar. 

“Told him to just tell Lou he still loves him. I’m sick of them dragging everybody down.” Liam stripped down to his boxers and plonked himself apathetically down onto his bed that sat in between a spare bed and Niall’s. Louis was sharing a room with them, but had turned against everybody and decided that the couch was the best way to avoid being lectured and judged. 

“Definitely,” the blonde boy leant over his bed to place his guitar back in its case. “How’s things with you and Dani by the way?” 

Liam’s face automatically lit up, “Perfect. I don’t know, she’s just perfect? It’s crazy and a bit far-fetched but I just don’t see us breaking up. No reason to.” 

Niall smiled at Liam’s joy. It was nice to see him so settled, not that he wasn’t already a focused, emotionally stable person, but Danielle had relaxed him. Liam cared less about keeping the other boys in line and was more interested in joining in their antics. Being in such a stable relationship had almost set him free, as if he’d finally worked out who he was. 

“Zayn seems happier too?” 

The Irish boy smiled at that too, “Yeah he really does. It’s good t’ see. He still won’t tell me anything about this girl he’s been talkin’ too, I guess he’s afraid to jinx it or something, but I don’t really care ‘cause he’s been smilin’ more and he’s not drank at all since he met her.” 

“It is good,” Liam noted in agreement before adding, “What about you and Clare? Still talking?” 

“Yeah ‘course.” The Australian girl that Niall had started seeing when they were touring there had caused quite a commotion in the poor boy’s head. He hadn’t been expecting a relationship and was quite down on himself, but in the same way that Danielle had perked Liam up, Clare had calmed Niall down. He felt less of a need to be loud and obvious, realizing that he had nobody to impress anymore because this one-in-a-million girl had, for some reason unknown to Niall, decided that she was keen on him no matter what he did or how hard he tried. “She’s gonna come back to Ireland when I get home and meet the family and that kinda stuff. It’s exciting actually!” 

“Yeah, I bet! When Danielle met my-“ Liam was interrupted by Louis walking into the room with red, tear-filled eyes and a blank expression on his face. “Lou? What happened?” 

“Harry. He-“ Louis stuttered but his breath kept getting caught in his throat the way that it does when you’ve been crying really hard. 

“Told you he loves you?” Liam’s voice was soft, assuming that Louis was crying for a good reason. But he assumed wrong. 

“No? He sti-still hasn’t spoken to me. I don’t know, we started yelling ag-again and…” Louis remained standing in the doorway and telling his story to a very wide-eyed Niall and Liam. “He ran into th-the bathroom because he was crying and I-I followed him in there and he was cutting himself. I made him d-do that!” 

Louis’ last words were spoken through tears and he slumped onto the end of Niall’s bed. 

“Is he okay!?” Liam jumped to attention: ready to knock down doors and call ambulances. 

“Yeah he’s okay. I didn’t even say anything I just walked out, but I checked on him again and he had fallen asleep on the floor.” 

“Sure he’s asleep and not…?” Niall didn’t dare finish his sentence, because it wasn’t fair on anyone to assume that, although it was a possibility. 

“He was snoring,” Louis almost smiled to himself, nostalgia in his voice from the image of a peaceful Harry. 

“It’s not your fault, Lou.” Both boys comforted the distraught boy until he was calm enough to talk without choking or crying. 

“You both love each other, so I don’t see why you don’t just man up and say it, because one of you is going to kill yourselves soon unless you bite the bullet, lose a little dignity and apologise.” 

Liam’s words sunk heavy in Louis’ head. The idea of Harry ever contemplating suicide made him want to lock the boy up in a room, just the two of them, and stop him from ever hurting himself again. Ignoring Harry’s cries for help was hard, but the thought of losing him was uncomprehendingly painful. 

The two other lads watched silently as Louis seemed to mull over a thousand ideas and situations in his head before sighing and standing up. However, he didn’t walk out of the room, but instead he sauntered over to his bed and slipped wordlessly under the covers. 

Liam and Niall eyed one another carefully: this was the first time Louis had talked to any of them or slept in the same room since the break up with Harry. 

This was the start of a change; this was the start of a mend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the epilogue to go now! I'll post it in a few days :)


	5. Epilogue

  
Six Months Later

Nothing was ever going to be perfect. 

Sometimes they would fight, but it always had an end. Sometimes the fame would get too much, but always they would ground each other. Harry would always have the scars too, but they had each other and they had the other boys. 

It felt like a different lifetime that Harry had been hopelessly pining over Louis and had been tearing himself up both inside and out. He knew that it had happened, but the happy warmth that he had been feeling whilst being with the Doncaster lad had made feelings of anything less seem impossible. 

The thought of coming out to the world had seemed like the most far fetched idea Harry had ever heard, but with Louis by his side it had been significantly less daunting. Everybody had held their breath, confused, as the two boys had sat in a press conference hand in hand in lap, the three others sitting on either side of them for support. 

The interviewer didn’t know how to react, so the other boys stepped in for him, explaining that the band would still be the same and that all of them supported Harry and Louis in their decision and their relationship. 

As the interviewer warmed up to the idea, he started asking for stories and suddenly the whole world knew how Harry had fallen in love with Louis long ago, but Louis hadn’t returned the feelings until Eleanor had forced him into it. By going into detail, Louis had also saved Eleanor a lot of trouble as she had been getting some pretty horrible messages about her breakup with the pop star. 

However, not everybody had been so supportive: One Direction lost a lot of fans. Harry had relapsed with his self-harm and deleted his twitter and trashed a very expensive hotel room in quite an impressive breakdown. The things people had said about him and his boyfriend and the things that people had said about them as people and as a couple, were things that needn’t be ever repeated, things that made Harry sick to his stomach and things that made Louis lash out at people who camped outside their London apartment with signs degrading them and their relationship. 

They fact that there had been so much publicity around them had not helped. The press had not zoomed in on them only as a gay couple, but also as a controversial couple: there was always drama. 

Although, there had been people who supported them and there had people who had just turned a blind eye and had the common sense to realise that their sexuality didn’t impact on their music or their personalities. Those were the people that mattered. Those were the fans and the family members and friends that mattered. 

The important thing though, was that they had survived it together. The world knew and their friends and family knew and they loved each other and that was really all that mattered. 

The two boys sat cross-legged, facing each other, with hands connected and slight smiles on their lips. They were on the edge of their bed. Yes, _their_ bed. 

The decision to sleep in the same bed had taken only a matter of days after they returned from touring. They had spent the previous months sleeping side by side anyway and they lived together already: it wasn’t that big of a move, really. 

Silently in their bedroom, Louis’s face faltered as he ran his fingers softly over the raised white lines on Harry's left wrist. He still didn’t understand why Harry had done such a thing and how he hadn’t picked up on it sooner, but at the same time he was grateful that he didn’t know. The state that Harry had been in had completely horrified him. 

The slight bumps the older boy felt under his fingertips sent slight shivers down his spine, remembering the fear and the hurt that such a perfect boy could do such a thing to himself. He pursed his lips as he trailed down to Harry's elegant, slim fingers. 

His lips showed a slight smirk and his insides fluttered almost violently as he slid his thumb over the thin gold band circling Harry's finger proudly.  


  


_“Louis?” Harry called out as he entered their apartment. He placed his shopping bags by the door and crept suspiciously further into the extravagant home._

_He called out his boyfriend’s name again while he rounded the corner to the kitchen and heard the soft music playing through the lounge room speakers._

_Louis was dressed up, hair perfectly settled and eyes shining. He lifted his head from the pots he was hovering over and smiled nervously in acknowledgment of Harry._

_“What’s all this?” Harry wore a lopsided grin and plonked himself down on the island bench’s stool. He knew that Louis was up to something: he could almost smell the nerves rolling off his lover and the scene that played before him was definitely familiar._

_The song that played softly in the background was the same cover of Iris that had been playing on their first date and Louis was cooking the exact same meal. The whole house had been scrubbed and dusted spotless and the table was covered in beautiful new crockery, rose petals and flowers._

_“You’re so bloody cheesy!” the younger boy giggled, leaning across the bench and tapping his cheek._

_Louis got the message and pecked Harry on the cheek, but quickly returned to his cooking. Harry didn’t miss the fear in Louis’ eyes._

_The food had been average, Harry wasn’t going to lie and say Louis was a master chef, but the food wasn’t really a focal point._

_After ten minutes of awkward, phatic conversation, Louis finally cleared his throat and leant across the table to rub his thumb in circles on the back of Harry’s hand._

_“One year ago, we had this exact same date.” Louis’ voice was shaky and Harry instantly felt like the biggest dick for forgetting their anniversary. “I know you forgot, but I really promise you that I don’t care. What I care about is that one year ago I had my first date with the most perfect, caring, loveable, perfect man. A few weeks before that day, I had realised that I had had you for years, but been to naïve and scared to notice or do anything about it. Going after you was the greatest decision of my life in the end. A few weeks after that first date, I realised how hopelessly in love with you I was… and still am.”_

_Harry had tears in his eyes, but sat silently as Louis poured his heart out, which was quite unusual for him._

_“And always will be. Harry, you are my life, you are my best friend, you make me feel like I could live forever as long as you are by my side.” Louis took a deep breath and lifted himself of the chair, still holding Harry’s hand in his. He knelt beside a shocked-silent Harry. “And I tried hours trying to work out how to ask you this, but I realised that all I had to do was tell you that I love you and that I will never, ever leave your side.”_

_The tears were still silently, but now freely, rolling down Harry’s cheeks at the sight before him and the words being uttered to him. He held his breath as Louis’ mouth opened to speak again._

_“Harry Edward Styles, will you marry me?”  
_

  


Louis' eyes moved from the ring to his fiancé’s eyes, while his fingers remained gripped protectively around Harry’s wrist. His voice was quiet and shaken, but ringing with honesty as he lifted Harry’s hand in his up to his lips. 

"I promise you that as long as we're together, the only thing you'll need to worry about is having to breathe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Corny, short and cliché, I know. soz
> 
> Thank you all for reading and I really hope you enjoyed it as much as I did :) Love to hear what you think, always!
> 
> xx


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